{"id":3350,"date":"2025-01-14T10:00:00","date_gmt":"2025-01-14T09:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/grief\/"},"modified":"2026-11-02T15:42:18","modified_gmt":"2026-11-02T14:42:18","slug":"grief","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/grief\/","title":{"rendered":"Living With Grief"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<style>\n\/* The accent is a light-background device. 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Bound\n         it by the article box, and by the viewport where that is tighter. *\/\n      var box=el.closest('.eqp'), br=box?box.getBoundingClientRect():null;\n      var lo=Math.max(0,br?br.left:0), hi=Math.min(window.innerWidth,br?br.right:window.innerWidth);\n      var mid=a.left+a.width\/2, half=card.offsetWidth\/2, m=14, dx=0;\n      if(half*2>hi-lo-2*m){m=Math.max(0,(hi-lo-half*2)\/2);}\n      if(mid-half<lo+m){dx=(lo+m)-(mid-half);}\n      else if(mid+half>hi-m){dx=(hi-m)-(mid+half);}\n      card.style.setProperty('--sx',dx.toFixed(1)+'px');\n    }\n    for(var i=0;i<gl.length;i++){\n      (function(el){\n        el.addEventListener('mouseenter',function(){place(el);});\n        el.addEventListener('focus',function(){place(el);});\n        el.addEventListener('keydown',function(e){\n          if(e.key==='Escape'){el.blur();}\n        });\n      })(gl[i]);\n    }\n    function placeAll(){for(var j=0;j<gl.length;j++){place(gl[j]);}}\n    placeAll();\n    \/* Again once the web fonts have swapped, which moves every line on the\n       page, and again at load for anything else that reflowed. *\/\n    if(document.fonts){document.fonts.ready.then(placeAll);}\n    if(document.readyState!=='complete'){window.addEventListener('load',placeAll);}\n    var t=null;\n    window.addEventListener('resize',function(){\n      if(t){clearTimeout(t);}\n      t=setTimeout(placeAll,120);\n    });\n  }\n  if(document.readyState==='loading'){\n    document.addEventListener('DOMContentLoaded',bind);\n  }else{bind();}\n})();\n<\/script><div id=\"eqp-rail\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><i><\/i><\/div><nav id=\"eqp-parts\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><a href=\"#part-1\" data-i=\"1\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"dot\"><\/span><span class=\"lbl\">What grief is<\/span><\/a><a href=\"#part-2\" data-i=\"2\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"dot\"><\/span><span class=\"lbl\">The losses people don't always count<\/span><\/a><a href=\"#part-3\" data-i=\"3\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"dot\"><\/span><span class=\"lbl\">Grieving what could have been<\/span><\/a><a href=\"#part-4\" data-i=\"4\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"dot\"><\/span><span class=\"lbl\">What grief does to your body and mind<\/span><\/a><a href=\"#part-5\" data-i=\"5\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"dot\"><\/span><span class=\"lbl\">The five stages, and what fits better<\/span><\/a><a href=\"#part-6\" data-i=\"6\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"dot\"><\/span><span class=\"lbl\">How grief usually unfolds<\/span><\/a><a href=\"#part-7\" data-i=\"7\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"dot\"><\/span><span class=\"lbl\">When loss comes hard<\/span><\/a><a href=\"#part-8\" data-i=\"8\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"dot\"><\/span><span class=\"lbl\">Getting through the days<\/span><\/a><a href=\"#part-9\" data-i=\"9\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"dot\"><\/span><span class=\"lbl\">When grief needs more help<\/span><\/a><a href=\"#part-10\" data-i=\"10\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"dot\"><\/span><span class=\"lbl\">Being there for someone<\/span><\/a><a href=\"#part-11\" data-i=\"11\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"dot\"><\/span><span class=\"lbl\">Everything else you were too afraid to ask<\/span><\/a><\/nav><button id=\"eqp-top\" type=\"button\" aria-label=\"Back to the top of the article\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 12 12\" aria-hidden=\"true\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M6 10.5V2M2 5.5 6 1.5l4 4\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"\/><\/svg>Top<\/button><script>(function(){document.documentElement.setAttribute(\"data-eqp\",\"on\");function init(){var RM=false;if(window.matchMedia){RM=window.matchMedia(\"(prefers-reduced-motion: reduce)\").matches;}var bar=document.querySelector(\"#eqp-rail i\");var hasST=false;if(window.CSS){if(CSS.supports){hasST=CSS.supports(\"animation-timeline\",\"scroll()\");}}if(bar){if(!hasST){  var tick=function(){    var h=document.documentElement.scrollHeight-window.innerHeight; 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 for(var i=0;i<tops.length;i++){ if(tops[i]){ if(tops[i].getBoundingClientRect().top+window.scrollY<=y) cur=i; } }  if(cur!==last){    links.forEach(function(a,i){a.classList.toggle(\"on\",i===cur);});    last=cur;  }  if(btn){    var h=document.documentElement.scrollHeight-window.innerHeight;    var far=false; if(h>0){far=window.scrollY\/h>0.35;}    btn.classList.toggle(\"on\",far);  }};addEventListener(\"scroll\",sync,{passive:true});addEventListener(\"resize\",sync);sync();if(btn)btn.addEventListener(\"click\",function(){  window.scrollTo({top:0,behavior:RM?\"auto\":\"smooth\"});});}if(document.readyState===\"loading\"){document.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",init);}else{init();}})();<\/script>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group alignfull eqp has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-69fa9525 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;padding:0px 22px\">\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n<div style=\"color:#6b6259;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.455), 18px);font-style:normal;font-weight:400;margin-top:54px;margin-bottom:0\" class=\"has-link-color wp-elements-1 wp-block-post-date has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\"><time datetime=\"2025-01-14T10:00:00+01:00\">14 sije\u010dnja, 2025<\/time><\/div>\n\n<div style=\"color:#6b6259;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.455), 18px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;text-transform:uppercase;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0\" class=\"taxonomy-category has-link-color wp-elements-2 wp-block-post-terms has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\"><a href=\"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/category\/body-and-mind\/\" rel=\"tag\">Body and Mind<\/a><span class=\"wp-block-post-terms__separator\">, <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/category\/deep-dive\/\" rel=\"tag\">Deep Dive<\/a><span class=\"wp-block-post-terms__separator\">, <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/category\/too-afraid-to-ask\/\" rel=\"tag\">Everything You Were Too Afraid to Ask<\/a><\/div>\n\n\n<h1 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-playfair-display-font-family\" id=\"top\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:24px;margin-bottom:10px;font-size:clamp(26.944px, 1.684rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 2.165), 46px);font-style:normal;font-weight:800;line-height:1.12\">Living With Grief<\/h1>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family eq-subtitle wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:20px;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.114), 15px);font-weight:600;letter-spacing:.14em;line-height:1.5\">What loss does to body and mind, and what really helps<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#524a42;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:22px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.55\">What grief is and the losses people don't always count, grieving what could have been, what grief does to your body, sleep and memory, what the five stages got wrong, how grief usually unfolds over time, how to get through the days, and how to be there for someone who is grieving<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"eq-credit\" style=\"--eq-credit-ac:#3e5733\">Written by <a href=\"\/our-team-ivana\/\" rel=\"author\">Ivana<\/a>, psychologist and psychotherapist<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#6b6259;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.114), 15px);line-height:1.5\"><strong style=\"color:#3e5733\">52 minute read<\/strong> &nbsp;&middot;&nbsp; 11,770 words<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<!-- eq-post-top -->\n<div class=\"pt-on\" hidden data-src=\"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/10\/grief-post-top-b.jpg\" data-w=\"470\" data-aspect=\"0.897\" data-side=\"left\" data-bleed=\"LB\"><\/div>\n<script>\n\/* Post tops: turns the post's masthead group into the cream band and adds the\n   drawing beside the words. 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A friend announces her pregnancy in the group chat, and you type \"congratulations!\" and then sit in the car for ten minutes before you can drive. You pass the office where you worked for twenty years, or the street you grew up on in another country, and something in your chest drops. Or it's three in the morning and you're lying awake, wondering whether what you feel is normal, or whether something is wrong with you for feeling it this much, or this little.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">All of these are grief. Grief is what happens when we lose someone or something we were attached to: a person, yes, but also a relationship, a pet, a pregnancy, our health, a home, a job, a country, or a future we'd counted on. Sometimes what we grieve never happened at all, like the child we hoped for, the parent we needed or the life we thought we'd have.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Grief is one of the few things everyone goes through, and one of the things we're least prepared for. Most of us learn about it in the middle of it, from half-remembered ideas about stages and a lot of well-meant advice. This article is about what grief is, what it does to you, what the research says about the ideas you've probably heard, and what helps, both when you're grieving and when someone you love is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">There's no right way to do this!!<\/strong> Whatever brought you here, a death last week, a loss years ago that still catches you off guard, or a loss other people don't seem to count, you're welcome here, and nothing you're feeling needs to be explained or defended first. Grief can make it hard to concentrate, so please don\u2019t feel you have to read all of this, or read it in order. Each part takes three to seven minutes, and the \u201cWhere to start\u201d list a little further down shows which parts to read first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:4px;margin-bottom:0px\"><div class=\"gr-help\"><p>If grief has brought thoughts of ending your life, or you're worried that someone else is in danger, please reach out now. If anyone is in immediate danger, call your local emergency number, and <a href=\"\/crisis-helplines\/\" style=\"color:#3e5733;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1.5px;text-decoration-color:#85a375;display:inline-block;padding:11px 0;margin:-11px 0\">our helplines page<\/a> will help you find a free, confidential helpline in your own country.<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-background has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-83938ec0 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"background-color:#f0f4ee;border-color:#d7dfd3;border-width:1.5px;border-style:solid;border-radius:20px;margin-top:40px;margin-bottom:0;padding:34px 38px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2b3e23;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:12px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">THE SHORT VERSION<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px\"><div class=\"gr-sv\"><ul class=\"rows\"><li><span class=\"d\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><p><a href=\"#part-1\">Grief follows <strong>any loss you were attached to<\/strong>: a death, but also a relationship, a pet, your health, a job or a future you\u2019d counted on.<\/a><\/p><\/li><li><span class=\"d\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><p><a href=\"#part-2\">A pregnancy, a pet, a breakup, an estrangement or a future that never arrived can <strong>bring real grief<\/strong>, even when nobody else counts it, and it often comes back at milestones.<\/a><\/p><\/li><li><span class=\"d\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><p><a href=\"#part-4\">Grief is physical: it affects sleep, focus and even the heart, so <strong>chest pain always deserves a check<\/strong>.<\/a><\/p><\/li><li><span class=\"d\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><p><a href=\"#part-5\"><strong>There\u2019s no good evidence for five stages in order<\/strong>. Moving between the loss and the rest of life, and keeping a bond, describe grief better.<\/a><\/p><\/li><li><span class=\"d\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><p><a href=\"#part-6\">After a death, many people, often around half, <strong>cope better than they expect<\/strong>, and how you feel in the first months doesn\u2019t predict how you\u2019ll feel later.<\/a><\/p><\/li><li><span class=\"d\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><p><a href=\"#part-7\">Sudden or violent deaths, suicide, losses that pile up and self-blame can make grief heavier, and <strong>they deserve extra support<\/strong>.<\/a><\/p><\/li><li><span class=\"d\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><p><a href=\"#part-9\">When grief gets stuck, <strong>grief-focused talking therapy helps<\/strong>.<\/a><\/p><\/li><li><span class=\"d\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><p><a href=\"#part-10\">To support someone, <strong>turn up and listen<\/strong>: simple words and specific help beat the perfect sentence.<\/a><\/p><\/li><\/ul><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-background has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-4ccedd2e wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"border-color:#e8e1d5;border-width:1.5px;border-style:solid;border-radius:22px;background-color:#faf6f0;margin-top:56px;margin-bottom:20px;padding:30px 34px\">\n\n\n<div class=\"gr-ws\"><p class=\"ey\">Where to start<\/p><ul class=\"rows\"><li><p class=\"s\"><strong>Someone has died, and it\u2019s recent.<\/strong><\/p><p class=\"r\"><a href=\"#part-8\">Getting through the days<\/a> (part 8), then <a href=\"#part-4\">What grief does to your body and mind<\/a> (part 4).<\/p><\/li><li><p class=\"s\"><strong>A loss years ago that still catches you off guard.<\/strong><\/p><p class=\"r\"><a href=\"#it-comes-in-waves\">It comes in waves<\/a> (part 6), <a href=\"#life-grows-around-it\">Life grows around it<\/a> (part 5), and the question \u201c<a href=\"#is-it-too-late-to-grieve-something-that-happened-years-ago\">Is it too late to grieve something that happened years ago?<\/a>\u201d<\/p><\/li><li><p class=\"s\"><strong>A loss other people don\u2019t seem to count.<\/strong><\/p><p class=\"r\">Find your loss in <a href=\"#part-2\">part 2<\/a> or <a href=\"#part-3\">part 3<\/a>, then \u201c<a href=\"#is-it-grief-if-nobody-died\">Is it grief if nobody died?<\/a>\u201d<\/p><\/li><li><p class=\"s\"><strong>You\u2019re worried it\u2019s more than grief.<\/strong><\/p><p class=\"r\"><a href=\"#part-9\">When grief needs more help<\/a> (part 9).<\/p><\/li><li><p class=\"s\"><strong>Someone you love is grieving.<\/strong><\/p><p class=\"r\"><a href=\"#part-10\">Being there for someone<\/a> (part 10), and <a href=\"#grief-and-thoughts-of-suicide\">Grief and thoughts of suicide<\/a> (part 9).<\/p><\/li><li><p class=\"s\"><strong>You want to understand grief itself.<\/strong><\/p><p class=\"r\"><a href=\"#part-1\">What grief is<\/a> (part 1), <a href=\"#part-5\">The five stages, and what fits better<\/a> (part 5), and <a href=\"#part-6\">How grief usually unfolds<\/a> (part 6).<\/p><\/li><\/ul><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#6b6259;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:22px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">WHAT THIS ARTICLE COVERS &middot; ELEVEN PARTS<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-rank-math-toc-block\">\n<div class=\"eq-toc\"><details><summary><svg class=\"chev\" viewBox=\"0 0 12 12\" aria-hidden=\"true\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M4 2l4 4-4 4\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"\/><\/svg><p hidden><\/p><span class=\"num\">PART 1<\/span><a class=\"ttl\" href=\"#part-1\">What grief is<\/a><span class=\"cnt\"><span class=\"sec\">4 sections<\/span><span class=\"sep\"> &middot; <\/span>4 min<\/span><\/summary><ul><li><a href=\"#more-than-sadness\">More than sadness<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#grief-is-about-more-than-death\">Grief is about more than death<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#why-it-can-feel-so-strange\">Why it can feel so strange<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#no-two-people-grieve-the-same-way\">No two people grieve the same way<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/details><details><summary><svg class=\"chev\" viewBox=\"0 0 12 12\" aria-hidden=\"true\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M4 2l4 4-4 4\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"\/><\/svg><p hidden><\/p><span class=\"num\">PART 2<\/span><a class=\"ttl\" href=\"#part-2\">The losses people don't always count<\/a><span class=\"cnt\"><span class=\"sec\">6 sections<\/span><span class=\"sep\"> &middot; <\/span>5 min<\/span><\/summary><ul><li><a href=\"#grief-that-doesnt-feel-allowed\">Grief that doesn't feel allowed<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#when-a-pregnancy-ends\">When a pregnancy ends<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#when-a-pet-dies\">When a pet dies<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#breakups-and-divorce\">Breakups and divorce<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#when-youve-cut-someone-off\">When you've cut someone off<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#losses-without-an-ending\">Losses without an ending<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/details><details><summary><svg class=\"chev\" viewBox=\"0 0 12 12\" aria-hidden=\"true\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M4 2l4 4-4 4\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"\/><\/svg><p hidden><\/p><span class=\"num\">PART 3<\/span><a class=\"ttl\" href=\"#part-3\">Grieving what could have been<\/a><span class=\"cnt\"><span class=\"sec\">7 sections<\/span><span class=\"sep\"> &middot; <\/span>6 min<\/span><\/summary><ul><li><a href=\"#when-the-loss-keeps-going\">When the loss keeps going<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#the-child-you-hoped-for\">The child you hoped for<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#a-diagnosis-yours-or-someone-you-love\">A diagnosis, yours or someone you love<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#the-childhood-or-the-parent-you-never-had\">The childhood or the parent you never had<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#who-you-used-to-be\">Who you used to be<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#the-relationship-that-ended-or-never-began\">The relationship that ended, or never began<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#why-it-comes-back-at-milestones\">Why it comes back at milestones<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/details><details><summary><svg class=\"chev\" viewBox=\"0 0 12 12\" aria-hidden=\"true\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M4 2l4 4-4 4\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"\/><\/svg><p hidden><\/p><span class=\"num\">PART 4<\/span><a class=\"ttl\" href=\"#part-4\">What grief does to your body and mind<\/a><span class=\"cnt\"><span class=\"sec\">4 sections<\/span><span class=\"sep\"> &middot; <\/span>4 min<\/span><\/summary><ul><li><a href=\"#grief-is-physical\">Grief is physical<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#sleep\">Sleep<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#memory-and-concentration\">Memory and concentration<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#seeing-hearing-or-sensing-them\">Seeing, hearing or sensing them<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/details><details><summary><svg class=\"chev\" viewBox=\"0 0 12 12\" aria-hidden=\"true\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M4 2l4 4-4 4\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"\/><\/svg><p hidden><\/p><span class=\"num\">PART 5<\/span><a class=\"ttl\" href=\"#part-5\">The five stages, and what fits better<\/a><span class=\"cnt\"><span class=\"sec\">5 sections<\/span><span class=\"sep\"> &middot; <\/span>4 min<\/span><\/summary><ul><li><a href=\"#where-the-five-stages-came-from\">Where the five stages came from<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#what-the-research-found\">What the research found<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#swinging-between-the-loss-and-the-rest-of-life\">Swinging between the loss and the rest of life<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#keeping-a-bond\">Keeping a bond<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#life-grows-around-it\">Life grows around it<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/details><details><summary><svg class=\"chev\" viewBox=\"0 0 12 12\" aria-hidden=\"true\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M4 2l4 4-4 4\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"\/><\/svg><p hidden><\/p><span class=\"num\">PART 6<\/span><a class=\"ttl\" href=\"#part-6\">How grief usually unfolds<\/a><span class=\"cnt\"><span class=\"sec\">4 sections<\/span><span class=\"sep\"> &middot; <\/span>3 min<\/span><\/summary><ul><li><a href=\"#many-people-cope-better-than-they-expect\">Many people cope better than they expect<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#intense-early-grief-isnt-a-forecast\">Intense early grief isn't a forecast<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#it-comes-in-waves\">It comes in waves<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#laughter-belongs-here-too\">Laughter belongs here too<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/details><details><summary><svg class=\"chev\" viewBox=\"0 0 12 12\" aria-hidden=\"true\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M4 2l4 4-4 4\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"\/><\/svg><p hidden><\/p><span class=\"num\">PART 7<\/span><a class=\"ttl\" href=\"#part-7\">When loss comes hard<\/a><span class=\"cnt\"><span class=\"sec\">7 sections<\/span><span class=\"sep\"> &middot; <\/span>7 min<\/span><\/summary><ul><li><a href=\"#when-its-sudden-or-violent\">When it's sudden or violent<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#after-a-suicide\">After a suicide<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#when-losses-pile-up\">When losses pile up<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#the-losses-that-follow-the-loss\">The losses that follow the loss<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#if-only-and-i-should-have\">\"If only\" and \"I should have\"<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#when-the-relationship-was-hard\">When the relationship was hard<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#grief-we-carry-together\">Grief we carry together<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/details><details><summary><svg class=\"chev\" viewBox=\"0 0 12 12\" aria-hidden=\"true\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M4 2l4 4-4 4\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"\/><\/svg><p hidden><\/p><span class=\"num\">PART 8<\/span><a class=\"ttl\" href=\"#part-8\">Getting through the days<\/a><span class=\"cnt\"><span class=\"sec\">7 sections<\/span><span class=\"sep\"> &middot; <\/span>5 min<\/span><\/summary><ul><li><a href=\"#the-first-weeks\">The first weeks<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#talking-and-not-talking\">Talking, and not talking<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#rituals-and-remembering\">Rituals and remembering<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#mourning-around-the-world\">Mourning around the world<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#going-back-to-work\">Going back to work<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#anniversaries-birthdays-and-holidays\">Anniversaries, birthdays and holidays<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#grief-in-later-life\">Grief in later life<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/details><details><summary><svg class=\"chev\" viewBox=\"0 0 12 12\" aria-hidden=\"true\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M4 2l4 4-4 4\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"\/><\/svg><p hidden><\/p><span class=\"num\">PART 9<\/span><a class=\"ttl\" href=\"#part-9\">When grief needs more help<\/a><span class=\"cnt\"><span class=\"sec\">6 sections<\/span><span class=\"sep\"> &middot; <\/span>6 min<\/span><\/summary><ul><li><a href=\"#when-grief-doesnt-start-to-shift\">When grief doesn't start to shift<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#when-grief-after-another-loss-gets-stuck\">When grief after another loss gets stuck<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#grief-or-depression\">Grief or depression?<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#the-treatments-that-work\">The treatments that work<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#grief-and-thoughts-of-suicide\">Grief and thoughts of suicide<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#when-to-reach-out\">When to reach out<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/details><details><summary><svg class=\"chev\" viewBox=\"0 0 12 12\" aria-hidden=\"true\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M4 2l4 4-4 4\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"\/><\/svg><p hidden><\/p><span class=\"num\">PART 10<\/span><a class=\"ttl\" href=\"#part-10\">Being there for someone<\/a><span class=\"cnt\"><span class=\"sec\">5 sections<\/span><span class=\"sep\"> &middot; <\/span>4 min<\/span><\/summary><ul><li><a href=\"#you-dont-need-the-perfect-words\">You don't need the perfect words<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#what-to-say-and-what-to-skip\">What to say, and what to skip<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#when-the-loss-isnt-a-death\">When the loss isn't a death<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#help-that-doesnt-need-asking-for\">Help that doesn't need asking for<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#helping-a-grieving-child\">Helping a grieving child<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/details><details><summary><svg class=\"chev\" viewBox=\"0 0 12 12\" aria-hidden=\"true\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M4 2l4 4-4 4\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"\/><\/svg><p hidden><\/p><span class=\"num\">PART 11<\/span><a class=\"ttl\" href=\"#part-11\">Everything else you were too afraid to ask<\/a><span class=\"cnt\"><span class=\"sec\">8 sections<\/span><span class=\"sep\"> &middot; <\/span>3 min<\/span><\/summary><ul><li><a href=\"#is-it-grief-if-nobody-died\">Is it grief if nobody died?<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#i-feel-relieved-does-that-make-me-a-bad-person\">I feel relieved. Does that make me a bad person?<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#i-didnt-cry-at-the-funeral-did-i-not-love-them\">I didn't cry at the funeral. Did I not love them?<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#i-still-talk-to-them-is-that-okay\">I still talk to them. Is that okay?<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#is-it-wrong-to-feel-happy-again\">Is it wrong to feel happy again?<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#is-it-too-late-to-grieve-something-that-happened-years-ago\">Is it too late to grieve something that happened years ago?<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#where-can-i-find-support\">Where can I find support?<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#will-it-ever-stop-hurting\">Will it ever stop hurting?<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/details><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:92px;margin-bottom:34px\"><div class=\"gr-ph\"><div class=\"tile\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 88 88\" fill=\"none\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><rect x=\"33.73\" y=\"33.73\" width=\"20.55\" height=\"20.55\" rx=\"1.9\" stroke=\"#5f844d\" stroke-width=\"2.2\"\/><rect x=\"37\" y=\"37\" width=\"14\" height=\"14\" rx=\"2\" fill=\"#b784ab\"\/><\/svg><\/div><p class=\"lb\">Part one of eleven<\/p><h2 id=\"part-1\">What grief is<\/h2><p class=\"sb\">Any loss, and more than sadness<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"more-than-sadness\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">More than sadness<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">People expect grief to feel like sadness, and it often does. But it can also feel like anger, guilt, numbness, fear, relief, exhaustion, or a strange flatness where you expected tears. Some days you might feel all of them before lunch, and other days you might feel almost nothing and wonder what that says about you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Grief is the whole response to losing someone or something you were attached to. It's what you feel, and also what happens to your body, your sleep, your thoughts and the shape of your days. At the center of it, for most people, is <strong class=\"eqb\">yearning<\/strong>: the longing for the person, the place or the life you had. In a well-known US study that followed bereaved people through the first two years after a death, yearning was the strongest painful feeling at every point.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">That longing tends to be as big as the bond was. <strong class=\"eqb\">Grief isn't a sign that something has gone wrong with you.<\/strong> It's what attachment feels like once what you were attached to is gone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"grief-is-about-more-than-death\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Grief is about more than death<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Most research on grief has been done with people whose loved one died, and a lot of what we know comes from them. But people grieve many other things, and researchers who study those losses find the same shape of feeling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">When people who had been bereaved, people who had lost a job and people who had divorced were compared in one US study, their grief looked remarkably alike, and what mattered most in every group was how central the loss had been to who they were. The yearning that sits at the heart of grief has been measured in the same way after a death, a breakup and even homesickness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">A grief researcher in Canada who has written widely about these losses describes grief as our instinctive response to any loss, because losses break the assumptions that made life feel safe, predictable and meaningful. Some philosophers of grief go further and suggest that all grief, even after a death, is grief for lost possibilities: everything you expected the future to hold.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">You don't need anyone to have died to be grieving.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"why-it-can-feel-so-strange\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Why it can feel so strange<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">You reach for your phone to tell them something. You set two plates. You hear the key in the door at the usual time and your heart jumps before your head catches up. After a breakup, a move or a lost job, it can be the same: you take the old route to work, or start a sentence with \"we\". If this keeps happening to you, you're not losing your grip.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">One neuroscientist who studies grief explains it like this: for years, your brain has learned that this person is always there, reachable, part of the map of your world. Then you learn that they've gone. Those two pieces of knowledge don't fit together, and your brain has to slowly update one to match the other, through a thousand small moments of reaching and finding nothing there. It's a model rather than a proven fact, but it describes the experience well, and it explains why grieving takes time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Part of grieving is your brain slowly learning something it has every reason to resist.<\/strong> That's why the reaching can go on for months, and why it doesn't mean you're stuck.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"no-two-people-grieve-the-same-way\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">No two people grieve the same way<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Some people want to talk about the loss constantly, cry, look at photos and go over what happened. Others grieve by doing: sorting the paperwork, fixing the fence, building something, going for long runs. Grief researchers call these <em class=\"eqi\">intuitive and instrumental<\/em> styles. Most people are a blend, and the styles are shaped by gender but not decided by it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">This matters most when two people share a loss but grieve it in opposite ways. After a miscarriage, one partner may want to talk every night while the other goes straight back to work and seems fine. It's easy to read that as not caring. Usually it's two different ways of carrying the same weight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Culture shapes grief too: how long mourning lasts, what's said out loud and who is allowed to grieve. When the World Health Organization (WHO) describes grief that has become a disorder, it asks doctors to compare it with what is normal in the person's own culture and religion, because there is no single human standard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Grieving differently from someone else doesn't mean you loved less.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<style>.eqp .eq-kp{display:grid;grid-template-columns:auto minmax(0,1fr);gap:4px 16px;align-items:start;background:#f0f4ee;border:0;border-left:4px solid #3e5733;border-radius:4px 18px 18px 4px;padding:20px 26px;margin:6px 0 34px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:1\/3;width:40px;height:40px;border-radius:50%;background:#fff;color:#3e5733;display:flex;align-items:center;justify-content:center}.eqp .eq-kp .mk svg{width:21px;height:21px}.eqp .eq-kp .k{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.16em;text-transform:uppercase;color:#3e5733;margin:2px 0 4px}.eqp .eq-kp .t{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:clamp(15px,calc(10.6px + .72vw),19px);font-weight:500;line-height:1.55;color:#2e2a28;margin:0}@media(max-width:560px){.eqp .eq-kp{grid-template-columns:minmax(0,1fr);padding:18px 20px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:auto;width:34px;height:34px}}<\/style><aside class=\"eq-kp\"><span class=\"mk\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"><path d=\"M6.5 3.5h11a1 1 0 0 1 1 1v15.6a.5.5 0 0 1-.78.42L12 16.4l-5.72 4.12a.5.5 0 0 1-.78-.42V4.5a1 1 0 0 1 1-1z\"\/><\/svg><\/span><p class=\"k\">Worth remembering<\/p><p class=\"t\">Grief is the response to losing anyone or anything you were attached to, not only a death. It can show up as anger, guilt, numbness, relief or exhaustion, and there\u2019s no single right way to feel it.<\/p><\/aside>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:92px;margin-bottom:34px\"><div class=\"gr-ph\"><div class=\"tile\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 88 88\" fill=\"none\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><rect x=\"33.73\" y=\"33.73\" width=\"20.55\" height=\"20.55\" rx=\"1.9\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"30.45\" y=\"30.45\" width=\"27.09\" height=\"27.09\" rx=\"2.2\" stroke=\"#5f844d\" stroke-width=\"2.2\"\/><rect x=\"37\" y=\"37\" width=\"14\" height=\"14\" rx=\"2\" fill=\"#b784ab\"\/><\/svg><\/div><p class=\"lb\">Part two of eleven<\/p><h2 id=\"part-2\">The losses people don't always count<\/h2><p class=\"sb\">Pregnancy loss, pets, breakups, estrangement, and losses without an ending<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"grief-that-doesnt-feel-allowed\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Grief that doesn't feel allowed<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Some losses come with a funeral, time off work and a fridge full of casseroles. Others come with nothing at all. You might be grieving an ex, a friend you weren't officially close to, a colleague, a pet, a pregnancy, or someone who is still alive but no longer the person you knew, and find that nobody around you seems to think it counts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">A grief researcher gave this a name in the late 1980s: <em class=\"eqi\">disenfranchised grief<\/em>, meaning grief that isn't openly recognized, publicly mourned or socially supported. Not being allowed to grieve doesn't make the grief smaller. It usually just makes it lonelier. In one study that followed people through the first year after a death, those who felt most cut off from others had more symptoms of grief, trauma and depression, and as that sense of disconnection eased, so did their distress.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">If a loss mattered to you, your grief for it is real, whether or not anyone else sees it.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"when-a-pregnancy-ends\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">When a pregnancy ends<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Miscarriage is common, and it's still rarely talked about. Around one in seven pregnancies that people know about ends in miscarriage, which works out to roughly 23 million every year worldwide. Nearly two million babies are stillborn each year too, most of them in sub-Saharan Africa and South Asia. In many places, women are still made to feel they should grieve in silence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">For many people, a pregnancy loss is the loss of a baby and of a whole future they'd already started to imagine: the name, the due date, the room. In one UK study, about three in ten women had symptoms of <span class=\"eq-term\" tabindex=\"0\" aria-describedby=\"gd-1\"><em class=\"eqi\">post-traumatic stress<\/em><span class=\"eq-def\" role=\"tooltip\" id=\"gd-1\"><b>post-traumatic stress<\/b>Symptoms that can follow a frightening or shocking event: the memory pushing back in, avoiding reminders, feeling on edge and sleeping badly. In the study described here they were measured with a questionnaire, which is not the same as a diagnosis.<\/span><\/span> a month after an early loss, and nearly one in five still did nine months later. Partners can be affected too, though fewer of them are, and they're often forgotten in the conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Grieving a pregnancy loss is not an overreaction, however early it happened.<\/strong> Comments like \"at least it was early\" are usually meant kindly, and they can still hurt. It's completely fair to need time, to talk about the baby, or to mark the loss in your own way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"when-a-pet-dies\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">When a pet dies<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Plenty of people have sobbed over a dog or a cat and then felt a bit embarrassed about it. In one study comparing people grieving a pet with people grieving a person, grief after a human death was a little higher on average, but the thing that predicted how hard someone grieved was the same in both groups: how close they had been.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">How much you grieve depends on how close you were, not on whether they were human.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">People grieving a pet often feel they have to be careful about whom they tell, and in one experiment, people rated grief over a pet as less legitimate than grief over a partner or a child. If you had to decide to have your pet put to sleep, guilt is very common afterward too, even when it was the kindest choice you could make.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"breakups-and-divorce\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Breakups and divorce<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">It's one in the morning and you're looking at your ex's photos again, and it feels as if you're back at the start. Nobody has died, and it can still feel like grief, because in many ways it is: you've lost a person, a routine and a version of your future.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">When researchers asked people to rate their feelings every day for a month after a breakup, sadness and anger faded over those weeks, but not in a straight line. Some days were much worse than others. Staying in touch with the ex slowed the fading of both love and sadness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Staying in close contact with an ex, even just online, can slow the healing.<\/strong> That doesn't mean you have to cut someone out forever. It might just mean muting, unfollowing or taking a break for a while.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Recovery after a breakup tends to come with two things: a story about what happened that makes some sense to you, and a clearer sense of who you are on your own.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"when-youve-cut-someone-off\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">When you've cut someone off<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Estrangement is its own kind of loss. If you've stopped speaking to a parent or a sibling, often for very good reasons, you might feel relief and grief at the same time, and then feel confused about the grief. In interviews with adult children who had cut off a parent, many said they didn't miss the person so much as the family they had never had, and they felt that loss for years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">You can be relieved and grieving at the same time.<\/strong> It isn't a sign that the decision was wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">It's also more common than it feels from the inside. In one large US survey, about one adult in four had been estranged from their father at some point, and most people who were estranged from a parent later reconnected, at least for a while.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"losses-without-an-ending\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Losses without an ending<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Some losses have no clear edges. A family therapist named this <em class=\"eqi\">ambiguous loss<\/em>. Sometimes someone is physically gone but still present in your mind, like a person who is missing or a family left behind after moving countries. Sometimes they're physically there but psychologically gone, like a parent with dementia. There's no funeral for these losses, so people can feel frozen, waiting for an ending that doesn't come. Instead of chasing closure, it often helps to hold two truths at once: they're here, and they're gone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Caring for someone who is dying brings its own grief before the death. It's often called anticipatory grief, and many researchers now prefer \"<em class=\"eqi\">pre-loss grief<\/em>\". You might expect that grieving in advance would use some of it up. Research on family caregivers suggests it doesn't: very heavy grief before a death tends to go with harder grief afterward, while feeling prepared for the death tends to help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">If you're grieving someone who is still alive, that grief deserves support now, not only after they're gone.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:92px;margin-bottom:34px\"><div class=\"gr-ph\"><div class=\"tile\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 88 88\" fill=\"none\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><rect x=\"33.73\" y=\"33.73\" width=\"20.55\" height=\"20.55\" rx=\"1.9\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"30.45\" y=\"30.45\" width=\"27.09\" height=\"27.09\" rx=\"2.2\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"27.18\" y=\"27.18\" width=\"33.64\" height=\"33.64\" rx=\"2.5\" stroke=\"#5f844d\" stroke-width=\"2.2\"\/><rect x=\"37\" y=\"37\" width=\"14\" height=\"14\" rx=\"2\" fill=\"#b784ab\"\/><\/svg><\/div><p class=\"lb\">Part three of eleven<\/p><h2 id=\"part-3\">Grieving what could have been<\/h2><p class=\"sb\">The child you hoped for, a diagnosis, the childhood you didn't have, who you used to be, and why it comes back at milestones<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"when-the-loss-keeps-going\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">When the loss keeps going<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Some losses don't happen once. They keep happening. The baby that doesn't come, month after month. The diagnosis that changes what your child's life will look like. The career you trained for and couldn't keep. The day itself may be long past, but the life you expected keeps not arriving, and every so often you feel the gap all over again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Two Australian researchers called this <em class=\"eqi\">nonfinite loss<\/em>: loss that continues over time, because what's lost isn't only a thing or a person but a future. The grief that goes with it has a name too, <em class=\"eqi\">chronic sorrow<\/em>. It was first described in 1962 by a US counselor who noticed that parents of children with intellectual disabilities carried a lasting, recurring sadness. He argued that this was a natural response to a real and ongoing situation, not a failure to accept it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">These losses often overlap with the ones in part two. They can be ambiguous, with no clear ending, and they're very often disenfranchised, because nobody sends flowers when an IVF cycle fails or a career ends. The same loss can be all of these at once.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Grief for a future that never arrived is still grief<\/strong>, even when there was never anything anyone else could see.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"the-child-you-hoped-for\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">The child you hoped for<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">About one in six people of reproductive age experience infertility at some point, according to the WHO, and the rate is similar in rich and poorer countries. In 2025 it published its first global guideline on infertility, which calls for psychological support for everyone affected. Infertility is rarely only a medical problem. It's a pregnancy announcement you have to smile through, a baby shower invitation, or a stranger asking \"do you have kids?\".<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">When fertility treatment ends without a child, a review of the research found that people's mental health and well-being were worse on average than those of people who hadn't been through it, and that things tended to improve with time. People who came to accept what had happened, found some meaning in it and set new goals for their lives were doing better. In a large Dutch study, what predicted poorer mental health years later wasn't being childless so much as still holding on to the wish for a child.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Men often grieve this more quietly. In one small UK study, childless men said the longing for fatherhood faded as they got older but never quite stopped, and many felt like outsiders at family gatherings and at work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Letting a wish go slowly isn't the same as saying it didn't matter.<\/strong> For many people, it's what makes room for the rest of their life to grow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"a-diagnosis-yours-or-someone-you-love\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">A diagnosis, yours or someone you love<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">A diagnosis can divide life into before and after. A sociologist who interviewed people living with chronic illness called what they lost a <em class=\"eqi\">loss of self<\/em>: watching the old picture of who they were fall away before a new one had formed. People with invisible illnesses often grieve what once was and what will never be while others doubt anything is wrong, and in one study, simple words like \"I believe you\" helped them feel their grief was legitimate. People living with dementia describe grieving for the person they used to be, for how others now see them, and for the person they will become.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">When the diagnosis is your child's, the grief is often for the future you'd pictured and for the hard parts: the appointments, the worry, the fights for support. A review of research on parents of children with a chronic illness or disability found this sorrow to be a normal part of parenting in that situation, often flaring at health crises and at the milestones other children reach.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Grieving the future you'd pictured isn't the same as wishing your child were someone else.<\/strong> Parents in many countries describe the same pattern, and in one study the sorrow had little to do with how long ago the diagnosis was.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"the-childhood-or-the-parent-you-never-had\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">The childhood or the parent you never had<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">A friend mentions a long, easy phone call with her mom, and something in you aches. Some people grieve a parent who was there but couldn't show up for them because of addiction, illness or their own pain, or grieve a childhood that was spent being the grown-up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Research on this is still small, but it points the same way. In one study of adults who grew up with a parent who drank heavily, many said that grieving the childhood they'd lost was harder than grieving the parent's death itself. Adults who grew up with a parent's mental illness have described grief and a shaky sense of who they are. Therapists often talk about grieving the parent you needed, and while that's a clinical idea more than a research finding, many people recognize it at once.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">You can grieve something you never had.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"who-you-used-to-be\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Who you used to be<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Losing a job, retiring, moving to another country or leaving a faith can all mean losing part of who you are. Not every change like this brings grief, and not everyone feels it. In a classic UK study of men who had lost their jobs, about one in four had a clear grief reaction, and it was stronger the more attached they had been to the work. Across many studies, losing a job roughly doubled the share of people with psychological problems. Retirement, by contrast, goes well for most people, although athletes forced to retire by injury often struggle, especially when the sport was their whole identity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Moving countries can mean losing a language, a landscape, family nearby and the everyday sense of belonging. Separation from family and threats to cultural identity are among the stresses of migration, and psychiatrists call the grief that follows <em class=\"eqi\">cultural bereavement<\/em>. Leaving a faith can mean losing a community too: in a small UK study, former members who were shunned described it as grieving the living.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Losing a role can mean losing part of who you are, and that deserves to be grieved too.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"the-relationship-that-ended-or-never-began\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">The relationship that ended, or never began<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Sometimes what you're grieving isn't only the person. It's the future you had with them: the house, the trips, the grown-old-together. In one US study of divorced women, the more they dwelt on the future self their marriage had promised, the lower their well-being. But women who explored that lost future in detail showed more growth in maturity over the following years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Some relationships end before they ever properly begin. Unrequited love has been studied more than you'd think, and it hurts on both sides: the person who loved often believed the feeling was mutual and was never given a clear no. Grief for a relationship that never happened has barely been studied at all, but that doesn't make it any less real.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Thinking through what might have been, rather than pushing it away, seems to help people grow<\/strong>, even if it stings at first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"why-it-comes-back-at-milestones\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Why it comes back at milestones<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">A school's first day photos. A friend's wedding. Mother's Day. A new hospital letter. For nonfinite losses, grief tends to come back at the moments that show the gap between your life and the one around you. Researchers who studied chronic sorrow found that it returns at trigger events like these, and that being confronted with what's \"normal\" for everyone else was one of the most common triggers, in bereaved people as well as in parents and people living with illness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">This can be confusing if you thought you'd made peace with something. But acceptance and sorrow can sit side by side. You can accept that your life has gone a different way and still feel the loss when the world reminds you of it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Grief that comes back at milestones is normal.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<style>.eqp .eq-kp{display:grid;grid-template-columns:auto minmax(0,1fr);gap:4px 16px;align-items:start;background:#f0f4ee;border:0;border-left:4px solid #3e5733;border-radius:4px 18px 18px 4px;padding:20px 26px;margin:6px 0 34px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:1\/3;width:40px;height:40px;border-radius:50%;background:#fff;color:#3e5733;display:flex;align-items:center;justify-content:center}.eqp .eq-kp .mk svg{width:21px;height:21px}.eqp .eq-kp .k{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.16em;text-transform:uppercase;color:#3e5733;margin:2px 0 4px}.eqp .eq-kp .t{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:clamp(15px,calc(10.6px + .72vw),19px);font-weight:500;line-height:1.55;color:#2e2a28;margin:0}@media(max-width:560px){.eqp .eq-kp{grid-template-columns:minmax(0,1fr);padding:18px 20px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:auto;width:34px;height:34px}}<\/style><aside class=\"eq-kp\"><span class=\"mk\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"><path d=\"M6.5 3.5h11a1 1 0 0 1 1 1v15.6a.5.5 0 0 1-.78.42L12 16.4l-5.72 4.12a.5.5 0 0 1-.78-.42V4.5a1 1 0 0 1 1-1z\"\/><\/svg><\/span><p class=\"k\">Worth remembering<\/p><p class=\"t\">Grief for a future that never arrived is still grief. It often comes back at milestones, and that\u2019s normal, not a failure to accept.<\/p><\/aside>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:92px;margin-bottom:34px\"><div class=\"gr-ph\"><div class=\"tile\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 88 88\" fill=\"none\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><rect x=\"33.73\" y=\"33.73\" width=\"20.55\" height=\"20.55\" rx=\"1.9\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"30.45\" y=\"30.45\" width=\"27.09\" height=\"27.09\" rx=\"2.2\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"27.18\" y=\"27.18\" width=\"33.64\" height=\"33.64\" rx=\"2.5\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"23.91\" y=\"23.91\" width=\"40.18\" height=\"40.18\" rx=\"2.9\" stroke=\"#5f844d\" stroke-width=\"2.2\"\/><rect x=\"37\" y=\"37\" width=\"14\" height=\"14\" rx=\"2\" fill=\"#b784ab\"\/><\/svg><\/div><p class=\"lb\">Part four of eleven<\/p><h2 id=\"part-4\">What grief does to your body and mind<\/h2><p class=\"sb\">Sleep, memory, your heart, and sensing someone who has died<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"grief-is-physical\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Grief is physical<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Nobody really warns you how physical grief is. A tight throat, a heavy chest, sighing without meaning to, waves of exhaustion, no appetite or constant snacking, aches that seem to come from nowhere. Doctors described this in the 1940s, and people describe the same things today.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Grief also puts real strain on the body, and most of what we know here comes from people grieving a death. In one US study, the risk of a heart attack was many times higher in the day after the death of someone close, then fell day by day. The chance for any one person stays small, but it matters more if you already have heart disease.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">A rare condition sometimes called broken heart syndrome, where sudden stress weakens the heart muscle for a while, can look just like a heart attack. Most people recover within weeks, but it needs medical care. People who have lost a partner also have a higher risk of dying themselves, especially in the first six months, and especially men. Researchers call this the <em class=\"eqi\">widowhood effect<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Other losses leave a mark too. Divorce is linked to a higher risk of early death, much like widowhood. These are links rather than proof of cause, but they're a reason to take any big loss seriously.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">None of this is meant to frighten you. It's why looking after your body counts as part of grieving, not a distraction from it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Chest pain, breathlessness or fainting are never something to explain away as grief.<\/strong> Get them checked straight away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"sleep\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Sleep<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Sleep is often one of the first things to go. You can't get to sleep, you wake at four and lie there, or you sleep for twelve hours and still wake up exhausted. Nights can be the loneliest part of the day, and in studies where bereaved people rated their grief several times a day, it tended to be worse later in the day and when they were alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Poor sleep makes everything harder: your mood, your patience, your ability to cope with the next wave. <strong class=\"eqb\">For most people, sleep does get better.<\/strong> In one study that followed bereaved people for a year, nearly half slept reasonably well throughout and most of the rest improved, while about one in ten kept struggling, and they were also the people whose grief stayed most intense. Treatment for insomnia works well in general, although it has hardly been tested in grieving people specifically.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-background has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-bd3116f4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"background-color:#f0f4ee;border-radius:18px;margin-top:4px;margin-bottom:30px;padding:24px 28px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2b3e23;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:12.5px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">WHAT HELPS<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.568), 19px);line-height:1.7\">\n<li>Keep roughly the same wake-up time, even after a bad night.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Get outside in daylight in the morning, even for ten minutes.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"\/alcohol-101\/#what-it-does-to-your-sleep\" style=\"color:#3e5733;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1.5px;text-decoration-color:#85a375\">Go easy on alcohol<\/a>. It can help you drop off, but it breaks up sleep later in the night.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>If sleep is still very poor after a few weeks, talk to a doctor.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"memory-and-concentration\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Memory and concentration<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">You walk into a room and forget why. You read the same paragraph four times, lose your keys and can't follow a conversation at work. Many people call it grief brain or grief fog, and it makes sense: a mind taken up with longing, poor sleep and stress has less room for everything else. Research that actually measures thinking and memory after a loss is thinner than you'd expect, though.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">In one large Dutch study, people going through ordinary grief did just as well on thinking tests as people who weren't grieving, and the small differences that turned up were in people whose grief had become stuck.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Forgetting things while you grieve doesn't mean your mind is failing.<\/strong> In the meantime, write things down, set reminders, and give yourself far more time than usual for anything that needs careful thought.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"seeing-hearing-or-sensing-them\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Seeing, hearing or sensing them<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">You catch their smell in the hallway. You hear your name in their voice as you're falling asleep, or see them across a crowded street. Experiences like these are rarely mentioned, because people are afraid of being told they're losing their mind.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Studies suggest that somewhere between a third and more than half of people who lose a partner have experiences like these, and most of them have no history of mental illness. How they're understood depends a lot on culture: in many Southern European and Latin American communities, a visit from someone who has recently died is common and can be a comfort.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Sensing someone who has died is common, and it isn't a sign that anything is wrong with your mind.<\/strong> If the experiences are frightening, constant, or come with other things that worry you, it's worth talking them through with a doctor or therapist.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<style>.eqp .eq-kp{display:grid;grid-template-columns:auto minmax(0,1fr);gap:4px 16px;align-items:start;background:#f0f4ee;border:0;border-left:4px solid #3e5733;border-radius:4px 18px 18px 4px;padding:20px 26px;margin:6px 0 34px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:1\/3;width:40px;height:40px;border-radius:50%;background:#fff;color:#3e5733;display:flex;align-items:center;justify-content:center}.eqp .eq-kp .mk svg{width:21px;height:21px}.eqp .eq-kp .k{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.16em;text-transform:uppercase;color:#3e5733;margin:2px 0 4px}.eqp .eq-kp .t{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:clamp(15px,calc(10.6px + .72vw),19px);font-weight:500;line-height:1.55;color:#2e2a28;margin:0}@media(max-width:560px){.eqp .eq-kp{grid-template-columns:minmax(0,1fr);padding:18px 20px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:auto;width:34px;height:34px}}<\/style><aside class=\"eq-kp\"><span class=\"mk\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"><path d=\"M6.5 3.5h11a1 1 0 0 1 1 1v15.6a.5.5 0 0 1-.78.42L12 16.4l-5.72 4.12a.5.5 0 0 1-.78-.42V4.5a1 1 0 0 1 1-1z\"\/><\/svg><\/span><p class=\"k\">Worth remembering<\/p><p class=\"t\">Grief lives in your body as well as your mind. Aches, broken sleep, a foggy head and even sensing the person who died are all common, and looking after your body is part of grieving, not a distraction from it.<\/p><\/aside>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:92px;margin-bottom:34px\"><div class=\"gr-ph\"><div class=\"tile\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 88 88\" fill=\"none\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><rect x=\"33.73\" y=\"33.73\" width=\"20.55\" height=\"20.55\" rx=\"1.9\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"30.45\" y=\"30.45\" width=\"27.09\" height=\"27.09\" rx=\"2.2\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"27.18\" y=\"27.18\" width=\"33.64\" height=\"33.64\" rx=\"2.5\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"23.91\" y=\"23.91\" width=\"40.18\" height=\"40.18\" rx=\"2.9\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"20.64\" y=\"20.64\" width=\"46.73\" height=\"46.73\" rx=\"3.3\" stroke=\"#5f844d\" stroke-width=\"2.2\"\/><rect x=\"37\" y=\"37\" width=\"14\" height=\"14\" rx=\"2\" fill=\"#b784ab\"\/><\/svg><\/div><p class=\"lb\">Part five of eleven<\/p><h2 id=\"part-5\">The five stages, and what fits better<\/h2><p class=\"sb\">What the research found, and three ideas that describe grief more closely<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"where-the-five-stages-came-from\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Where the five stages came from<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Almost everyone has heard of the five stages of grief, and many people measure themselves against them. Am I still in denial? Shouldn't I be at acceptance by now?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">The stages come from a Swiss-American psychiatrist, Elisabeth K\u00fcbler-Ross, who wrote about them in 1969. <strong class=\"eqb\">She was describing people who were dying themselves, not people grieving someone else.<\/strong> In a sense, the stages were first about grieving your own future. Others later carried them over to bereavement, and they spread everywhere. Decades later, she and a co-author wrote that the stages were never meant to tuck messy emotions into neat packages, and that not everyone goes through all of them or in any set order.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"what-the-research-found\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">What the research found<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">The best-known test of the stages was the US study from part one, which followed more than two hundred bereaved people over two years. Acceptance was the most common feeling from the very first month, and it kept growing. Yearning, not denial or anger, was the strongest painful feeling throughout. A stage-like order only appeared after the numbers were adjusted in a way that critics have questioned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">There's no good evidence that grief moves through stages in order, and you're not doing it wrong if yours doesn't.<\/strong> Grief researchers have warned that expecting stages can make people feel they're grieving incorrectly. A newer study didn't find a clear link between believing in stages and grieving worse, so if the stages help you name what you feel, you don't have to throw them away. Just don't let them become a timetable.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:8px;margin-bottom:40px\"><aside class=\"ra-ff\"><span class=\"mk\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.6\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"><path d=\"M12 3.5l1.9 5.1 5.1 1.9-5.1 1.9L12 17.5l-1.9-5.1-5.1-1.9 5.1-1.9zM18.5 15.5l.8 2 2 .8-2 .8-.8 2-.8-2-2-.8 2-.8z\"\/><\/svg><\/span><p class=\"k\">Worth noting<\/p><p class=\"t\">When researchers looked at 72 websites about grief, more than half described the five stages, and most of them did so without a word of caution.<\/p><\/aside><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Researchers have since offered three ideas that seem to describe grief more closely.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"swinging-between-the-loss-and-the-rest-of-life\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Swinging between the loss and the rest of life<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">One morning you look through old photos and cry until you're empty. That afternoon you sort out the car insurance, and in the evening you laugh at something on TV and then feel guilty for laughing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">That back and forth is exactly what two grief researchers in the Netherlands describe in what they call the <em class=\"eqi\">dual process model<\/em>. On one side is facing the loss itself: missing the person, crying, remembering. On the other is facing everything the loss has changed: new tasks, new roles, a new routine, and also distraction and rest. Their idea is that people cope best by moving between the two, and that time away from grief isn't avoiding it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">The figure below lets you build a day and see that swing for yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:40px;margin-bottom:48px\"><figure class=\"ra-fig gr-sw\" id=\"gr-sw\"><div class=\"hd\"><p class=\"ti\">Swinging between the two<\/p><p class=\"q\">Build a day. Tap what happens, in any order, and see where it takes you<\/p><\/div><div class=\"pool\" role=\"group\" aria-label=\"Moments of a day\"><button type=\"button\" class=\"pill\" data-i=\"0\" data-s=\"l\" aria-pressed=\"false\">looking at old photos<\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"pill\" data-i=\"1\" data-s=\"r\" aria-pressed=\"false\">sorting the paperwork<\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"pill\" data-i=\"2\" data-s=\"l\" aria-pressed=\"false\">crying in the car<\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"pill\" data-i=\"3\" data-s=\"r\" aria-pressed=\"false\">a walk with a friend<\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"pill\" data-i=\"4\" data-s=\"l\" aria-pressed=\"false\">rereading old messages<\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"pill\" data-i=\"5\" data-s=\"r\" aria-pressed=\"false\">back at work<\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"pill\" data-i=\"6\" data-s=\"l\" aria-pressed=\"false\">visiting a place you shared<\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"pill\" data-i=\"7\" data-s=\"r\" aria-pressed=\"false\">laughing at a show<\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"pill\" data-i=\"8\" data-s=\"l\" aria-pressed=\"false\">telling the story again<\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"pill\" data-i=\"9\" data-s=\"r\" aria-pressed=\"false\">an afternoon nap<\/button><\/div><div class=\"lanes\"><div class=\"lab\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><span class=\"l\">facing the loss<\/span><span class=\"r\">facing the changes, and rest<\/span><\/div><div class=\"plot\"><svg id=\"gr-sw-svg\" viewBox=\"0 0 600 150\" role=\"img\" aria-label=\"A line that moves between facing the loss and facing the changes\"><\/svg><\/div><\/div><ol class=\"steps\" id=\"gr-sw-steps\" aria-label=\"Your day so far\"><\/ol><p class=\"res\" id=\"gr-sw-res\" aria-live=\"polite\"><\/p><button type=\"button\" class=\"ghost\" id=\"gr-sw-clear\">clear the day<\/button><figcaption>In the dual process model, people cope best by moving between <b>facing the loss and facing everything it has changed<\/b>, including rest.<\/figcaption><\/figure><script>(function(){var M=[{\"k\":\"looking at old photos\",\"s\":\"l\"},{\"k\":\"sorting the paperwork\",\"s\":\"r\"},{\"k\":\"crying in the car\",\"s\":\"l\"},{\"k\":\"a walk with a friend\",\"s\":\"r\"},{\"k\":\"rereading old messages\",\"s\":\"l\"},{\"k\":\"back at work\",\"s\":\"r\"},{\"k\":\"visiting a place you shared\",\"s\":\"l\"},{\"k\":\"laughing at a show\",\"s\":\"r\"},{\"k\":\"telling the story again\",\"s\":\"l\"},{\"k\":\"an afternoon nap\",\"s\":\"r\"}],T={\"none\":\"Tap the moments of a day to add them, in any order.\",\"few\":\"Add a few more moments.\",\"l\":\"A day spent only facing the loss can wear you out. The model suggests that stepping away sometimes is part of coping, not avoiding it.\",\"r\":\"Staying busy helps, and grief tends to wait for you. The model suggests turning toward the loss now and then too.\",\"mix\":\"Back and forth. That swing, between facing the loss and getting on with life, is what the model describes as healthy coping.\"},seq=[0,1,3,2,7];var f=document.getElementById(\"gr-sw\");if(!f)return;var svg=document.getElementById(\"gr-sw-svg\"),res=document.getElementById(\"gr-sw-res\"),st=document.getElementById(\"gr-sw-steps\");var bs=f.querySelectorAll(\".pool .pill\");var NS=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\",L=\"#7d4a73\",R=\"#5f844d\",G=\"#e8e1d5\";function el(n,a){var e=document.createElementNS(NS,n);for(var k in a){e.setAttribute(k,a[k]);}return e;}function draw(){while(svg.firstChild){svg.removeChild(svg.firstChild);}svg.appendChild(el(\"line\",{x1:0,y1:75,x2:600,y2:75,stroke:G,\"stroke-width\":1.5,\"stroke-dasharray\":\"4 6\"}));var n=seq.length,step=n>1?540\/(n-1):0,pts=[],i;for(i=0;i<n;i++){var x=n>1?30+i*step:300,y=M[seq[i]].s===\"l\"?32:118;pts.push(x+\",\"+y);}if(n>1){svg.appendChild(el(\"polyline\",{points:pts.join(\" \"),fill:\"none\",stroke:\"#ced9c9\",\"stroke-width\":3,\"stroke-linejoin\":\"round\",\"stroke-linecap\":\"round\"}));}for(i=0;i<n;i++){var p=pts[i].split(\",\");svg.appendChild(el(\"circle\",{cx:p[0],cy:p[1],r:9,fill:M[seq[i]].s===\"l\"?L:R}));}st.innerHTML=\"\";for(i=0;i<n;i++){var li=document.createElement(\"li\");li.textContent=(i+1)+\". \"+M[seq[i]].k;st.appendChild(li);}var hl=false,hr=false;for(i=0;i<n;i++){if(M[seq[i]].s===\"l\"){hl=true;}else{hr=true;}}var key=\"none\";if(n>0){key=hl?(hr?\"mix\":\"l\"):\"r\";}if(n===1){key=\"few\";}res.textContent=T[key];for(i=0;i<bs.length;i++){bs[i].setAttribute(\"aria-pressed\",seq.indexOf(+bs[i].getAttribute(\"data-i\"))>=0?\"true\":\"false\");}}for(var j=0;j<bs.length;j++){bs[j].addEventListener(\"click\",function(){var k=+this.getAttribute(\"data-i\"),at=seq.indexOf(k);if(at>=0){seq.splice(at,1);}else{if(seq.length<M.length){seq.push(k);}}draw();});}document.getElementById(\"gr-sw-clear\").addEventListener(\"click\",function(){seq=[];draw();});draw();})();<\/script><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">It's the best-known model of grief today, and it fits what many bereaved people say, although the swinging itself has been tested less than you might expect, and the model was developed mostly in Western countries and mostly for grief after a death.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Taking a break from grief is part of grieving, not a betrayal of what you've lost.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"keeping-a-bond\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Keeping a bond<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">For much of the twentieth century, the advice was to let go: to detach from the person who died so you could move on. That view has changed a lot. Maybe you talk to them, keep their voicemail, wear their sweater or ask yourself what they would say about a decision. For many people these are ways of carrying the relationship forward in a new form, and researchers call them <em class=\"eqi\">continuing bonds<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">The research is mixed about when bonds help. Bonds that live inside you, like drawing on their advice or their values, have generally gone with people adapting well. Experiences of the person as if they're still out there, like hearing or seeing them, have gone with more distress in some studies, especially after sudden or violent deaths. How the bond feels to you seems to matter as much as what it is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">You don't have to let go of someone to heal.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"life-grows-around-it\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Life grows around it<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">In 1996, a grief counselor in New Zealand named Lois Tonkin wrote about a picture that a bereaved mother had used to explain her grief. The mother had drawn a circle for her life, completely filled in with grief. She had expected the grief to shrink over time. It didn't. Instead, her life slowly grew bigger around it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">The grief was still there, as large as ever, and a reminder could put her right back in the middle of it. But there was more around it now: new people, new days, new parts of herself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">It fits many losses, not only deaths. The version with jars and balls you may have seen online is a later adaptation of the same idea. The figure below shows both ways of picturing it side by side.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:40px;margin-bottom:48px\"><figure class=\"ra-fig gr-gw\" id=\"gr-gw\"><div class=\"hd\"><p class=\"ti\">Two ways of picturing grief<\/p><p class=\"q\">Move through time. Which picture looks more like yours?<\/p><\/div><div class=\"pair\"><div class=\"pan\"><p class=\"nm\">What many people expect<\/p><svg viewBox=\"0 0 200 200\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><circle class=\"lf\" id=\"gr-gw-l1\" cx=\"100\" cy=\"100\" r=\"96\" fill=\"#f0f4ee\" stroke=\"#3e5733\" stroke-width=\"2\" vector-effect=\"non-scaling-stroke\" style=\"transform:scale(.6)\"\/><circle class=\"gf\" id=\"gr-gw-g1\" cx=\"100\" cy=\"100\" r=\"56\" fill=\"#b784ab\" style=\"transform:scale(1)\"\/><\/svg><\/div><div class=\"pan tk\"><p class=\"nm\">What one mother described<\/p><svg viewBox=\"0 0 200 200\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><circle class=\"lf\" id=\"gr-gw-l2\" cx=\"100\" cy=\"100\" r=\"96\" fill=\"#f0f4ee\" stroke=\"#3e5733\" stroke-width=\"2\" vector-effect=\"non-scaling-stroke\" style=\"transform:scale(.6)\"\/><circle class=\"gf\" id=\"gr-gw-g2\" cx=\"100\" cy=\"100\" r=\"56\" fill=\"#b784ab\" style=\"transform:scale(1)\"\/><\/svg><\/div><\/div><p class=\"key\"><span><i style=\"background:#b784ab\"><\/i>the grief<\/span><span><i style=\"background:#f0f4ee;border:1.5px solid #3e5733\"><\/i>the rest of your life<\/span><\/p><div class=\"ctl\"><div><label for=\"gr-gw-t\">Time since the loss: <output id=\"gr-gw-o\" for=\"gr-gw-t\">the first weeks<\/output><\/label><input type=\"range\" id=\"gr-gw-t\" min=\"0\" max=\"4\" step=\"1\" value=\"0\" aria-valuetext=\"the first weeks\"><\/div><button type=\"button\" class=\"rem\" id=\"gr-gw-r\">a reminder hits<\/button><\/div><p class=\"res\" id=\"gr-gw-res\" aria-live=\"polite\">At first, for many people, the grief fills everything.<\/p><figcaption>Left, the picture many people expect: the grief shrinks inside a life that stays the same size. Right, the bereaved mother\u2019s picture: <b>the grief stays, and life grows around it<\/b>.<\/figcaption><\/figure><script>(function(){var T=[\"the first weeks\",\"a few months\",\"a year\",\"a few years\",\"many years\"];var MSG=[\"At first, for many people, the grief fills everything.\",\"On the left the grief is shrinking. On the right it is just as big, with a little room around it.\",\"On the right, the grief is as large as ever. What has changed is how much life there is around it.\",\"New people, new days, new parts of yourself. The grief is still there.\",\"The grief is the same size it always was. There is simply much more life around it now.\"];var f=document.getElementById(\"gr-gw\");if(!f)return;var r=document.getElementById(\"gr-gw-t\"),o=document.getElementById(\"gr-gw-o\"),res=document.getElementById(\"gr-gw-res\");var l1=document.getElementById(\"gr-gw-l1\"),g1=document.getElementById(\"gr-gw-g1\"),l2=document.getElementById(\"gr-gw-l2\"),g2=document.getElementById(\"gr-gw-g2\");var G1=[1,.72,.5,.34,.24],L2=[.6,.68,.78,.9,1];var busy=false;function set(v){o.textContent=T[v];r.setAttribute(\"aria-valuetext\",T[v]);g1.style.transform=\"scale(\"+G1[v]+\")\";l1.style.transform=\"scale(.6)\";g2.style.transform=\"scale(1)\";l2.style.transform=\"scale(\"+L2[v]+\")\";res.textContent=MSG[v];}r.addEventListener(\"input\",function(){set(+r.value);});document.getElementById(\"gr-gw-r\").addEventListener(\"click\",function(){if(busy){return;}busy=true;if(+r.value===0){g1.style.transform=\"scale(1.12)\";g2.style.transform=\"scale(1.12)\";g1.style.fill=\"#7d4a73\";g2.style.fill=\"#7d4a73\";setTimeout(function(){g1.style.transform=\"scale(\"+G1[+r.value]+\")\";g2.style.transform=\"scale(1)\";g1.style.fill=\"\";g2.style.fill=\"\";},700);}l2.style.transform=\"scale(.6)\";res.textContent=\"A song, a date, a smell. For a moment the grief fills everything again, however long it has been.\";setTimeout(function(){l2.style.transform=\"scale(\"+L2[+r.value]+\")\";busy=false;},1700);});set(0);})();<\/script><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">If your grief feels just as big as it did at the start, that doesn't mean nothing has changed. <strong class=\"eqb\">The question isn't only how big the grief is, but how much life there is around it.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<style>.eqp .eq-kp{display:grid;grid-template-columns:auto minmax(0,1fr);gap:4px 16px;align-items:start;background:#f0f4ee;border:0;border-left:4px solid #3e5733;border-radius:4px 18px 18px 4px;padding:20px 26px;margin:6px 0 34px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:1\/3;width:40px;height:40px;border-radius:50%;background:#fff;color:#3e5733;display:flex;align-items:center;justify-content:center}.eqp .eq-kp .mk svg{width:21px;height:21px}.eqp .eq-kp .k{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.16em;text-transform:uppercase;color:#3e5733;margin:2px 0 4px}.eqp .eq-kp .t{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:clamp(15px,calc(10.6px + .72vw),19px);font-weight:500;line-height:1.55;color:#2e2a28;margin:0}@media(max-width:560px){.eqp .eq-kp{grid-template-columns:minmax(0,1fr);padding:18px 20px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:auto;width:34px;height:34px}}<\/style><aside class=\"eq-kp\"><span class=\"mk\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"><path d=\"M6.5 3.5h11a1 1 0 0 1 1 1v15.6a.5.5 0 0 1-.78.42L12 16.4l-5.72 4.12a.5.5 0 0 1-.78-.42V4.5a1 1 0 0 1 1-1z\"\/><\/svg><\/span><p class=\"k\">Worth remembering<\/p><p class=\"t\">There\u2019s no good evidence that grief moves through stages in order. Moving between the loss and the rest of life, and keeping a bond with what you\u2019ve lost, are both normal.<\/p><\/aside>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:92px;margin-bottom:34px\"><div class=\"gr-ph\"><div class=\"tile\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 88 88\" fill=\"none\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><rect x=\"33.73\" y=\"33.73\" width=\"20.55\" height=\"20.55\" rx=\"1.9\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"30.45\" y=\"30.45\" width=\"27.09\" height=\"27.09\" rx=\"2.2\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"27.18\" y=\"27.18\" width=\"33.64\" height=\"33.64\" rx=\"2.5\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"23.91\" y=\"23.91\" width=\"40.18\" height=\"40.18\" rx=\"2.9\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"20.64\" y=\"20.64\" width=\"46.73\" height=\"46.73\" rx=\"3.3\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"17.36\" y=\"17.36\" width=\"53.27\" height=\"53.27\" rx=\"3.6\" stroke=\"#5f844d\" stroke-width=\"2.2\"\/><rect x=\"37\" y=\"37\" width=\"14\" height=\"14\" rx=\"2\" fill=\"#b784ab\"\/><\/svg><\/div><p class=\"lb\">Part six of eleven<\/p><h2 id=\"part-6\">How grief usually unfolds<\/h2><p class=\"sb\">Why many people cope better than they expect, and why it still comes in waves<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"many-people-cope-better-than-they-expect\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Many people cope better than they expect<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">This part can be hard to read if you're in the thick of it, so please take it gently. It describes what happens across many people, and it isn't a verdict on you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">When researchers follow people after the death of someone close, a few patterns keep turning up. The newest review of these studies found that about half kept going with fairly steady, lower levels of grief from early on. About a third started with intense grief that eased over months. And roughly one person in ten had intense grief that stayed. The figure below draws those three paths.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:40px;margin-bottom:48px\"><figure class=\"ra-fig gr-pa\" id=\"gr-pa\"><div class=\"hd\"><p class=\"ti\">Three common paths<\/p><p class=\"q\">How grief after a death tends to change over the first two years. Tap a path<\/p><\/div><div class=\"picks\" role=\"group\" aria-label=\"Paths\"><button type=\"button\" class=\"pill\" data-i=\"0\" aria-pressed=\"true\"><span>lower and steady<\/span> <span class=\"sub\">about half<\/span><\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"pill\" data-i=\"1\" aria-pressed=\"false\"><span>high, then easing<\/span> <span class=\"sub\">about a third<\/span><\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"pill\" data-i=\"2\" aria-pressed=\"false\"><span>high and staying<\/span> <span class=\"sub\">about one in ten<\/span><\/button><\/div><div class=\"chart\"><div class=\"ylab\" aria-hidden=\"true\">how intense the grief is<\/div><div class=\"plot\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 600 300\" role=\"img\" aria-label=\"Three lines over two years: one steady and lower, one high then easing, one high and staying high\"><rect x=\"20\" y=\"12\" width=\"140\" height=\"276\" fill=\"#f5eef3\"\/><line x1=\"0\" y1=\"288\" x2=\"600\" y2=\"288\" stroke=\"#e8e1d5\" stroke-width=\"2\"\/><line x1=\"160\" y1=\"12\" x2=\"160\" y2=\"288\" stroke=\"#e8e1d5\" stroke-width=\"1.5\" stroke-dasharray=\"4 6\"\/><line x1=\"300\" y1=\"12\" x2=\"300\" y2=\"288\" stroke=\"#e8e1d5\" stroke-width=\"1.5\" stroke-dasharray=\"4 6\"\/><path class=\"p on\" id=\"gr-pa-half\" d=\"M20 200 C 120 210, 260 236, 580 258\"\/><path class=\"p\" id=\"gr-pa-third\" d=\"M20 60 C 120 62, 200 82, 290 150 S 470 242, 580 250\"\/><path class=\"p\" id=\"gr-pa-tenth\" d=\"M20 55 C 160 50, 360 60, 580 70\"\/><\/svg><span class=\"bl\" aria-hidden=\"true\">first six months<\/span><\/div><\/div><div class=\"xl\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><span><i class=\"lg\">the death<\/i><i class=\"sh\">death<\/i><\/span><span><i class=\"lg\">6 months<\/i><i class=\"sh\">6 mo<\/i><\/span><span><i class=\"lg\">1 year<\/i><i class=\"sh\">1 yr<\/i><\/span><span><i class=\"lg\">2 years<\/i><i class=\"sh\">2 yrs<\/i><\/span><\/div><p class=\"res\" id=\"gr-pa-res\" aria-live=\"polite\">Grief that is real, but steadier and lower from early on. People on this path still miss the person deeply, and they\u2019re able to keep daily life going.<\/p><figcaption>Averages from the newest review of fourteen analyses that followed people after the death of someone close. <b>The shapes are illustrations, not anyone\u2019s forecast<\/b>, and how common each path looks depends on how it\u2019s measured.<\/figcaption><\/figure><script>(function(){var P=[[\"half\",\"Grief that is real, but steadier and lower from early on. People on this path still miss the person deeply, and they\u2019re able to keep daily life going.\"],[\"third\",\"Grief that starts intense and eases over months. In one study, the easing came mostly between about six months and a year and a half.\"],[\"tenth\",\"Grief that starts intense and stays that way. This is where prolonged grief disorder sits, and where grief-focused therapy helps most.\"]];var f=document.getElementById(\"gr-pa\");if(!f)return;var res=document.getElementById(\"gr-pa-res\"),bs=f.querySelectorAll(\".picks .pill\");for(var i=0;i<bs.length;i++){bs[i].addEventListener(\"click\",function(){var n=+this.getAttribute(\"data-i\");for(var j=0;j<bs.length;j++){bs[j].setAttribute(\"aria-pressed\",j===n?\"true\":\"false\");var el=document.getElementById(\"gr-pa-\"+P[j][0]);el.setAttribute(\"class\",j===n?\"p on\":\"p\");if(j===n){el.parentNode.appendChild(el);}}res.textContent=P[n][1];});}})();<\/script><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">These paths come from studies of bereavement. Other losses haven't been tracked in the same way yet, although a Dutch study of people who had lost their jobs found different patterns, from people who coped well to some who were mainly grieving.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">How often people cope well is debated. The numbers change a lot depending on what researchers measure: when one study required people to be doing well on everything at once, from mood to physical health, only a small minority were. So it's safer to say that many people, often around half, cope fairly steadily, while still missing what they've lost.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">If you're coping better than you expected, that isn't a sign it didn't matter.<\/strong> And if you aren't, that isn't a sign you're doing it wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"intense-early-grief-isnt-a-forecast\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Intense early grief isn't a forecast<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">In the first months, grief can feel so overwhelming that it's hard to imagine it ever being different. One study measured bereaved people's grief many times over two years. For the first six months, the people who later recovered looked much the same as the people whose grief stayed intense. The difference only appeared between about six months and a year and a half.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">So how you feel in the early months doesn't tell you how you'll feel later.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"it-comes-in-waves\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">It comes in waves<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Grief tends to arrive in waves rather than as a steady weight. In one study, widows rated how they were doing every day for three months. Their days swung up and down, with big swings early on that gradually became gentler, on top of a slow overall rise. The daily ratings after a breakup, in part two, showed the same unevenness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Waves can also come back years later. A song in a store, a smell, a birthday, a place you used to go together. One grief expert called these <em class=\"eqi\">subsequent temporary upsurges of grief<\/em>. <strong class=\"eqb\">They can feel like being thrown right back to the beginning, but they're a normal part of how grief lives on, not a sign that you've gone backwards.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"laughter-belongs-here-too\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Laughter belongs here too<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Laughing at a funeral, or at a story about the person who died, can feel almost forbidden. Yet in one small study, people who had lost their partner were filmed talking about them six months later. Those who laughed genuinely, the kind that crinkles the eyes, felt less distress and anger while talking, and in a follow-up, more positive expressions at six months went with less grief a couple of years on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Laughter and grief can sit in the same room.<\/strong> A good memory that makes you laugh is still a way of loving someone.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<style>.eqp .eq-kp{display:grid;grid-template-columns:auto minmax(0,1fr);gap:4px 16px;align-items:start;background:#f0f4ee;border:0;border-left:4px solid #3e5733;border-radius:4px 18px 18px 4px;padding:20px 26px;margin:6px 0 34px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:1\/3;width:40px;height:40px;border-radius:50%;background:#fff;color:#3e5733;display:flex;align-items:center;justify-content:center}.eqp .eq-kp .mk svg{width:21px;height:21px}.eqp .eq-kp .k{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.16em;text-transform:uppercase;color:#3e5733;margin:2px 0 4px}.eqp .eq-kp .t{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:clamp(15px,calc(10.6px + .72vw),19px);font-weight:500;line-height:1.55;color:#2e2a28;margin:0}@media(max-width:560px){.eqp .eq-kp{grid-template-columns:minmax(0,1fr);padding:18px 20px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:auto;width:34px;height:34px}}<\/style><aside class=\"eq-kp\"><span class=\"mk\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"><path d=\"M6.5 3.5h11a1 1 0 0 1 1 1v15.6a.5.5 0 0 1-.78.42L12 16.4l-5.72 4.12a.5.5 0 0 1-.78-.42V4.5a1 1 0 0 1 1-1z\"\/><\/svg><\/span><p class=\"k\">Worth noting<\/p><p class=\"t\">How intense your grief is in the first months doesn\u2019t tell you how you\u2019ll feel later on.<\/p><\/aside>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:92px;margin-bottom:34px\"><div class=\"gr-ph\"><div class=\"tile\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 88 88\" fill=\"none\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><rect x=\"33.73\" y=\"33.73\" width=\"20.55\" height=\"20.55\" rx=\"1.9\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"30.45\" y=\"30.45\" width=\"27.09\" height=\"27.09\" rx=\"2.2\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"27.18\" y=\"27.18\" width=\"33.64\" height=\"33.64\" rx=\"2.5\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"23.91\" y=\"23.91\" width=\"40.18\" height=\"40.18\" rx=\"2.9\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"20.64\" y=\"20.64\" width=\"46.73\" height=\"46.73\" rx=\"3.3\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"17.36\" y=\"17.36\" width=\"53.27\" height=\"53.27\" rx=\"3.6\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"14.09\" y=\"14.09\" width=\"59.82\" height=\"59.82\" rx=\"3.9\" stroke=\"#5f844d\" stroke-width=\"2.2\"\/><rect x=\"37\" y=\"37\" width=\"14\" height=\"14\" rx=\"2\" fill=\"#b784ab\"\/><\/svg><\/div><p class=\"lb\">Part seven of eleven<\/p><h2 id=\"part-7\">When loss comes hard<\/h2><p class=\"sb\">Sudden and violent loss, suicide, losses that pile up, \"if only\" and guilt, and hard relationships<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"when-its-sudden-or-violent\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">When it's sudden or violent<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">A phone call in the middle of an ordinary afternoon. An accident, a disaster, a death nobody saw coming. When a death is sudden and violent, grief often arrives tangled up with shock and trauma. Reviews of the research find that depression, post-traumatic stress and grief that gets stuck are all more common after these losses than after natural deaths, and that recovery tends to be slower.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">In pooled studies, about half of people whose grief had become stuck also had symptoms of post-traumatic stress. There's a useful line between them: in grief you may be preoccupied with how the person died, but in post-traumatic stress the memory feels as though it's happening again, here and now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Sudden isn't always worse, though. Among older couples, whether a death from natural causes was sudden or expected made little difference to how grief went overall.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">After a sudden or violent loss, grief and trauma can both need care<\/strong>, and grief-focused therapy can help with both.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"after-a-suicide\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">After a suicide<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Losing someone to suicide is more common than most people realize. More than 720,000 people are estimated to die by suicide each year, and every one of those deaths has long-lasting effects on the people left behind. Pooled studies suggest that about one person in five knows someone who died by suicide at some point in their life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">On average, the mental health of people bereaved by suicide looks much like that of people bereaved in other ways. But the grief has its own weight. People describe more rejection, shame and stigma, a need to hide how the person died, and questions of why and of blame that can go round for years. Others' awkwardness often turns into silence, just when support is needed most.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Suicide always involves many factors, so no single person, conversation or missed moment explains it<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">If you've lost someone to suicide, support groups with others who have been through it can help. The WHO supports them, as a complement to professional help rather than a replacement, although research on them is still limited. When you talk about it, \"died by suicide\" or \"took their own life\" are the kindest words, because they carry no hint of blame. And if the loss has brought thoughts of ending your own life, please tell someone today.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"when-losses-pile-up\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">When losses pile up<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">A third funeral in a year, and you realize you haven't finished crying for the first. A psychologist described this in 1969 as <em class=\"eqi\">bereavement overload<\/em>: losses coming too close together to grieve one before the next arrives. The team behind the dual process model later added overload to their model, because it can wear down physical as well as mental health.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Multiple losses seem to raise the risk of grief getting stuck in people living through war and displacement, where several traumatic losses often come together. But an earlier loss isn't always a burden. In a study of Norwegian survivors of the 2004 tsunami, people who had been through losses before actually had less severe grief two years later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">One death can also ripple out further than we think. A US estimate from the COVID-19 pandemic found that every death left about nine close relatives bereaved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">When losses pile up, it's not weakness to feel overwhelmed.<\/strong> It's a lot to carry, and it's worth asking for more help than you'd usually need.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"the-losses-that-follow-the-loss\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">The losses that follow the loss<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">A death, a divorce or a diagnosis rarely comes alone. It can bring the loss of an income, a home, a role, friends who drift away or plans you'd made together. Researchers call these <em class=\"eqi\">secondary losses<\/em>. In one Dutch study, it wasn't how many of these knock-on changes people faced that went with harder grief, but how stressful they felt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">For many widows worldwide, the secondary losses are stark. The United Nations points out that in many places, widows can lose their land, their home or their inheritance under customary law, and that older women are far less likely than men to have a pension.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Help with the practical fallout of a loss is part of grief support, not separate from it.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"if-only-and-i-should-have\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">\"If only\" and \"I should have\"<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">If only I'd pushed for that scan. If only I'd stayed. If only I'd taken the other job. I should have visited more. I should have noticed. I shouldn't have said that last thing. Psychologists call these thoughts <em class=\"eqi\">counterfactuals<\/em>, and after something goes wrong, they arrive almost automatically. They sting, but they also have a purpose: they help us learn what to do differently next time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Regret has a pattern. In the short run, people tend to regret the things they did. In the long run, they regret the things they didn't do, and a newer test of this found the same pattern, only weaker. People's most lasting regrets tend to be about not becoming the person they hoped to be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">After a sudden death, \"if only\" thoughts are very common, and they're usually about your own actions. In a Dutch study, bereaved people who kept thinking \"if only I had done something differently\" had more intense grief later on, while the rarer thought \"it could have been worse\" went with less grief. Going over and over the same question can also become a way of avoiding the harder fact that it happened.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Guilt is one of the most common feelings in grief, and it's heavier for some people than others. A review of the research found that it's linked to worse outcomes. It helps to tell two things apart. Regret is wishing things had been different. Self-blame is deciding it was your fault. In a German study that followed bereaved spouses, self-blame went with more intense grief that eased more slowly, while regret didn't. Guilt about feeling happy again can hold grief in place too, which is why that question has its own answer in part eleven.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">What helps is kindness toward yourself.<\/strong> In a set of studies, people who took a self-compassionate view of a regret found it easier to accept and learned more from it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-background has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-bd3116f4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"background-color:#f0f4ee;border-radius:18px;margin-top:4px;margin-bottom:30px;padding:24px 28px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2b3e23;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:12.5px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">WHAT HELPS WITH \"IF ONLY\" AND GUILT<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.568), 19px);line-height:1.7\">\n<li>Notice when a thought starts with \"if only\", and name it as grief, not as a verdict.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Ask yourself what you actually knew at the time, not what you know now.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Speak to yourself the way you'd speak to a friend who was carrying the same regret.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Guilt in grief is often love looking for something it could have done.<\/strong> If it's turned into blaming yourself, that's worth bringing to a therapist, because it's one of the things grief therapy works on directly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"when-the-relationship-was-hard\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">When the relationship was hard<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">You might be grieving a parent who hurt you, a partner you'd been planning to leave, or someone you hadn't spoken to in years. It can be one of the most confusing kinds of grief: angry and sad at the same time, relieved and then guilty for feeling relieved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">It's often assumed that a difficult relationship makes grief worse. In a large US study that followed older people from before their spouse died, it was the other way round: yearning was lower after conflicted marriages and higher when couples had been very close or dependent on each other. There's almost no research on grieving a parent who was abusive, but in therapy it's common to grieve both the person and the relationship you wished you'd had.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">You don't have to forgive someone to grieve them<\/strong>, and you don't have to grieve them in the way other people expect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"grief-we-carry-together\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Grief we carry together<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Sometimes a loss is shared by a whole community or country. During the COVID-19 pandemic, studies in the Netherlands found that deaths from the virus brought more intense early grief than other natural deaths, much like sudden deaths, largely because they were unexpected and people often couldn't say goodbye.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">In war and displacement, grief that gets stuck is very common, and the daily struggle of life afterward, finding work, papers and a home, plays a part too. And some people grieve places, species and ways of life that are disappearing. Researchers who worked with Inuit communities in Canada and farmers in Australia called this <em class=\"eqi\">ecological grief<\/em>. It's a real response to real loss, not a diagnosis, and some think it can even move people to act.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">When a loss is shared, it can help to grieve it together too, through rituals, memorials or simply naming it out loud.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<style>.eqp .eq-kp{display:grid;grid-template-columns:auto minmax(0,1fr);gap:4px 16px;align-items:start;background:#f0f4ee;border:0;border-left:4px solid #3e5733;border-radius:4px 18px 18px 4px;padding:20px 26px;margin:6px 0 34px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:1\/3;width:40px;height:40px;border-radius:50%;background:#fff;color:#3e5733;display:flex;align-items:center;justify-content:center}.eqp .eq-kp .mk svg{width:21px;height:21px}.eqp .eq-kp .k{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.16em;text-transform:uppercase;color:#3e5733;margin:2px 0 4px}.eqp .eq-kp .t{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:clamp(15px,calc(10.6px + .72vw),19px);font-weight:500;line-height:1.55;color:#2e2a28;margin:0}@media(max-width:560px){.eqp .eq-kp{grid-template-columns:minmax(0,1fr);padding:18px 20px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:auto;width:34px;height:34px}}<\/style><aside class=\"eq-kp\"><span class=\"mk\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"><path d=\"M6.5 3.5h11a1 1 0 0 1 1 1v15.6a.5.5 0 0 1-.78.42L12 16.4l-5.72 4.12a.5.5 0 0 1-.78-.42V4.5a1 1 0 0 1 1-1z\"\/><\/svg><\/span><p class=\"k\">Be mindful<\/p><p class=\"t\">Regret is part of grief. Blaming yourself is different, and it tends to keep grief stuck.<\/p><\/aside>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:92px;margin-bottom:34px\"><div class=\"gr-ph\"><div class=\"tile\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 88 88\" fill=\"none\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><rect x=\"33.73\" y=\"33.73\" width=\"20.55\" height=\"20.55\" rx=\"1.9\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"30.45\" y=\"30.45\" width=\"27.09\" height=\"27.09\" rx=\"2.2\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"27.18\" y=\"27.18\" width=\"33.64\" height=\"33.64\" rx=\"2.5\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"23.91\" y=\"23.91\" width=\"40.18\" height=\"40.18\" rx=\"2.9\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"20.64\" y=\"20.64\" width=\"46.73\" height=\"46.73\" rx=\"3.3\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"17.36\" y=\"17.36\" width=\"53.27\" height=\"53.27\" rx=\"3.6\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"14.09\" y=\"14.09\" width=\"59.82\" height=\"59.82\" rx=\"3.9\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"10.82\" y=\"10.82\" width=\"66.36\" height=\"66.36\" rx=\"4.3\" stroke=\"#5f844d\" stroke-width=\"2.2\"\/><rect x=\"37\" y=\"37\" width=\"14\" height=\"14\" rx=\"2\" fill=\"#b784ab\"\/><\/svg><\/div><p class=\"lb\">Part eight of eleven<\/p><h2 id=\"part-8\">Getting through the days<\/h2><p class=\"sb\">Talking or not, rituals around the world, work, anniversaries, and grief in later life<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"the-first-weeks\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">The first weeks<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">The first weeks after a big loss are often a blur of phone calls, paperwork and people. Some people feel numb and oddly efficient; others can barely get out of bed. <strong class=\"eqb\">How you are in these first weeks doesn't tell you how the rest of your grief will go.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-background has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-bd3116f4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"background-color:#f0f4ee;border-radius:18px;margin-top:4px;margin-bottom:30px;padding:24px 28px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2b3e23;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:12.5px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">WHAT HELPS<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.568), 19px);line-height:1.7\">\n<li>Eat something, even if it's small and plain (toast counts), and drink water.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Let people help, and give them specific jobs: groceries, phone calls, school pickups.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Keep a notebook for everything you need to remember.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>If you can, leave decisions that are hard to undo until you feel steadier.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"talking-and-not-talking\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Talking, and not talking<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">You might be told that you need to talk about it, cry it out or write down your feelings, or it'll stay bottled up. It's a common belief, and the research doesn't really support it. In two studies of bereaved people, talking about the loss and sharing feelings didn't predict better adjustment over time, and a writing exercise that has helped with other kinds of stress didn't reduce distress after a death either. A review of this area found no clear evidence that expressing feelings is what helps people through ordinary grief.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">That doesn't mean talking is bad. If you want to talk, talking to someone who listens well can be a huge comfort. It means that if you're a private person who doesn't want to go over it, you're not damaging yourself by keeping it to yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Talking about it can help if you want to, but it isn't a requirement for healing.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"rituals-and-remembering\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Rituals and remembering<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Funerals, memorials, lighting a candle, visiting a grave, cooking their recipe on their birthday. You might expect research to show clearly that rituals ease grief. It's more mixed than that. In one Dutch study, bereaved people said funerals and rituals helped them, but how they rated the funeral didn't predict how their grief went. A review of funeral research found that what seemed to matter was being able to shape the goodbye in a way that felt meaningful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">So <strong class=\"eqb\">the ritual that helps is the one that means something to you<\/strong>. It doesn't have to be grand or traditional, and if you missed the funeral, or it didn't feel right, you can create your own goodbye later. Non-death losses rarely come with any ritual at all, so it can help to make one: planting something for a pregnancy that ended, writing a letter to the life you'd planned, or marking the last day at a job.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"mourning-around-the-world\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Mourning around the world<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Every culture has its own ways of mourning, and they vary widely: how feelings are shown, how the dead are remembered, what people believe happens after death, and how long mourning lasts. In some communities formal mourning lasts a year, and in others the rituals are meant to bring grief out and are over quickly. In traditions that see death as a passage, grief can be tied to worry about how the person is doing in the afterlife.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Jewish mourning, for example, moves through a week called shiva, then the first month, the first year and lifelong remembrance. In Mexico's Day of the Dead, which UNESCO recognizes as cultural heritage, families welcome the dead home each year with their favorite foods, flowers and candles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Researchers have warned that most grief research, and the criteria for grief that has become a disorder, were built in Europe and North America, and may not fit everywhere.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Your own culture's ways of mourning are as valid as any in a textbook, and so is choosing your own.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"going-back-to-work\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Going back to work<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Going back to work can be a relief: structure, and a few hours of thinking about something else. It can also be exhausting. In a review of research on bereaved parents, <strong class=\"eqb\">returning to work often helped, especially when there was flexibility over when and how<\/strong>, and careless comments from colleagues were one of the hardest parts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">There's no international standard for time off after a death, and the rules vary enormously. In England, Scotland and Wales, employed parents whose child dies before the age of 18, or who have a stillbirth after 24 weeks of pregnancy, have a legal right to two weeks of bereavement leave. New Zealand gives at least three days of paid leave, including after a miscarriage or stillbirth. In the US, there's no national right to bereavement leave. Most other losses, like a divorce, a diagnosis or a failed IVF cycle, come with no leave at all. Many workplaces offer more than the law requires, so it's worth asking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-background has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-bd3116f4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"background-color:#f0f4ee;border-radius:18px;margin-top:4px;margin-bottom:30px;padding:24px 28px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2b3e23;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:12.5px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">WHAT HELPS<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.568), 19px);line-height:1.7\">\n<li>Tell your manager what you'd like colleagues to know, and whether you want them to mention it.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Ask for flexibility: shorter days, working from home or a phased return.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Keep a quiet place in mind where you can go if a wave hits.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"anniversaries-birthdays-and-holidays\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Anniversaries, birthdays and holidays<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">The first birthday without them, the first holiday season, the date of the death, or a due date that passes without a baby. A recent review of research on anniversary reactions concluded that grief, physical symptoms and distress really can gather around these dates, even though the studies vary a lot in quality.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">In one US study, recently widowed older adults felt worse in the month of their late partner's birthday and in the January after the holidays, but mostly in the first six months after the loss, not later on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-background has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-bd3116f4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"background-color:#f0f4ee;border-radius:18px;margin-top:4px;margin-bottom:30px;padding:24px 28px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2b3e23;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:12.5px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">WHAT HELPS<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.568), 19px);line-height:1.7\">\n<li><strong class=\"eqb\">Decide ahead of time how you'd like to spend the day, and have a gentler plan B.<\/strong><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Tell the people close to you what you'd like: to talk about it, or not.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Keep old traditions, change them, or skip them this year. Any of those is allowed.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Add something small that marks the loss: a candle, their song, a place they loved.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"grief-in-later-life\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Grief in later life<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Later life can bring losses one after another: a partner, friends, siblings, health, a home. After a partner dies, loneliness is often the hardest part. A review of long-term studies found that loneliness peaks right after the death, and that widowers tend to be lonelier than widows. In a US study of older people, losing a partner mainly raised loneliness, which then spread into other low moods.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Grief in older age can also show up in the body more than in words. In older adults, grief that has become stuck may appear mainly as physical complaints.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Loneliness, more than sadness, is often what needs tending in later-life grief<\/strong>, so staying connected matters: regular contact, shared meals, a group or volunteering, whatever fits.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:92px;margin-bottom:34px\"><div class=\"gr-ph\"><div class=\"tile\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 88 88\" fill=\"none\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><rect x=\"33.73\" y=\"33.73\" width=\"20.55\" height=\"20.55\" rx=\"1.9\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"30.45\" y=\"30.45\" width=\"27.09\" height=\"27.09\" rx=\"2.2\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"27.18\" y=\"27.18\" width=\"33.64\" height=\"33.64\" rx=\"2.5\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"23.91\" y=\"23.91\" width=\"40.18\" height=\"40.18\" rx=\"2.9\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"20.64\" y=\"20.64\" width=\"46.73\" height=\"46.73\" rx=\"3.3\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"17.36\" y=\"17.36\" width=\"53.27\" height=\"53.27\" rx=\"3.6\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"14.09\" y=\"14.09\" width=\"59.82\" height=\"59.82\" rx=\"3.9\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"10.82\" y=\"10.82\" width=\"66.36\" height=\"66.36\" rx=\"4.3\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"7.55\" y=\"7.55\" width=\"72.91\" height=\"72.91\" rx=\"4.7\" stroke=\"#5f844d\" stroke-width=\"2.2\"\/><rect x=\"37\" y=\"37\" width=\"14\" height=\"14\" rx=\"2\" fill=\"#b784ab\"\/><\/svg><\/div><p class=\"lb\">Part nine of eleven<\/p><h2 id=\"part-9\">When grief needs more help<\/h2><p class=\"sb\">Prolonged grief, depression, thoughts of suicide, and the treatments that work<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"when-grief-doesnt-start-to-shift\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">When grief doesn't start to shift<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">For most people, grief is painful and it lasts, but over time life slowly starts to grow around it. For some people, it doesn't. The longing stays so intense and all-consuming, for so long, that daily life can't restart. Since 2022, both of the world's main diagnostic manuals have included a name for this after a death: <em class=\"eqi\">prolonged grief disorder<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">The WHO's manual, ICD-11, describes it as a persistent, pervasive longing for the person who died, or preoccupation with them, together with intense emotional pain: sadness, guilt, anger, difficulty accepting the death, feeling you've lost part of yourself, numbness, or being unable to feel good. It has to have lasted <strong class=\"eqb\">at least six months<\/strong>, clearly beyond what is expected in the person's culture and religion, and it has to be getting in the way of life. The American manual, DSM-5-TR, uses a similar picture but asks for <strong class=\"eqb\">at least twelve months for adults<\/strong>, and six for children and teenagers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Prolonged grief disorder isn't a deadline for grief, or a verdict on how much you loved. <strong class=\"eqb\">It describes grief that has become stuck, and it matters because this kind of grief responds to specific treatment.<\/strong> After an expected death from illness or old age, the figure most often quoted is about one person in ten, and careful surveys of whole populations find fewer. It's much more common after a sudden or violent death. The strongest warning signs in the research are very intense grief before the death, for example during a long illness, and depression. Losing a child or a partner raises the risk too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Some experts worry about turning grief into a diagnosis at all. The people who developed the diagnosis point out that it applies to a small minority, and that those people are the ones most likely to be helped by the right treatment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"when-grief-after-another-loss-gets-stuck\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">When grief after another loss gets stuck<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Both manuals use prolonged grief disorder only after a death. If grief after a divorce, a job loss or a diagnosis gets stuck and starts to take over your life, a doctor is more likely to call it an <em class=\"eqi\">adjustment disorder<\/em>, or depression or anxiety if those fit better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">ICD-11 describes an adjustment disorder as being preoccupied with a stressful change, such as a divorce, losing a job or a new diagnosis, and struggling to adapt to it, in a way that gets in the way of life. It usually settles within about six months, unless the stress itself keeps going. Some researchers argue that grief after a non-death loss deserves its own diagnosis, and for now that's an open debate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">The name matters less than this: <strong class=\"eqb\">if grief after any kind of loss has taken over your life, you deserve help with it, and help exists<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"grief-or-depression\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Grief or depression?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Grief and depression share a lot: tears, low mood, poor sleep, no appetite, trouble concentrating. But they tend to feel different. Grief usually comes in waves linked to what you've lost: reminders, memories, dates. Between the waves there can be moments of warmth, even laughter. Depression is more of a steady gray that colors everything, with a sense of being worthless or hopeless about yourself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">You can have both at once, and depression doesn't have to wait until the grief is over to be treated.<\/strong> Since 2013, the main American diagnostic manual no longer tells doctors to hold off diagnosing depression just because someone has recently lost a person they love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"the-treatments-that-work\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">The treatments that work<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Most people don't need professional help to grieve. Guidelines advise against offering structured therapy to everyone who is bereaved, and reviews of the research agree that help offered to everyone makes little lasting difference. But <strong class=\"eqb\">for people whose grief has become stuck, specific treatments help a lot<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">The best tested are talking therapies built for prolonged grief. They usually combine understanding grief, gently facing the parts of the loss that are being avoided, such as telling the story of the death or visiting places, working with guilt and painful thoughts, keeping a bond with the person, and rebuilding a life with some meaning in it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">One, developed in the US and now called prolonged grief therapy, has worked better in trials than the therapy and standard care it was compared with. Grief-focused <span class=\"eq-term\" tabindex=\"0\" aria-describedby=\"gd-2\"><em class=\"eqi\">cognitive behavioral therapy<\/em><span class=\"eq-def\" role=\"tooltip\" id=\"gd-2\"><b>cognitive behavioral therapy<\/b>A structured talking therapy that works on the links between thoughts, feelings and what you do. The grief-focused versions add gently facing the parts of the loss you have been avoiding.<\/span><\/span> works well too, and the newest review of the trials found that its benefits held up, and even grew, after treatment ended.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Online versions have helped in some trials, though the results are more mixed. In one Swiss trial, an online grief program helped people after a separation or divorce as much as it helped people whose partner had died.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">No medicine is approved to treat grief itself.<\/strong> In the largest trial, an antidepressant didn't ease grief, although it can help with depression when both are present. The WHO also advises against giving sleeping or calming pills from the benzodiazepine family to people simply because they are grieving.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">If you think your grief might be stuck, a doctor, a psychologist or a therapist with training in grief is a good place to start. Bringing it up is not a failure. It's the most direct way to get the kind of help that works.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"grief-and-thoughts-of-suicide\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Grief and thoughts of suicide<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Grief can bring thoughts that are frightening to have. That you'd like to be with them. That there's no point in going on without them, or without the life you'd planned. Many grieving people have fleeting thoughts like these, and they often pass.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">But they're worth taking seriously, because the risk of suicide does go up after losing someone close. It's highest in the first days and weeks, and it rises more after losing a partner or a child, after losing someone to suicide, and when grief becomes stuck. Loneliness seems to be a big part of it, which is one more reason why the people around a grieving person matter so much.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">If grief has brought thoughts of ending your life, please tell someone today.<\/strong> <a href=\"\/crisis-helplines\/\" style=\"color:#3e5733;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1.5px;text-decoration-color:#85a375;display:inline-block;padding:11px 0;margin:-11px 0\">Our helplines page<\/a> will help you find a service in your own country, and if you're in danger right now, call your local emergency number.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">If you're worried about someone who is grieving, it's okay to ask them directly whether they're thinking about suicide. <strong class=\"eqb\">Asking doesn't put the idea in their head.<\/strong> Our <a href=\"\/suicidal-thoughts\/\" style=\"color:#3e5733;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1.5px;text-decoration-color:#85a375\">article on suicidal thoughts<\/a> goes into what helps, whether the thoughts are your own or someone else's.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"when-to-reach-out\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">When to reach out<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">You don't need to wait for a diagnosis to get support.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">If there's no doctor or therapist you can reach or afford, or you're grieving someone the people around you wouldn't let you grieve openly, support can start somewhere else. A grief support group, a faith or community leader you trust, or a free helpline can all be a way in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-background has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-bd3116f4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"background-color:#f0f4ee;border-radius:18px;margin-top:4px;margin-bottom:30px;padding:24px 28px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2b3e23;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:12.5px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">IT'S WORTH TALKING TO A DOCTOR OR THERAPIST IF<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.568), 19px);line-height:1.7\">\n<li>Months have passed and the longing still fills almost every day.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>You can't accept that the loss happened, or you avoid everything that reminds you.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>You've stopped eating, sleeping or looking after yourself for weeks.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>You're drinking or using more to get through.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>\"If only\" thoughts or self-blame run for hours most days.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>You feel life has no meaning or you've lost part of yourself.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>You're having thoughts of ending your life.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<style>.eqp .eq-kp{display:grid;grid-template-columns:auto minmax(0,1fr);gap:4px 16px;align-items:start;background:#f0f4ee;border:0;border-left:4px solid #3e5733;border-radius:4px 18px 18px 4px;padding:20px 26px;margin:6px 0 34px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:1\/3;width:40px;height:40px;border-radius:50%;background:#fff;color:#3e5733;display:flex;align-items:center;justify-content:center}.eqp .eq-kp .mk svg{width:21px;height:21px}.eqp .eq-kp .k{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.16em;text-transform:uppercase;color:#3e5733;margin:2px 0 4px}.eqp .eq-kp .t{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:clamp(15px,calc(10.6px + .72vw),19px);font-weight:500;line-height:1.55;color:#2e2a28;margin:0}@media(max-width:560px){.eqp .eq-kp{grid-template-columns:minmax(0,1fr);padding:18px 20px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:auto;width:34px;height:34px}}<\/style><aside class=\"eq-kp\"><span class=\"mk\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"><path d=\"M6.5 3.5h11a1 1 0 0 1 1 1v15.6a.5.5 0 0 1-.78.42L12 16.4l-5.72 4.12a.5.5 0 0 1-.78-.42V4.5a1 1 0 0 1 1-1z\"\/><\/svg><\/span><p class=\"k\">Worth remembering<\/p><p class=\"t\">Grief that gets stuck isn\u2019t a verdict on how much you loved. Therapy built for it helps a lot, and you don\u2019t need a diagnosis to ask for it.<\/p><\/aside>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:92px;margin-bottom:34px\"><div class=\"gr-ph\"><div class=\"tile\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 88 88\" fill=\"none\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><rect x=\"33.73\" y=\"33.73\" width=\"20.55\" height=\"20.55\" rx=\"1.9\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"30.45\" y=\"30.45\" width=\"27.09\" height=\"27.09\" rx=\"2.2\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"27.18\" y=\"27.18\" width=\"33.64\" height=\"33.64\" rx=\"2.5\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"23.91\" y=\"23.91\" width=\"40.18\" height=\"40.18\" rx=\"2.9\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"20.64\" y=\"20.64\" width=\"46.73\" height=\"46.73\" rx=\"3.3\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"17.36\" y=\"17.36\" width=\"53.27\" height=\"53.27\" rx=\"3.6\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"14.09\" y=\"14.09\" width=\"59.82\" height=\"59.82\" rx=\"3.9\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"10.82\" y=\"10.82\" width=\"66.36\" height=\"66.36\" rx=\"4.3\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"7.55\" y=\"7.55\" width=\"72.91\" height=\"72.91\" rx=\"4.7\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"4.27\" y=\"4.27\" width=\"79.45\" height=\"79.45\" rx=\"5.0\" stroke=\"#5f844d\" stroke-width=\"2.2\"\/><rect x=\"37\" y=\"37\" width=\"14\" height=\"14\" rx=\"2\" fill=\"#b784ab\"\/><\/svg><\/div><p class=\"lb\">Part ten of eleven<\/p><h2 id=\"part-10\">Being there for someone<\/h2><p class=\"sb\">What to say, what to skip, and helping a grieving child<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"you-dont-need-the-perfect-words\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">You don't need the perfect words<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">A friend's parent has died, and you have no idea what to say. So you say nothing, or you avoid them in the hallway because you're afraid of making it worse. Researchers who interviewed bereaved parents found that friends and relatives often wanted to help but didn't know how, and some ended up avoiding them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">When bereaved people have been asked what actually helped, the answers are simple. Someone being there, a chance to talk with someone who listened if they wanted to, and meeting people who had been through something similar. What didn't help included advice, being encouraged to recover or move on, forced cheerfulness, and \"I know how you feel\".<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Turning up and saying something simple matters far more than getting it exactly right.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"what-to-say-and-what-to-skip\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">What to say, and what to skip<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Most of the things people say that land badly are said with love. They're an attempt to make the pain smaller, and to a grieving person they can feel like being asked to hurry up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">The figure below gives some common phrases, for all kinds of loss, and what you might say instead.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:40px;margin-bottom:48px\"><figure class=\"ra-fig gr-sy\" id=\"gr-sy\"><div class=\"hd\"><p class=\"ti\">What to say instead<\/p><p class=\"q\">Things people often say after a loss, any loss. <span id=\"gr-sy-w\">Tap<\/span> one to see how it can land, and what to try instead<\/p><\/div><div class=\"sy-mob\"><label class=\"sy-lab\" for=\"gr-sy-sel\">Pick a phrase<\/label><select class=\"sy-sel\" id=\"gr-sy-sel\"><option value=\"0\" selected>\u201cEverything happens for a reason.\u201d<\/option><option value=\"1\">\u201cI know how you feel.\u201d<\/option><option value=\"2\">\u201cThey\u2019re in a better place.\u201d<\/option><option value=\"3\">\u201cLet me know if you need anything.\u201d<\/option><option value=\"4\">\u201cAt least you can try again.\u201d<\/option><option value=\"5\">\u201cIt was only a dog.\u201d<\/option><option value=\"6\">\u201cPlenty more fish in the sea.\u201d<\/option><option value=\"7\">\u201cAt least they\u2019re still alive.\u201d<\/option><option value=\"8\">\u201cYou\u2019ll find another job.\u201d<\/option><option value=\"9\">\u201cIt\u2019s been a year. Isn\u2019t it time to move on?\u201d<\/option><\/select><\/div><div class=\"grid\"><button type=\"button\" class=\"card cur\" aria-expanded=\"true\"><span class=\"ph\">\u201cEverything happens for a reason.\u201d<\/span><span class=\"ans\"><span class=\"k\">how it can land<\/span><span class=\"v\">As if the loss was meant to be, or somehow deserved.<\/span><span class=\"k\">try instead<\/span><span class=\"v try\">\u201cI\u2019m so sorry. This is so unfair.\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"card\" aria-expanded=\"false\"><span class=\"ph\">\u201cI know how you feel.\u201d<\/span><span class=\"ans\"><span class=\"k\">how it can land<\/span><span class=\"v\">Even when you\u2019ve been through something similar, it can feel as if their grief is being taken over.<\/span><span class=\"k\">try instead<\/span><span class=\"v try\">\u201cI can\u2019t know exactly what this is like for you. I\u2019m here.\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"card\" aria-expanded=\"false\"><span class=\"ph\">\u201cThey\u2019re in a better place.\u201d<\/span><span class=\"ans\"><span class=\"k\">how it can land<\/span><span class=\"v\">Depending on what they believe, it can sound like being told not to be sad.<\/span><span class=\"k\">try instead<\/span><span class=\"v try\">\u201cI\u2019m so sorry they\u2019re gone.\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"card\" aria-expanded=\"false\"><span class=\"ph\">\u201cLet me know if you need anything.\u201d<\/span><span class=\"ans\"><span class=\"k\">how it can land<\/span><span class=\"v\">Kind, but it leaves the work of asking with them.<\/span><span class=\"k\">try instead<\/span><span class=\"v try\">\u201cI\u2019m bringing dinner tomorrow. Is that okay?\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"card\" aria-expanded=\"false\"><span class=\"ph\">\u201cAt least you can try again.\u201d<\/span><span class=\"ans\"><span class=\"k\">how it can land<\/span><span class=\"v\">After a pregnancy loss or a failed round of treatment, it skips over the baby or the hope that was lost this time.<\/span><span class=\"k\">try instead<\/span><span class=\"v try\">\u201cI\u2019m so sorry. This one mattered.\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"card\" aria-expanded=\"false\"><span class=\"ph\">\u201cIt was only a dog.\u201d<\/span><span class=\"ans\"><span class=\"k\">how it can land<\/span><span class=\"v\">It ranks the loss, when the size of it is theirs to decide.<\/span><span class=\"k\">try instead<\/span><span class=\"v try\">\u201cShe was such a good dog. I know how much you loved her.\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"card\" aria-expanded=\"false\"><span class=\"ph\">\u201cPlenty more fish in the sea.\u201d<\/span><span class=\"ans\"><span class=\"k\">how it can land<\/span><span class=\"v\">It jumps straight to the next person, when they\u2019re still missing this one.<\/span><span class=\"k\">try instead<\/span><span class=\"v try\">\u201cBreakups really hurt. Do you want company tonight?\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"card\" aria-expanded=\"false\"><span class=\"ph\">\u201cAt least they\u2019re still alive.\u201d<\/span><span class=\"ans\"><span class=\"k\">how it can land<\/span><span class=\"v\">With dementia, estrangement or a serious illness, it can erase the grief for who the person used to be.<\/span><span class=\"k\">try instead<\/span><span class=\"v try\">\u201cIt must be so hard to miss someone who is still here.\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"card\" aria-expanded=\"false\"><span class=\"ph\">\u201cYou\u2019ll find another job.\u201d<\/span><span class=\"ans\"><span class=\"k\">how it can land<\/span><span class=\"v\">It may be true, and it still skips the loss of the work, the people and who they were there.<\/span><span class=\"k\">try instead<\/span><span class=\"v try\">\u201cThat job meant a lot to you. How are you doing with it?\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"card\" aria-expanded=\"false\"><span class=\"ph\">\u201cIt\u2019s been a year. Isn\u2019t it time to move on?\u201d<\/span><span class=\"ans\"><span class=\"k\">how it can land<\/span><span class=\"v\">Grief doesn\u2019t keep to a timetable, and this can make someone stop talking about it.<\/span><span class=\"k\">try instead<\/span><span class=\"v try\">\u201cI\u2019ve been thinking about her. How are you finding this time of year?\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/button><\/div><figcaption>The \u201ctry instead\u201d lines are suggestions, not quotations from the research. <b>Someone being there and listening<\/b> matters more than the exact words.<\/figcaption><\/figure><script>(function(){var f=document.getElementById(\"gr-sy\");if(!f)return;var bs=f.querySelectorAll(\".card\"),sel=document.getElementById(\"gr-sy-sel\"),mq=window.matchMedia(\"(max-width:640px)\");function pick(n){for(var j=0;j<bs.length;j++){bs[j].className=j===n?\"card cur\":\"card\";bs[j].setAttribute(\"aria-expanded\",j===n?\"true\":\"false\");}if(sel){sel.value=String(n);}}for(var i=0;i<bs.length;i++){bs[i].setAttribute(\"data-i\",i);bs[i].addEventListener(\"click\",function(){if(mq.matches){return;}var on=this.getAttribute(\"aria-expanded\")===\"true\";this.setAttribute(\"aria-expanded\",on?\"false\":\"true\");if(!on){for(var k=0;k<bs.length;k++){bs[k].className=\"card\";}this.className=\"card cur\";if(sel){sel.value=this.getAttribute(\"data-i\");}}});}if(sel){sel.addEventListener(\"change\",function(){pick(parseInt(sel.value,10));});}var wd=document.getElementById(\"gr-sy-w\");function wsync(){if(wd){wd.textContent=mq.matches?\"Pick\":\"Tap\";}}wsync();if(mq.addEventListener){mq.addEventListener(\"change\",wsync);}else{if(mq.addListener){mq.addListener(wsync);}}})();<\/script><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Simple, honest words work best: \"I'm so sorry.\" \"I don't know what to say, but I'm here.\" \"I'm thinking of you today.\" And <strong class=\"eqb\">don't be afraid to say the person's name or share a memory of them<\/strong>. You won't be reminding a grieving person of their loss, because they haven't forgotten it for a second.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"when-the-loss-isnt-a-death\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">When the loss isn't a death<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">A friend's IVF has failed again. A colleague's dog has died. Your sister's marriage has ended, or your neighbor's husband no longer recognizes her. These losses are easy to miss, and harder to talk about, because there's no card for them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">The same things help. In a study of women struggling with infertility, what helped was being listened to, having their feelings validated, practical help and talking to people who had been through it. What hurt was toxic positivity, advice and being told how to feel. Don't rank the loss, and don't rush to the silver lining.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Believe people when they tell you something was a loss for them.<\/strong> It costs you nothing, and it can mean a great deal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"help-that-doesnt-need-asking-for\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Help that doesn't need asking for<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">\"Let me know if you need anything\" is kind, but it hands the work back to the grieving person, who then has to work out what they need and ask for it. Research on bereavement support suggests that help works best when it fits what the person needs at the time, in the amount they want.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-background has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-bd3116f4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"background-color:#f0f4ee;border-radius:18px;margin-top:4px;margin-bottom:30px;padding:24px 28px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2b3e23;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:12.5px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">WHAT HELPS<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.568), 19px);line-height:1.7\">\n<li><strong class=\"eqb\">Offer something specific<\/strong>: \"I'm going grocery shopping on Thursday. What can I get you?\"<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Keep in touch after the first weeks, when the cards stop arriving.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Put their important dates in your calendar, due dates and anniversaries included, and get in touch on those days.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Follow their lead on whether to talk about the loss, and keep asking.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">If it's a colleague, ask how they'd like it handled rather than guessing. A short, private \"I'm really sorry about your mom\" is almost always better than silence. And if you manage people, it helps to know that in a large survey in Germany, grieving employees said they wanted understanding and availability from their managers, while the managers mostly thought about leave policies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">If you\u2019re worried that their grief has turned into thoughts of suicide, <a href=\"#grief-and-thoughts-of-suicide\" style=\"color:#3e5733;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1.5px;text-decoration-color:#85a375;display:inline-block;padding:11px 0;margin:-11px 0\">part nine<\/a> explains how to ask and when to get help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"helping-a-grieving-child\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Helping a grieving child<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Children grieve too, and adults often want to protect them from it. <strong class=\"eqb\">The kindest thing is usually honesty in words they can understand.<\/strong> UNICEF and UK children's bereavement charities advise saying that the person has died, rather than \"we lost Grandma\" or \"she's gone to sleep\", which can leave a young child searching for her or afraid of going to sleep.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Children under about five may not yet understand that death is permanent, and may ask again and again when the person is coming back. Most grasp it somewhere between about five and seven, sometimes earlier. Children also tend to move in and out of grief: crying one minute, asking what's for dinner the next. UK children's bereavement charities call this <em class=\"eqi\">puddle jumping<\/em>, and it's normal. Children grieve other losses too, like a divorce, a move or a pet, and the same honesty helps there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-background has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-bd3116f4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"background-color:#f0f4ee;border-radius:18px;margin-top:4px;margin-bottom:30px;padding:24px 28px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2b3e23;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:12.5px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">WHAT HELPS<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.568), 19px);line-height:1.7\">\n<li>Use the words \"died\" and \"dead\", gently and clearly.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Answer their questions honestly, even when the answer is \"I don't know\".<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Let them take part in the funeral or goodbye if they want to, and prepare them for what they'll see. US pediatricians' guidance recommends this too.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Tell their school or daycare what has happened.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Look after yourself too. <strong class=\"eqb\">A supported parent is better able to support a child.<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Most children cope with time and support, although studies from wealthier countries suggest that around one child in five develops a mental health problem in the year after a parent dies. Programs that support the surviving parent too have helped children, some for years afterward. If a child seems to be struggling at home and school for months, ask a doctor about specialist support.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<style>.eqp .eq-kp{display:grid;grid-template-columns:auto minmax(0,1fr);gap:4px 16px;align-items:start;background:#f0f4ee;border:0;border-left:4px solid #3e5733;border-radius:4px 18px 18px 4px;padding:20px 26px;margin:6px 0 34px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:1\/3;width:40px;height:40px;border-radius:50%;background:#fff;color:#3e5733;display:flex;align-items:center;justify-content:center}.eqp .eq-kp .mk svg{width:21px;height:21px}.eqp .eq-kp .k{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.16em;text-transform:uppercase;color:#3e5733;margin:2px 0 4px}.eqp .eq-kp .t{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:clamp(15px,calc(10.6px + .72vw),19px);font-weight:500;line-height:1.55;color:#2e2a28;margin:0}@media(max-width:560px){.eqp .eq-kp{grid-template-columns:minmax(0,1fr);padding:18px 20px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:auto;width:34px;height:34px}}<\/style><aside class=\"eq-kp\"><span class=\"mk\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"><path d=\"M6.5 3.5h11a1 1 0 0 1 1 1v15.6a.5.5 0 0 1-.78.42L12 16.4l-5.72 4.12a.5.5 0 0 1-.78-.42V4.5a1 1 0 0 1 1-1z\"\/><\/svg><\/span><p class=\"k\">Worth remembering<\/p><p class=\"t\">You don\u2019t need the perfect words. Turning up, believing that the loss was a loss and offering something specific help far more than getting it exactly right.<\/p><\/aside>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:92px;margin-bottom:34px\"><div class=\"gr-ph\"><div class=\"tile\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 88 88\" fill=\"none\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><rect x=\"33.73\" y=\"33.73\" width=\"20.55\" height=\"20.55\" rx=\"1.9\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"30.45\" y=\"30.45\" width=\"27.09\" height=\"27.09\" rx=\"2.2\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"27.18\" y=\"27.18\" width=\"33.64\" height=\"33.64\" rx=\"2.5\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"23.91\" y=\"23.91\" width=\"40.18\" height=\"40.18\" rx=\"2.9\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"20.64\" y=\"20.64\" width=\"46.73\" height=\"46.73\" rx=\"3.3\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"17.36\" y=\"17.36\" width=\"53.27\" height=\"53.27\" rx=\"3.6\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"14.09\" y=\"14.09\" width=\"59.82\" height=\"59.82\" rx=\"3.9\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"10.82\" y=\"10.82\" width=\"66.36\" height=\"66.36\" rx=\"4.3\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"7.55\" y=\"7.55\" width=\"72.91\" height=\"72.91\" rx=\"4.7\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"4.27\" y=\"4.27\" width=\"79.45\" height=\"79.45\" rx=\"5.0\" stroke=\"#adc2a3\" stroke-width=\"1.4\"\/><rect x=\"1\" y=\"1\" width=\"86\" height=\"86\" rx=\"5.3\" stroke=\"#5f844d\" stroke-width=\"2.2\"\/><rect x=\"37\" y=\"37\" width=\"14\" height=\"14\" rx=\"2\" fill=\"#b784ab\"\/><\/svg><\/div><p class=\"lb\">Part eleven of eleven<\/p><h2 id=\"part-11\">Everything else you were too afraid to ask<\/h2><p class=\"sb\">Short, plain answers to the questions people rarely say out loud<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">These are the questions people type into a search bar at night, or keep to themselves because they feel wrong to ask. None of them is strange, and each has a short answer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"is-it-grief-if-nobody-died\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Is it grief if nobody died?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Yes. <strong class=\"eqb\">Grief is the response to losing something you were attached to<\/strong>, and that can be a relationship, a pet, your health, a job, a home, a country or a future you'd counted on. The research on these losses is thinner than the research on bereavement, but the feelings, the waves and the ways through are much the same. Doctors don't diagnose prolonged grief without a death, but that's a question of labels, not of whether your grief is real.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"i-feel-relieved-does-that-make-me-a-bad-person\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">I feel relieved. Does that make me a bad person?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">No. Relief is common, especially after a long illness, after years of caring for someone, or after a relationship that hurt you. In one US study of families who had cared for a relative with dementia, nearly three in four said the death was a relief to them, and more than nine in ten felt it was a relief for the person who died. Relief that their suffering is over, or that yours is, can sit right next to deep grief. <strong class=\"eqb\">It usually means you were carrying something very heavy, not that you didn't love them.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"i-didnt-cry-at-the-funeral-did-i-not-love-them\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">I didn't cry at the funeral. Did I not love them?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Crying isn't a measure of love.<\/strong> Some people cry a lot, some rarely, and some feel numb for weeks. As part one explains, many people grieve by doing rather than by talking or crying. Not crying doesn't mean the grief isn't there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"i-still-talk-to-them-is-that-okay\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">I still talk to them. Is that okay?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Yes. <strong class=\"eqb\">Talking to someone who has died, writing to them, or asking yourself what they'd think is a very common way of keeping a bond with them, and for many people it's comforting.<\/strong> It's only worth talking through with someone if it feels frightening, or if it's stopping you from living your own life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"is-it-wrong-to-feel-happy-again\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Is it wrong to feel happy again?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">It isn't wrong. <strong class=\"eqb\">Feeling joy, laughing, making plans or even falling in love again doesn't erase the person or what they meant to you.<\/strong> If you feel a stab of guilt the first time you realize you've had a good day, you haven't done anything wrong. That guilt can soften as you find that remembering them and living your life can happen together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"is-it-too-late-to-grieve-something-that-happened-years-ago\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Is it too late to grieve something that happened years ago?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">It's never too late.<\/strong> Grief can come back strongly years later, at a new stage of life, when you have your own children, when you reach the age a parent was, or out of nowhere. Some losses only make sense years afterward, like a childhood you now see differently. If an old loss is still weighing heavily on your life, grief-focused therapy isn't only for recent losses. In fact, across the trials, it has tended to help more when the loss was at least six months behind someone than when it was very recent.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"where-can-i-find-support\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Where can I find support?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Your family doctor is a good first step<\/strong>, if you have one you can reach. Guidelines count bereavement support as part of good end-of-life care, so if the person was looked after by a hospice or a <span class=\"eq-term\" tabindex=\"0\" aria-describedby=\"gd-3\"><em class=\"eqi\">palliative care<\/em><span class=\"eq-def\" role=\"tooltip\" id=\"gd-3\"><b>palliative care<\/b>Care for people with a serious illness that focuses on comfort and quality of life rather than cure. The WHO includes support for the family, and bereavement support, as part of it.<\/span><\/span> team, it's worth asking what they offer families. There are also support groups for particular losses, such as the death of a child, a pregnancy loss, infertility, or a death by suicide, where you meet people who understand without explanation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"will-it-ever-stop-hurting\" style=\"color:#3e5733;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Will it ever stop hurting?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">For most people, the sharpest pain softens with time, even if it never disappears completely. The waves become less frequent and less overwhelming, and there's more room between them. What often happens is what that bereaved mother's picture showed: the grief stays, but life grows around it. <strong class=\"eqb\">Missing someone, or something, for the rest of your life isn't a sign that you haven't healed.<\/strong> It's a sign that it mattered.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-background has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-f86ed65e wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"background-color:#f0f4ee;border-color:#d7dfd3;border-width:1.5px;border-style:solid;border-radius:20px;margin-top:46px;margin-bottom:46px;padding:34px 38px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2b3e23;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:12px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">WHAT THE RESEARCH SUPPORTS<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">The strongest evidence here is on five points. Grief doesn't follow stages in a fixed order, and yearning is its strongest painful feeling. Many bereaved people, often around half, cope fairly steadily, while roughly one in ten develop grief that stays intense. Both the WHO and the American Psychiatric Association now recognize prolonged grief disorder after a death, and grief-focused therapies work better than general support for it. Offering counseling to everyone who is bereaved hasn't been shown to prevent problems, while treatment aimed at people who are struggling does help. And grief-like responses after divorce, job loss and other non-death losses can be measured, and look much like grief after a death.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-background has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-7c590e6f wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"background-color:#f5eef3;border-color:#b784ab;border-width:1.5px;border-style:solid;border-radius:20px;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:46px;padding:34px 38px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#5c3354;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:12px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">WORTH BEING CLEAR ABOUT<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2e2a28;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Most grief research comes from Europe, North America and Australia, often from older widowed women, and grief is shaped by culture in ways research doesn't yet capture well. Far less is known about grief after breakups, estrangement, infertility, illness, job loss or a pet than about grief after a death, and ideas like nonfinite loss and chronic sorrow rest mostly on theory and small studies. The dual process model and continuing bonds fit what many people describe, but parts of them are barely tested. And how often people cope well depends on how it's measured, so treat the numbers here as a rough guide, not a forecast for you.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-background has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-50ae14a5 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"background-color:#faf6f0;border-color:#e8e1d5;border-width:1.5px;border-style:solid;border-radius:18px;margin-top:34px;margin-bottom:44px;padding:30px 34px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#6b6259;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:14px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">REFERENCES<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" style=\"color:#524a42;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.17), 15.5px);line-height:1.7\">\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1080\/02650533.2017.1326471\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#85a375\">Agllias, K. 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Grief and bereavement: What psychiatrists need to know. <em>World Psychiatry, 8<\/em>(2), 67-74.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.2196\/29661\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#85a375\">Zuelke, A. E., Luppa, M., L\u00f6bner, M., Pabst, A., Schlapke, C., Stein, J., &amp; Riedel-Heller, S. G. (2021). Effectiveness and feasibility of internet-based interventions for grief after bereavement: Systematic review and meta-analysis. <em>JMIR Mental Health, 8<\/em>(12), Article e29661.<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#6b6259;margin-top:30px;margin-bottom:14px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">BOOKS FROM OUR SHELF<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" style=\"color:#524a42;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.17), 15.5px);line-height:1.7\">\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/openlibrary.org\/works\/OL19732397W\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#85a375\">Samuel, J. (2017). <em>Grief works: Stories of life, death and surviving<\/em>. Penguin Life.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/openlibrary.org\/works\/OL20058067W\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#85a375\">Cacciatore, J. (2017). <em>Bearing the unbearable: Love, loss, and the heartbreaking path of grief<\/em>. Wisdom Publications.<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"eq-lastrev\" style=\"margin:34px 0 0;font-family:&quot;Work Sans&quot;,sans-serif;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.15em;text-transform:uppercase;line-height:1.5;color:#6b6259\">Last reviewed October 2026<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<style>.eqp{--rc-accent:#517142;--rc-band:#f0f5ed;--rc-hover:#e5ede0;--rc-bg:#faf6f0}.eqp .eq-rc-btn{display:none}.eqp .eq-rc{position:relative}.eqp .eq-rc li[hidden]{display:block;margin:0;padding:0;height:0;line-height:0;font-size:0}.eqp .eq-rc li.rc-off{display:none}.eqp .eq-rc.is-collapsed::after{content:\"\";position:absolute;left:0;right:0;bottom:0;height:76px;background:linear-gradient(to bottom,transparent,var(--rc-bg) 94%);pointer-events:none}.eqp .eq-rc ~ .eq-rc-btn{display:inline-flex;align-items:center;justify-content:center;gap:8px;box-sizing:border-box;min-width:260px;min-height:48px;margin:22px 0 0;padding:12px 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input[type=range]::-webkit-slider-thumb{-webkit-appearance:none;appearance:none;width:24px;height:24px;margin-top:-9px;border:0;border-radius:50%;background:var(--ac);box-shadow:0 1px 4px rgba(62,87,51,0.25)}\n.eqp input[type=range]::-moz-range-track{height:6px;border-radius:999px;background:var(--tt)}\n.eqp input[type=range]::-moz-range-progress{height:6px;border-radius:999px;background:var(--ac)}\n.eqp input[type=range]::-moz-range-thumb{width:24px;height:24px;border:0;border-radius:50%;background:var(--ac)}\n<\/style>\n<script>(function(){\nvar raf=window.requestAnimationFrame||function(f){return window.setTimeout(f,16);};\nvar queued=false;\nfunction paint(){\nqueued=false;\nvar l=document.querySelectorAll(\".eqp input[type=range]\"),i,r,mn,mx;\nfor(i=0;i< l.length;i+=1){\nr=l[i];\nmn=parseFloat(r.min);if(isNaN(mn)){mn=0;}\nmx=parseFloat(r.max);if(isNaN(mx)){mx=100;}\nr.style.setProperty(\"--p\",(mx>mn?(parseFloat(r.value)-mn)*100\/(mx-mn):0)+\"%\");\n}\n}\nfunction soon(){if(!queued){queued=true;raf(paint);}}\nvar ev=[\"input\",\"change\",\"click\",\"keyup\"],k;\nfor(k=0;k< ev.length;k+=1){document.addEventListener(ev[k],soon,true);}\nwindow.addEventListener(\"load\",soon);\npaint();\n})();<\/script>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-32086477 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"border-left-color:#5f844d;border-left-width:4px;border-left-style:solid;border-radius:0px;margin-top:8px;margin-bottom:56px;padding:4px 0px 4px 28px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#6b6259;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.227), 16px);line-height:1.7\"><strong style=\"color:#3e5733\">This article is general information, not medical advice.<\/strong> It describes what research has found about grief, and nothing in it can tell you what is right for you. If grief is weighing heavily on your life, that deserves proper support rather than an article. Psychological support is intended to work alongside appropriate medical care, never to replace it.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:44px\"><a class=\"ra-next\" href=\"\/self-compassion\/\"><span class=\"eyb\">Read next<\/span><span class=\"ti\">Why Is It So Hard to Be Kind to Yourself?<\/span><span class=\"wy\">Grief often comes with guilt and a harsh inner voice. This one is about why kindness toward yourself is so hard, and how to practice it.<\/span><\/a><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"2560\" height=\"1708\" src=\"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/mid-shot-woman-therapist-taking-notes-clipboard-scaled.jpg\" alt=\"A therapist taking notes on a clipboard during a session\" class=\"wp-image-230\" style=\"width:100%;height:340px;object-fit:cover;object-position:center 40%;border-radius:22px 22px 0 0;display:block\" srcset=\"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/mid-shot-woman-therapist-taking-notes-clipboard-scaled.jpg 2560w, https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/mid-shot-woman-therapist-taking-notes-clipboard-300x200.jpg 300w, https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/mid-shot-woman-therapist-taking-notes-clipboard-1024x683.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/mid-shot-woman-therapist-taking-notes-clipboard-768x512.jpg 768w, https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/mid-shot-woman-therapist-taking-notes-clipboard-1536x1025.jpg 1536w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 2560px) 100vw, 2560px\" \/><\/div>\n<div hidden data-eq-related=\"3144,2503,2661\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-background eq-ondark has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-f761ea3b wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"background-color:#4f6a44;border-radius:0px 0px 22px 22px;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:80px;padding:52px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#e4ebe0;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:14px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">WORKING WITH THIS<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"when-grief-feels-too-heavy-to-carry-alone\" style=\"color:#ffffff;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">When grief feels too heavy to carry alone<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#ffffff;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:30px;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.455), 18px);line-height:1.7\">You don\u2019t have to be in crisis, and you don\u2019t have to have a diagnosis, to want some company in it. Therapy is a place to talk about what you\u2019ve lost, the parts of grief that feel stuck and the life that is still going on around it, at your own pace, alongside whatever medical care you need.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-buttons is-layout-flex wp-block-buttons-is-layout-flex\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-button\"><a class=\"wp-block-button__link has-text-color has-background has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-element-button\" href=\"\/individual-session\/\" style=\"border-radius:9px;color:#2e2a28;background-color:#faf6f0;padding:15px 30px;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.284), 16.5px);font-weight:700\">Book a session<\/a><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-button footer_b\"><a class=\"wp-block-button__link has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-element-button\" href=\"\/contact\/\" style=\"border-color:#ced9c9;border-width:1.5px;border-style:solid;border-radius:9px;color:#ffffff;padding:15px 30px;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.284), 16.5px);font-weight:600\">Get in touch<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What grief is and the losses people don&#8217;t always count, grieving what could have been, what grief does to your body, sleep and memory, what the five stages got wrong, how grief usually unfolds over time, how to get through the days, and how to be there for someone who is grieving<\/p>","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":3366,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"iawp_total_views":214,"footnotes":""},"categories":[15,16,18],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3350","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-body-and-mind","category-deep-dive","category-too-afraid-to-ask"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3350","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3350"}],"version-history":[{"count":20,"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3350\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4812,"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3350\/revisions\/4812"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3366"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3350"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3350"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3350"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}