{"id":3289,"date":"2025-02-25T10:00:00","date_gmt":"2025-02-25T09:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/psychology-of-shame\/"},"modified":"2026-11-02T15:03:47","modified_gmt":"2026-11-02T14:03:47","slug":"psychology-of-shame","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/psychology-of-shame\/","title":{"rendered":"The Psychology of Shame"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<style>\n\/* The accent is a light-background device. 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aria-hidden=\"true\"><i><\/i><\/div><nav id=\"eqp-parts\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><a href=\"#part-1\" data-i=\"1\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"dot\"><\/span><span class=\"lbl\">Shame, guilt and their neighbors<\/span><\/a><a href=\"#part-2\" data-i=\"2\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"dot\"><\/span><span class=\"lbl\">The urge to hide<\/span><\/a><a href=\"#part-3\" data-i=\"3\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"dot\"><\/span><span class=\"lbl\">The urge to fix yourself<\/span><\/a><a href=\"#part-4\" data-i=\"4\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"dot\"><\/span><span class=\"lbl\">Doing exactly what you don&#8217;t want to do<\/span><\/a><a href=\"#part-5\" data-i=\"5\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"dot\"><\/span><span class=\"lbl\">Shame and your mental health<\/span><\/a><a href=\"#part-6\" data-i=\"6\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"dot\"><\/span><span class=\"lbl\">Where shame is learned<\/span><\/a><a href=\"#part-7\" data-i=\"7\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"dot\"><\/span><span 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ask(){\nif(busy){return;}\nbusy=true;\nif(window.requestAnimationFrame){window.requestAnimationFrame(sync);}\nelse{window.setTimeout(sync,50);}\n}\nwindow.addEventListener(\"scroll\",ask,{passive:true});\nwindow.addEventListener(\"resize\",ask);\nwindow.addEventListener(\"orientationchange\",ask);\nwindow.addEventListener(\"load\",ask);\ndocument.addEventListener(\"focusin\",function(e){typing=field(e.target);ask();});\ndocument.addEventListener(\"focusout\",function(){typing=false;ask();});\nif(MQ){\nif(MQ.addEventListener){MQ.addEventListener(\"change\",ask);}\nelse if(MQ.addListener){MQ.addListener(ask);}\n}\nask();\n})();\/*>*\/<\/script>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group alignfull eqp has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-69fa9525 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;padding:0px 22px\">\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n<div style=\"color:#6b6259;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.455), 18px);font-style:normal;font-weight:400;margin-top:54px;margin-bottom:0\" class=\"has-link-color wp-elements-1 wp-block-post-date has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\"><time datetime=\"2025-02-25T10:00:00+01:00\">25 velja\u010de, 2025<\/time><\/div>\n\n<div style=\"color:#6b6259;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.455), 18px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;text-transform:uppercase;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0\" class=\"taxonomy-category has-link-color wp-elements-2 wp-block-post-terms has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\"><a href=\"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/category\/body-and-mind\/\" rel=\"tag\">Body and Mind<\/a><span class=\"wp-block-post-terms__separator\">, <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/category\/deep-dive\/\" rel=\"tag\">Deep Dive<\/a><span class=\"wp-block-post-terms__separator\">, <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/category\/relationship\/\" rel=\"tag\">Relationships<\/a><\/div>\n\n\n<h1 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-playfair-display-font-family\" id=\"top\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:24px;margin-bottom:10px;font-size:clamp(26.944px, 1.684rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 2.165), 46px);font-style:normal;font-weight:800;line-height:1.12\">The Psychology of Shame<\/h1>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family eq-subtitle wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:20px;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.114), 15px);font-weight:600;letter-spacing:.14em;line-height:1.5\">Why shame makes us want to hide, fix ourselves &amp; sometimes do exactly what we don\u2019t want to do<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#524a42;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:22px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.55\">What shame is and how it differs from guilt, why it makes us want to hide, why it can push us to fix ourselves and when that goes too far, why it sometimes leads us to do exactly what we don&#8217;t want to do, what it has to do with our mental health, where we learn it, and what actually helps<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"eq-credit\" style=\"--eq-credit-ac:#2f4a66\">Written by <a href=\"\/our-team-ivana\/\" rel=\"author\">Ivana<\/a>, psychologist and psychotherapist<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#6b6259;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.114), 15px);line-height:1.5\"><strong style=\"color:#2f4a66\">23 minute read<\/strong> &nbsp;&middot;&nbsp; 5,085 words<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<!-- eq-post-top -->\n<div class=\"pt-on\" hidden data-src=\"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/10\/psychology-of-shame-post-top.jpg\" data-w=\"355\" data-aspect=\"1.142\" data-side=\"right\" data-bleed=\"\"><\/div>\n<script>\n\/* Post tops: turns the post's masthead group into the cream band and adds the\n   drawing beside the words. 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Anything the page adds to the\n   masthead after this point is moved out below the band once the page has loaded.\n   The post's settings ride on the .pt-on marker, which the site CSS also keys on. *\/\n(function () {\n  function run() {\n    var cfg = document.querySelector('.pt-on');\n    var mh = document.querySelector('.eqp > .wp-block-group');\n    if (!cfg || !mh || mh.classList.contains('pt-band')) return !!mh;\n    var d = cfg.dataset, aspect = +d.aspect;\n    \/\/ Some posts run the story on inside the masthead group: stop at the drop-cap paragraph.\n    var words = document.createElement('div');\n    words.className = 'pt-words';\n    while (mh.firstElementChild && !mh.firstElementChild.matches('.eq-drop')) words.appendChild(mh.firstElementChild);\n    var rest = document.createDocumentFragment();\n    while (mh.firstElementChild) rest.appendChild(mh.firstElementChild);\n    mh.appendChild(words);\n    if (rest.childNodes.length) mh.parentNode.insertBefore(rest, mh.nextSibling);\n    var fig = document.createElement('figure');\n    fig.className = 'pt-art';\n    \/\/ Width and height reserve the drawing's space, so the band never grows when it arrives.\n    fig.innerHTML = '<img alt=\"\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1000\" height=\"' + Math.round(1000 * aspect) + '\" src=\"' + d.src + '\">';\n    mh.appendChild(fig);\n    mh.classList.add('pt-band', 'pt-' + d.side);\n    (d.bleed || '').split('').forEach(function (e) { mh.classList.add('pt-b' + e); });\n    var hdr = document.querySelector('.wp-site-blocks > header .is-style-header-fixed');\n    function fit() {\n      \/\/ The header lies over the top of the page down to tablet width: clear it.\n      mh.style.setProperty('--pt-hh', hdr && getComputedStyle(hdr).position === 'absolute' ? hdr.offsetHeight + 'px' : '0px');\n      mh.style.setProperty('--pt-lift', '0px');\n      if (getComputedStyle(fig).display === 'none') return;\n      \/\/ At least 70% as tall as the words, at most 44% of the band; centred when the words are much taller.\n      var cs = getComputedStyle(mh), room = mh.clientWidth - parseFloat(cs.paddingLeft) - parseFloat(cs.paddingRight), w = +d.w;\n      for (var i = 0; i < 2; i++) {\n        w = Math.min(Math.max(+d.w, 0.7 * words.offsetHeight \/ aspect), room * 0.44);\n        mh.style.setProperty('--pt-w', Math.round(w) + 'px');\n      }\n      mh.classList.toggle('pt-mid', words.offsetHeight > 1.5 * w * aspect);\n      \/\/ Optical centre: of the cream left beside the words, 40% goes above and 60% below.\n      var slack = mh.clientHeight - parseFloat(cs.paddingTop) - parseFloat(cs.paddingBottom) - words.offsetHeight;\n      mh.style.setProperty('--pt-lift', Math.max(0, Math.round(slack * 0.1)) + 'px');\n    }\n    fit();\n    addEventListener('resize', fit);\n    \/\/ The text grows when the site's fonts arrive: measure again then.\n    if (document.fonts) document.fonts.ready.then(fit);\n    addEventListener('load', fit);\n    function tidy() {\n      var after = document.createDocumentFragment();\n      while (fig.nextSibling) after.appendChild(fig.nextSibling);\n      mh.parentNode.insertBefore(after, mh.nextSibling);\n      \/\/ The part dots sit at the left edge, over a drawing there: they fade in once the band is behind them.\n      var rail = document.getElementById('eqp-parts');\n      if (!rail) return;\n      function dots() { rail.classList.toggle('pt-hide', mh.getBoundingClientRect().bottom > rail.getBoundingClientRect().top); }\n      addEventListener('scroll', dots, { passive: true });\n      addEventListener('resize', dots);\n      dots();\n    }\n    if (document.readyState === 'loading') document.addEventListener('DOMContentLoaded', tidy); else tidy();\n    return true;\n  }\n  if (!run()) document.addEventListener('DOMContentLoaded', run);\n})();\n<\/script>\n<!-- \/eq-post-top -->\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family eq-drop wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#35302a;margin-top:46px;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.642px, 0.915rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.836), 22px);line-height:1.62\">You send a message in the group chat and nobody answers. You notice a typo in an email you&#8217;ve already sent to your boss (ughhhh). Someone at dinner asks a simple question, you realize you have no idea, and your face goes hot. For a second it doesn&#8217;t feel like a small slip. It feels like everyone can suddenly see something about you that you&#8217;d rather they didn&#8217;t.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">That feeling is shame. It&#8217;s one of the most common emotions there is and one of the least talked about, partly because talking about it can feel shameful too. It can also sit behind a lot of things that don&#8217;t look like shame from the outside: going quiet, overworking, snapping at someone you love, or putting off the one thing you most need to do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">If you recognize yourself anywhere in what follows, nothing is wrong with you!<\/strong> Every culture researchers have tested so far has this feeling, and it seems to exist for a reason.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-background has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-83938ec0 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"background-color:#f1f5f9;border-color:#d6e0ea;border-width:1.5px;border-style:solid;border-radius:20px;margin-top:40px;margin-bottom:0;padding:34px 38px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#22384f;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:12px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">THE SHORT VERSION<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px\"><div class=\"sh-sv\"><ul class=\"rows\"><li><span class=\"d\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><p><strong>Guilt is about what you did, shame is about who you are<\/strong>, and guilt is the one that more often leads to putting things right.<\/p><\/li><li><span class=\"d\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><p>Shame works like a social alarm. <strong>It goes off when you might be judged<\/strong>, even when you did nothing wrong, and it often makes you want to hide.<\/p><\/li><li><span class=\"d\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><p>Shame can push you to repair things, but <strong>mainly when the damage feels fixable<\/strong>. Aim at what happened, not at who you are.<\/p><\/li><li><span class=\"d\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><p>It can send you in four directions: withdrawing, attacking yourself, avoiding or attacking others. <strong>Each can protect you for a moment<\/strong>, and the clearest harm comes when shame turns into blame.<\/p><\/li><li><span class=\"d\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><p>Shame is <strong>more closely tied to depression and anxiety than guilt is<\/strong>, though nobody knows yet how much it causes them.<\/p><\/li><li><span class=\"d\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><p>Children learn it partly from how we react, so <strong>talk about what a child did, not who they are<\/strong>.<\/p><\/li><li><span class=\"d\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><\/span><p><strong>Name it, repair what you can and tell one safe person<\/strong>, and talk to yourself the way you\u2019d talk to a friend.<\/p><\/li><\/ul><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-background has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-4ccedd2e wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"border-color:#e8e1d5;border-width:1.5px;border-style:solid;border-radius:22px;background-color:#faf8f3;margin-top:56px;margin-bottom:20px;padding:30px 34px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#6b6259;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:22px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">WHAT THIS ARTICLE COVERS&nbsp;&middot; SEVEN&nbsp;PARTS<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-rank-math-toc-block\">\n<div class=\"eq-toc\"><details><summary><svg class=\"chev\" viewBox=\"0 0 12 12\" aria-hidden=\"true\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M4 2l4 4-4 4\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"\/><\/svg><p hidden><\/p><span class=\"num\">PART 1<\/span><a class=\"ttl\" href=\"#part-1\">Shame, guilt and their neighbors<\/a><span class=\"cnt\"><span class=\"sec\">3 sections<\/span><span class=\"sep\"> &middot; <\/span>2 min<\/span><\/summary><ul><li><a href=\"#i-did-something-bad-or-i-am-bad\">I did something bad, or I am bad<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#shame-doesnt-need-an-audience\">Shame doesn&#8217;t need an audience<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#embarrassment-and-humiliation\">Embarrassment and humiliation<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/details><details><summary><svg class=\"chev\" viewBox=\"0 0 12 12\" aria-hidden=\"true\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M4 2l4 4-4 4\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"\/><\/svg><p hidden><\/p><span class=\"num\">PART 2<\/span><a class=\"ttl\" href=\"#part-2\">The urge to hide<\/a><span class=\"cnt\"><span class=\"sec\">4 sections<\/span><span class=\"sep\"> &middot; <\/span>3 min<\/span><\/summary><ul><li><a href=\"#the-alarm-that-goes-off\">The alarm that goes off<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#you-dont-have-to-have-done-anything-wrong\">You don&#8217;t have to have done anything wrong<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#what-it-does-to-your-body\">What it does to your body<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#the-2am-replay\">The 2am replay<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/details><details><summary><svg class=\"chev\" viewBox=\"0 0 12 12\" aria-hidden=\"true\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M4 2l4 4-4 4\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"\/><\/svg><p hidden><\/p><span class=\"num\">PART 3<\/span><a class=\"ttl\" href=\"#part-3\">The urge to fix yourself<\/a><span class=\"cnt\"><span class=\"sec\">4 sections<\/span><span class=\"sep\"> &middot; <\/span>3 min<\/span><\/summary><ul><li><a href=\"#shame-can-push-you-forward\">Shame can push you forward<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#fixing-what-happened-or-fixing-who-you-are\">Fixing what happened, or fixing who you are<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#the-perfectionist-and-the-inner-critic\">The perfectionist and the inner critic<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#being-kind-to-yourself-doesnt-make-you-lazy\">Being kind to yourself doesn&#8217;t make you lazy<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/details><details><summary><svg class=\"chev\" viewBox=\"0 0 12 12\" aria-hidden=\"true\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M4 2l4 4-4 4\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"\/><\/svg><p hidden><\/p><span class=\"num\">PART 4<\/span><a class=\"ttl\" href=\"#part-4\">Doing exactly what you don&#8217;t want to do<\/a><span class=\"cnt\"><span class=\"sec\">5 sections<\/span><span class=\"sep\"> &middot; <\/span>3 min<\/span><\/summary><ul><li><a href=\"#four-directions-shame-can-send-you\">Four directions shame can send you<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#when-shame-turns-into-blame\">When shame turns into blame<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#numbing-it\">Numbing it<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#putting-it-off\">Putting it off<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#keeping-it-secret\">Keeping it secret<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/details><details><summary><svg class=\"chev\" viewBox=\"0 0 12 12\" aria-hidden=\"true\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M4 2l4 4-4 4\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"\/><\/svg><p hidden><\/p><span class=\"num\">PART 5<\/span><a class=\"ttl\" href=\"#part-5\">Shame and your mental health<\/a><span class=\"cnt\"><span class=\"sec\">3 sections<\/span><span class=\"sep\"> &middot; <\/span>2 min<\/span><\/summary><ul><li><a href=\"#what-shame-travels-with\">What shame travels with<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#linked-isnt-the-same-as-caused\">Linked isn&#8217;t the same as caused<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#the-part-you-dont-say-out-loud\">The part you don&#8217;t say out loud<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/details><details><summary><svg class=\"chev\" viewBox=\"0 0 12 12\" aria-hidden=\"true\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M4 2l4 4-4 4\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"\/><\/svg><p hidden><\/p><span class=\"num\">PART 6<\/span><a class=\"ttl\" href=\"#part-6\">Where shame is learned<\/a><span class=\"cnt\"><span class=\"sec\">3 sections<\/span><span class=\"sep\"> &middot; <\/span>3 min<\/span><\/summary><ul><li><a href=\"#what-children-learn-from-how-we-react\">What children learn from how we react<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#when-your-childs-meltdown-makes-you-ashamed\">When your child&#8217;s meltdown makes you ashamed<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#culture-sets-the-alarm-it-doesnt-invent-it\">Culture sets the alarm, it doesn&#8217;t invent it<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/details><details><summary><svg class=\"chev\" viewBox=\"0 0 12 12\" aria-hidden=\"true\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M4 2l4 4-4 4\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"\/><\/svg><p hidden><\/p><span class=\"num\">PART 7<\/span><a class=\"ttl\" href=\"#part-7\">What actually helps<\/a><span class=\"cnt\"><span class=\"sec\">8 sections<\/span><span class=\"sep\"> &middot; <\/span>4 min<\/span><\/summary><ul><li><a href=\"#name-it\">Name it<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#separate-what-you-did-from-who-you-are\">Separate what you did from who you are<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#ask-whether-it-can-be-repaired\">Ask whether it can be repaired<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#tell-one-safe-person\">Tell one safe person<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#talk-to-yourself-the-way-youd-talk-to-a-friend\">Talk to yourself the way you&#8217;d talk to a friend<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#when-someone-keeps-making-you-feel-small\">When someone keeps making you feel small<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#when-its-worth-getting-help\">When it&#8217;s worth getting help<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#it-wasnt-built-to-decide-who-you-are\">It wasn&#8217;t built to decide who you are<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/details><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:92px;margin-bottom:34px\"><div class=\"sh-ph\"><div class=\"tile\"><svg viewBox=\"12 3 40 60\" fill=\"none\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><path d=\"M19 60.5h26\" stroke=\"#eedcb9\" stroke-width=\"2\"\/><path d=\"M17.6 27.4C12.9 26.4 26.7 14.6 26.6 22.3C25 18.3 32.1 37.2 26.9 34.3C22 37.5 11.4 32.2 17.7 31.1C9.4 39.2 31.2 14.9 22.6 21.9C16.9 20.4 36.6 29.5 35.7 26.3C44.6 25.3 20.2 33.2 25.1 32.3C30.1 29.6 15.6 19.4 18.4 27.2C25.4 26.6 25.2 25.7 30 23.8C32.9 17.1 23.5 33.8 28.6 34.7\" stroke=\"#c44862\" stroke-width=\".9\"\/><path d=\"M26.6 34.7C29.1 35.9 15.6 29.9 15.4 29.3C10.2 31 21 32.4 27.6 27.7C22.1 31.3 26.7 34.9 21.7 37C28.2 34.8 16.2 23.8 18.3 25.1C12.1 27.7 33.7 30.1 29.1 32.4C31.5 27.2 22.9 36.8 20.9 37C16.5 30.3 11.1 21.9 16.6 26.4\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\".7\" opacity=\".75\"\/><path d=\"M31 40L28.5 50.5L27.5 59.5\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"4.2\"\/><path d=\"M32.5 40L34 50L35.5 59.5\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"4.2\"\/><path d=\"M25.5 60h4.5M34 60h4.5\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"2.2\"\/><path d=\"M31.6 41Q25 28 37.5 26\" stroke=\"#2f4a66\" stroke-width=\"8.5\"\/><path d=\"M37.5 26L41 33L41.5 40\" stroke=\"#22384f\" stroke-width=\"3.2\"\/><circle cx=\"43\" cy=\"27.5\" r=\"5.8\" fill=\"#fff\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"1.5\"\/><path d=\"M37.2 27.2L34 27.5M37.7 25.1L34.5 23.4M39.2 23.1L38.4 20.2\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"1\"\/><path d=\"M44.2 28.7q1.2 .9 2.4 0\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"1\"\/><path d=\"M44.2 30.9q1.4 -1 2.8 0\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"1\"\/><path d=\"M43.2 29.7l1.3-1.6M44.8 29.9l1.3-1.6\" stroke=\"#c44862\" stroke-width=\"1.1\" opacity=\"1\"\/><\/svg><\/div><p class=\"lb\">Part one of seven<\/p><h2 id=\"part-1\">Shame, guilt and their neighbors<\/h2><p class=\"sb\">Two feelings that look alike and pull you different ways<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"i-did-something-bad-or-i-am-bad\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">I did something bad, or I am bad<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Say you forget a close friend&#8217;s birthday. There are two very different thoughts you might have when you realize. One is &#8220;I forgot her birthday.&#8221; The other is &#8220;I&#8217;m a terrible friend.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">The first thought is about something you did. That&#8217;s guilt. The second is about who you are. That&#8217;s shame. Researchers have been studying this difference for more than fifty years, and it&#8217;s one of the most studied ideas in the field: <strong class=\"eqb\">guilt is about what you did, shame is about who you are<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">It matters because the two feelings send you in different directions. Guilt tends to point you toward putting things right: you call her, you say sorry, you send the card late. Shame tends to point you toward hiding, defending yourself or tearing yourself down. Same forgotten birthday, very different next step.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Most real moments have a bit of both, and neither one makes you a bad person.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"shame-doesnt-need-an-audience\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Shame doesn&#8217;t need an audience<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">A lot of people think of shame as guilt in public, the feeling of being caught. But when researchers asked people to describe real moments of shame, those moments were no more likely than moments of guilt to happen in front of others, and plenty of them happened when people were completely alone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Think of reading an old message you sent, remembering something you said years ago out of nowhere, or catching yourself in the mirror after a bad day. In the same research, people rated themselves more harshly than they thought anyone else would.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">So you can feel deeply ashamed in an empty room.<\/strong> The audience is still there. It just lives in your head.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"embarrassment-and-humiliation\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Embarrassment and humiliation<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Shame has two close neighbors, and it helps to tell them apart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Embarrassment is lighter and more social. You trip on the sidewalk, you wave at someone who was waving at the person behind you, you laugh, and it passes. The blush and the awkward smile that come with it seem to work as a small signal to others, something like &#8220;oops, I know&#8221;, and people tend to respond by going easier on you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Humiliation is shame plus a sense of unfairness.<\/strong> Someone brought you down, usually in front of others, and you feel small and powerless, and often angry too, because it feels like something that was done to you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">In short, embarrassment says &#8220;that was awkward&#8221;, shame says &#8220;something is wrong with me&#8221;, and humiliation says &#8220;you did this to me&#8221;.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:40px;margin-bottom:48px\"><figure class=\"ra-fig sh-so\" id=\"sh-so\"><div class=\"hd\"><p class=\"ti\">Shame or guilt?<\/p><p class=\"q\">Eight thoughts after a mistake. Is each one about what you did, or about who you are? Tap to sort<\/p><\/div><div class=\"grid\"><button type=\"button\" class=\"card did\" aria-expanded=\"true\"><span class=\"th\">\u201cI forgot her birthday.\u201d<\/span><span class=\"ans\"><span class=\"tg\">about what you did: guilt<\/span><span class=\"rw\">A next step: call her today.<\/span><\/span><\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"card am\" aria-expanded=\"true\"><span class=\"th\">\u201cI\u2019m a terrible friend.\u201d<\/span><span class=\"ans\"><span class=\"tg\">about who you are: shame<\/span><span class=\"rw\">Try: \u201cI forgot her birthday, and I can call her today.\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"card did\" aria-expanded=\"false\"><span class=\"th\">\u201cI snapped at my partner this morning.\u201d<\/span><span class=\"ans\"><span class=\"tg\">about what you did: guilt<\/span><span class=\"rw\">A next step: say sorry for the snapping.<\/span><\/span><\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"card am\" aria-expanded=\"false\"><span class=\"th\">\u201cI\u2019m such an idiot.\u201d<\/span><span class=\"ans\"><span class=\"tg\">about who you are: shame<\/span><span class=\"rw\">Try: \u201cI made a mistake, and here\u2019s what I can do about it.\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"card did\" aria-expanded=\"false\"><span class=\"th\">\u201cI missed the deadline.\u201d<\/span><span class=\"ans\"><span class=\"tg\">about what you did: guilt<\/span><span class=\"rw\">A next step: tell them when it will be ready.<\/span><\/span><\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"card am\" aria-expanded=\"false\"><span class=\"th\">\u201cI\u2019m lazy and I\u2019ll never change.\u201d<\/span><span class=\"ans\"><span class=\"tg\">about who you are: shame<\/span><span class=\"rw\">Try: \u201cI put this off, and I can do ten minutes of it now.\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"card did\" aria-expanded=\"false\"><span class=\"th\">\u201cI drank more than I meant to.\u201d<\/span><span class=\"ans\"><span class=\"tg\">about what you did: guilt<\/span><span class=\"rw\">A next step: decide what you\u2019ll do differently next time.<\/span><\/span><\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"card am\" aria-expanded=\"false\"><span class=\"th\">\u201cEveryone can see I don\u2019t belong here.\u201d<\/span><span class=\"ans\"><span class=\"tg\">about who you are: shame<\/span><span class=\"rw\">Try: \u201cI feel out of place right now. That\u2019s a feeling, not a verdict.\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/button><\/div><figcaption>Most real moments have a bit of both, and turning an \u201cI am\u201d thought into an \u201cI did\u201d thought gives you <b>something you can actually do<\/b>.<\/figcaption><\/figure><script>(function(){var f=document.getElementById(\"sh-so\");if(!f)return;var bs=f.querySelectorAll(\".card\");for(var i=0;i<bs.length;i++){bs[i].addEventListener(\"click\",function(){this.setAttribute(\"aria-expanded\",this.getAttribute(\"aria-expanded\")===\"true\"?\"false\":\"true\");});}})();\/*>*\/<\/script><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<style>.eqp .eq-kp{display:grid;grid-template-columns:auto minmax(0,1fr);gap:4px 16px;align-items:start;background:#eef3f8;border:0;border-left:4px solid #2f4a66;border-radius:4px 18px 18px 4px;padding:20px 26px;margin:6px 0 34px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:1\/3;width:40px;height:40px;border-radius:50%;background:#fff;color:#2f4a66;display:flex;align-items:center;justify-content:center}.eqp .eq-kp .mk svg{width:21px;height:21px}.eqp .eq-kp .k{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.16em;text-transform:uppercase;color:#2f4a66;margin:2px 0 4px}.eqp .eq-kp .t{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:clamp(15px,calc(10.6px + .72vw),19px);font-weight:500;line-height:1.55;color:#2a2622;margin:0}@media(max-width:560px){.eqp .eq-kp{grid-template-columns:minmax(0,1fr);padding:18px 20px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:auto;width:34px;height:34px}}<\/style><aside class=\"eq-kp\"><span class=\"mk\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"><path d=\"M6.5 3.5h11a1 1 0 0 1 1 1v15.6a.5.5 0 0 1-.78.42L12 16.4l-5.72 4.12a.5.5 0 0 1-.78-.42V4.5a1 1 0 0 1 1-1z\"\/><\/svg><\/span><p class=\"k\">Worth remembering<\/p><p class=\"t\">Guilt says \u201cI did something bad\u201d. Shame says \u201cI am bad\u201d. Guilt tends to lead to putting things right, and shame to hiding, defending yourself or tearing yourself down.<\/p><\/aside>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:92px;margin-bottom:34px\"><div class=\"sh-ph\"><div class=\"tile\"><svg viewBox=\"12 3 40 60\" fill=\"none\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><path d=\"M19 60.5h26\" stroke=\"#eedcb9\" stroke-width=\"2\"\/><path d=\"M19.4 26.7C15.2 25.8 27.4 15.4 27.3 22.2C25.8 18.7 32 35.3 27.5 32.7C23.2 35.5 14 30.9 19.5 29.9C12.2 37 31.3 15.8 23.7 21.9C18.7 20.6 36 28.5 35.2 25.7C43.1 24.9 21.6 31.7 25.9 31C30.3 28.6 17.6 19.7 20 26.5C26.2 26 26 25.2 30.3 23.5\" stroke=\"#c44862\" stroke-width=\".9\"\/><path d=\"M27.1 33.6C29.3 34.6 17.5 29.3 17.2 28.8C12.7 30.3 22.2 31.5 27.9 27.5C23.2 30.6 27.2 33.7 22.8 35.6C28.5 33.6 18 24 19.8 25.2C14.3 27.4 33.3 29.5 29.3 31.5C31.4 27 23.8 35.4 22.1 35.6\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\".7\" opacity=\".75\"\/><path d=\"M31 40L28.5 50.5L27.5 59.5\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"4.2\"\/><path d=\"M32.5 40L34 50L35.5 59.5\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"4.2\"\/><path d=\"M25.5 60h4.5M34 60h4.5\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"2.2\"\/><path d=\"M31.6 41Q26 28.3 36.5 25.3\" stroke=\"#2f4a66\" stroke-width=\"8.5\"\/><path d=\"M36.5 25.3L39.8 32.6L40.3 39.8\" stroke=\"#22384f\" stroke-width=\"3.2\"\/><circle cx=\"41.3\" cy=\"25.1\" r=\"5.8\" fill=\"#fff\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"1.5\"\/><path d=\"M35.5 24.2L32.3 24.1M36.2 22.2L33.2 20.2M37.9 20.3L37.4 17.4\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"1\"\/><path d=\"M42.4 26q1.2 .9 2.4 0\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"1\"\/><path d=\"M42.3 28.3q1.4 -0.6 2.8 0\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"1\"\/><path d=\"M41.5 27.3l1.3-1.6M43.1 27.5l1.3-1.6\" stroke=\"#c44862\" stroke-width=\"1.1\" opacity=\"0.8\"\/><\/svg><\/div><p class=\"lb\">Part two of seven<\/p><h2 id=\"part-2\">The urge to hide<\/h2><p class=\"sb\">Why shame feels like being seen, even when nobody is looking<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"the-alarm-that-goes-off\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">The alarm that goes off<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">You&#8217;ve been meaning to reply to a friend&#8217;s message for weeks. At first you were just busy. Now it&#8217;s been so long that replying feels awful, so you leave it a bit longer, which makes it feel worse still. If that&#8217;s happened to you, it&#8217;s one of the most ordinary things shame does.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Researchers have found that shame is closely tied to one thing in particular: how much other people would think less of us. Across very different countries, and in small communities around the world, how ashamed people expected to feel about something matched, very closely, how much others said they&#8217;d look down on someone for it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">That&#8217;s why <strong class=\"eqb\">many researchers think of shame as a kind of social alarm<\/strong>. It goes off when you might be seen as less by the people around you. The thinking is that for most of human history, being pushed out of your group was genuinely dangerous, so an alarm that says &#8220;hide, make yourself small, don&#8217;t make this any worse&#8221; made a lot of sense.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"you-dont-have-to-have-done-anything-wrong\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">You don&#8217;t have to have done anything wrong<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">In experiments, people felt shame about things that weren&#8217;t wrong at all, as long as others might judge them for it. People who were left out of a group felt ashamed even when they&#8217;d done more than their share.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">That&#8217;s why you can feel shame about things you never chose: your body, your accent, money, an illness, your family, a diagnosis, being single, being left out. The alarm responds to the chance of being judged, not to whether you actually did anything wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">So <strong class=\"eqb\">if you&#8217;ve carried shame about something that was never your fault, that shame isn&#8217;t evidence against you<\/strong>. It&#8217;s evidence that the alarm went off.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"what-it-does-to-your-body\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">What it does to your body<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Shame is a whole-body feeling. Your face gets hot, you want to look away, and your body tries to take up less room. Athletes who lose a match tend to slump their shoulders and narrow their chest, and they do it all over the world.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">In the lab, being judged is also one of the most reliable ways to set off the body&#8217;s stress response. Across more than two hundred lab studies, the stress hormone <a href=\"\/cortisol-101\/\" style=\"color:#a3384f;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1.5px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">cortisol<\/a> rose the most when people were being judged on something they couldn&#8217;t control, and it took longest to settle afterward. In small lab studies, feeling ashamed also went with short-term rises in markers of inflammation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">None of this means shame will make you ill. But it does mean <strong class=\"eqb\">the urge to curl up and disappear isn&#8217;t you being dramatic<\/strong>. It&#8217;s a body reacting to feeling judged.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:8px;margin-bottom:40px\"><aside class=\"ra-ff\"><span class=\"mk\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.6\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"><path d=\"M12 3.5l1.9 5.1 5.1 1.9-5.1 1.9L12 17.5l-1.9-5.1-5.1-1.9 5.1-1.9zM18.5 15.5l.8 2 2 .8-2 .8-.8 2-.8-2-2-.8 2-.8z\"\/><\/svg><\/span><p class=\"k\">Fun fact<\/p><p class=\"t\">Athletes who have been blind since birth, and so have never seen anyone else do it, slump their shoulders and narrow their chest after losing, just like sighted athletes. The shame posture seems to be something we\u2019re born with, not something we copy.<\/p><\/aside><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"the-2am-replay\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">The 2am replay<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">It&#8217;s late, you&#8217;re trying to sleep, and your brain decides this is the moment to replay the thing you said at a party, word for word, three times.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">In one study, people who gave a short speech in front of a judging audience kept going over it for days afterward, much more than people who gave the same speech alone. What kept them going over it was shame, not fear, anger or sadness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Replaying isn&#8217;t a sign that something is wrong with you. <strong class=\"eqb\">Feeling judged is one of the things that keeps a mind going round and round.<\/strong> Our article on <a href=\"\/overthinking\/\" style=\"color:#a3384f;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1.5px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">overthinking<\/a> has more on why that happens and what helps it settle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-background has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-bd3116f4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"background-color:#fbecef;border-radius:18px;margin-top:4px;margin-bottom:30px;padding:24px 28px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#6e2236;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:12.5px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">WHEN YOU NOTICE YOU&#8217;RE HIDING<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.568), 19px);line-height:1.7\">\n<li>Name what&#8217;s happening: &#8220;This is shame, and it&#8217;s making me want to hide.&#8221;<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Send the late reply anyway, with one honest line: &#8220;Sorry this took me so long.&#8221;<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Ask yourself who is actually judging you right now, and whether it&#8217;s them or the voice in your head.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:92px;margin-bottom:34px\"><div class=\"sh-ph\"><div class=\"tile\"><svg viewBox=\"12 3 40 60\" fill=\"none\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><path d=\"M19 60.5h26\" stroke=\"#eedcb9\" stroke-width=\"2\"\/><path d=\"M21.1 26C17.6 25.2 28 16.3 27.9 22.1C26.7 19.1 32 33.3 28.1 31.2C24.5 33.5 16.5 29.6 21.2 28.8C15 34.9 31.4 16.6 24.9 21.8C20.6 20.7 35.5 27.5 34.8 25.2C41.5 24.4 23.1 30.3 26.8 29.7C30.5 27.6 19.6 20 21.7 25.8\" stroke=\"#c44862\" stroke-width=\".9\"\/><path d=\"M27.5 32.5C29.5 33.3 19.3 28.8 19.1 28.4C15.2 29.6 23.4 30.7 28.3 27.2C24.2 29.9 27.6 32.6 23.9 34.2C28.8 32.5 19.7 24.2 21.3 25.3C16.6 27.2 32.9 29 29.4 30.7\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\".7\" opacity=\".75\"\/><path d=\"M31 40L28.5 50.5L27.5 59.5\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"4.2\"\/><path d=\"M32.5 40L34 50L35.5 59.5\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"4.2\"\/><path d=\"M25.5 60h4.5M34 60h4.5\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"2.2\"\/><path d=\"M31.6 41Q27 28.7 35.5 24.5\" stroke=\"#2f4a66\" stroke-width=\"8.5\"\/><path d=\"M35.5 24.5L38.5 32.2L39 39.5\" stroke=\"#22384f\" stroke-width=\"3.2\"\/><circle cx=\"39.5\" cy=\"22.7\" r=\"5.8\" fill=\"#fff\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"1.5\"\/><path d=\"M33.9 21.2L30.6 20.8M34.8 19.3L32 17M36.7 17.6L36.5 14.6\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"1\"\/><path d=\"M40.6 23.3q1.2 .9 2.4 0\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"1\"\/><path d=\"M40.4 25.7q1.4 -0.3 2.8 0\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"1\"\/><path d=\"M39.7 24.9l1.3-1.6M41.3 25.1l1.3-1.6\" stroke=\"#c44862\" stroke-width=\"1.1\" opacity=\"0.7\"\/><\/svg><\/div><p class=\"lb\">Part three of seven<\/p><h2 id=\"part-3\">The urge to fix yourself<\/h2><p class=\"sb\">When shame pushes you to change, and when it pushes too hard<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"shame-can-push-you-forward\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Shame can push you forward<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Shame doesn&#8217;t only make us hide. Sometimes it does the opposite. You get a difficult performance review, and by midnight you&#8217;ve signed up for three online courses. Someone tells you that you came across as rude, and you decide to become a completely different person by Monday.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">A large review of the research found that <strong class=\"eqb\">shame can push people toward repair, apology and self-improvement, but mainly when the damage feels fixable<\/strong>. When it doesn&#8217;t feel fixable, the same shame pulls people away and makes them want to hide.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">So the question shame is asking is &#8220;can this be fixed?&#8221; If the answer feels like yes, shame can push you forward. If it feels like no, it pulls you back.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:40px;margin-bottom:48px\"><figure class=\"ra-fig sh-re\" id=\"sh-re\" data-s=\"yes\"><div class=\"hd\"><p class=\"ti\">Can it be fixed?<\/p><p class=\"q\">Think of something you feel ashamed of. Does the damage feel fixable?<\/p><\/div><div class=\"seg\" role=\"group\" aria-label=\"Does it feel fixable?\"><button type=\"button\" data-s=\"yes\" aria-pressed=\"true\">yes<\/button><button type=\"button\" data-s=\"no\" aria-pressed=\"false\">no<\/button><\/div><div class=\"track\"><div class=\"side bk off\"><p class=\"dir\">\u2190 pulls back<\/p><ul><li>hide<\/li><li>withdraw<\/li><li>give up<\/li><\/ul><\/div><div class=\"mid\" aria-hidden=\"true\">shame<\/div><div class=\"side fw on\"><p class=\"dir\">pushes forward \u2192<\/p><ul><li>apologize<\/li><li>repair it<\/li><li>do better next time<\/li><\/ul><\/div><\/div><p class=\"res\" id=\"sh-re-res\" aria-live=\"polite\">When the damage feels fixable, shame tends to <b>push you forward<\/b>: toward an apology, a repair, or doing it differently next time.<\/p><figcaption>Shame tends to push you forward <b>when the damage feels fixable<\/b>, and pull you back when it doesn\u2019t. Finding one small, doable step may help it feel more fixable.<\/figcaption><\/figure><script>(function(){var T={yes:\"When the damage feels fixable, shame tends to <b>push you forward<\/b>: toward an apology, a repair, or doing it differently next time.\",no:\"When it doesn\u2019t feel fixable, the very same shame tends to <b>pull you back<\/b>: toward hiding, avoiding the person, or giving up.\"};var f=document.getElementById(\"sh-re\");if(!f)return;var r=document.getElementById(\"sh-re-res\");var fw=f.querySelector(\".fw\"),bk=f.querySelector(\".bk\");var bs=f.querySelectorAll(\".seg button\");for(var i=0;i<bs.length;i++){bs[i].addEventListener(\"click\",function(){var s=this.getAttribute(\"data-s\");for(var j=0;j<bs.length;j++){bs[j].setAttribute(\"aria-pressed\",bs[j]===this?\"true\":\"false\");}r.innerHTML=T[s];f.setAttribute(\"data-s\",s);fw.className=\"side fw \"+(s===\"yes\"?\"on\":\"off\");bk.className=\"side bk \"+(s===\"no\"?\"on\":\"off\");});}})();\/*>*\/<\/script><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"fixing-what-happened-or-fixing-who-you-are\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Fixing what happened, or fixing who you are<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">There&#8217;s a catch, though. When people remember real moments of shame, it&#8217;s shame, more than guilt or regret, that goes with wanting to change who they are. Regret goes more with wanting to undo or repair the specific thing that went wrong.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Those are very different projects. &#8220;I&#8217;ll apologize to Sam and check my tone in the next meeting&#8221; has an end point. &#8220;I need to become a better person&#8221; doesn&#8217;t, and it&#8217;s so big and so vague that it&#8217;s very easy to give up on, which then feels like one more failure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Fixing what happened is something you can actually finish.<\/strong> Fixing who you are never is.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"the-perfectionist-and-the-inner-critic\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">The perfectionist and the inner critic<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Maybe you rewrite an email eight times so there&#8217;s nothing anyone could possibly criticize, or feel like you have to earn a rest. If this sounds like you, shame may be doing some of the driving.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">In one small study, people who held themselves to very high standards felt more shame after failing. But the ones who did worst were those who believed other people&#8217;s approval depended on them being perfect. People who aimed high without that fear felt proud of their successes and less ashamed of their failures.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Researchers also describe two kinds of self-criticism. One says &#8220;I&#8217;m not good enough.&#8221; The other says &#8220;I can&#8217;t stand myself&#8221;, and it&#8217;s the harsher, more harmful one. People who could also reassure themselves were less caught up in it. So <strong class=\"eqb\">talking to yourself in a voice you&#8217;d never use with a friend can feel like motivation, but it&#8217;s often shame dressed up as motivation<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"being-kind-to-yourself-doesnt-make-you-lazy\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Being kind to yourself doesn&#8217;t make you lazy<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">A lot of people worry that if they stop being hard on themselves, they&#8217;ll stop trying altogether. The research points the other way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">In a set of experiments, people who were encouraged to be kind to themselves after failing a test went on to study longer for a retest than people who weren&#8217;t. After thinking about something they regretted, they were more motivated to make amends and not do it again. These were small studies, so they&#8217;re a strong hint rather than proof. But in them, <strong class=\"eqb\">kindness after a mistake made people try harder, not less<\/strong> (take that, inner critic). Our article on <a href=\"\/self-compassion\/\" style=\"color:#a3384f;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1.5px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">self-compassion<\/a> goes further into why being kind to yourself can feel so hard.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<style>.eqp .eq-kp{display:grid;grid-template-columns:auto minmax(0,1fr);gap:4px 16px;align-items:start;background:#eef3f8;border:0;border-left:4px solid #2f4a66;border-radius:4px 18px 18px 4px;padding:20px 26px;margin:6px 0 34px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:1\/3;width:40px;height:40px;border-radius:50%;background:#fff;color:#2f4a66;display:flex;align-items:center;justify-content:center}.eqp .eq-kp .mk svg{width:21px;height:21px}.eqp .eq-kp .k{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.16em;text-transform:uppercase;color:#2f4a66;margin:2px 0 4px}.eqp .eq-kp .t{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:clamp(15px,calc(10.6px + .72vw),19px);font-weight:500;line-height:1.55;color:#2a2622;margin:0}@media(max-width:560px){.eqp .eq-kp{grid-template-columns:minmax(0,1fr);padding:18px 20px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:auto;width:34px;height:34px}}<\/style><aside class=\"eq-kp\"><span class=\"mk\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"><path d=\"M6.5 3.5h11a1 1 0 0 1 1 1v15.6a.5.5 0 0 1-.78.42L12 16.4l-5.72 4.12a.5.5 0 0 1-.78-.42V4.5a1 1 0 0 1 1-1z\"\/><\/svg><\/span><p class=\"k\">Worth noting<\/p><p class=\"t\">Shame pushes people to repair things mainly when the damage feels fixable. Aim at fixing what happened, not who you are, and be kind to yourself while you do it.<\/p><\/aside>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:92px;margin-bottom:34px\"><div class=\"sh-ph\"><div class=\"tile\"><svg viewBox=\"12 3 40 60\" fill=\"none\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><path d=\"M19 60.5h26\" stroke=\"#eedcb9\" stroke-width=\"2\"\/><path d=\"M22.9 25.3C19.9 24.6 28.7 17.2 28.6 22C27.5 19.5 32 31.4 28.8 29.6C25.7 31.6 19 28.3 23 27.6C17.8 32.7 31.5 17.4 26 21.8C22.4 20.9 34.9 26.6 34.3 24.6C39.9 23.9 24.5 28.9 27.6 28.3\" stroke=\"#c44862\" stroke-width=\".9\"\/><path d=\"M28 31.4C29.6 32.1 21.1 28.3 20.9 27.9C17.7 29 24.5 29.9 28.6 26.9C25.2 29.2 28.1 31.5 24.9 32.8C29 31.4 21.5 24.4 22.8 25.3C18.8 26.9 32.5 28.4 29.6 29.9\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\".7\" opacity=\".75\"\/><path d=\"M31 40L28.5 50.5L27.5 59.5\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"4.2\"\/><path d=\"M32.5 40L34 50L35.5 59.5\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"4.2\"\/><path d=\"M25.5 60h4.5M34 60h4.5\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"2.2\"\/><path d=\"M31.6 41Q28 29 34.5 23.8\" stroke=\"#2f4a66\" stroke-width=\"8.5\"\/><path d=\"M34.5 23.8L37.3 31.8L37.8 39.3\" stroke=\"#22384f\" stroke-width=\"3.2\"\/><circle cx=\"37.8\" cy=\"20.3\" r=\"5.8\" fill=\"#fff\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"1.5\"\/><path d=\"M32.3 18.2L29.1 17.5M33.4 16.4L30.9 13.8M35.4 14.9L35.5 11.9\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"1\"\/><circle cx=\"40\" cy=\"20.6\" r=\".85\" fill=\"#2a2622\"\/><path d=\"M38.5 23.2q1.4 0.1 2.8 0\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"1\"\/><path d=\"M38 22.5l1.3-1.6M39.6 22.7l1.3-1.6\" stroke=\"#c44862\" stroke-width=\"1.1\" opacity=\"0.5\"\/><\/svg><\/div><p class=\"lb\">Part four of seven<\/p><h2 id=\"part-4\">Doing exactly what you don&#8217;t want to do<\/h2><p class=\"sb\">What the ways we escape shame can cost<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"four-directions-shame-can-send-you\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Four directions shame can send you<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">A psychiatrist called Donald Nathanson noticed that when shame hits, people tend to go in one of four directions. He called it the <em class=\"eqi\">compass of shame<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Some people <strong class=\"eqb\">withdraw<\/strong>: they go quiet, cancel plans and hide. Some <strong class=\"eqb\">attack themselves<\/strong>: they put themselves down before anyone else can. Some <strong class=\"eqb\">avoid<\/strong>: they distract themselves, make a joke, numb the feeling or act as if nothing happened. And some <strong class=\"eqb\">attack others<\/strong>: they get angry, blame or put someone else down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Later, researchers turned his idea into a questionnaire and found that these four really do come out as separate patterns, and that people tend to use the same ones from one situation to the next. Many of us lean on one direction more than the others, and it probably made sense at some point. Nathanson saw <strong class=\"eqb\">all four as ways of protecting yourself from the feeling for a moment<\/strong>, and the rest of this part looks at what some of them can cost.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:40px;margin-bottom:48px\"><figure class=\"ra-fig sh-co\" id=\"sh-co\"><div class=\"hd\"><p class=\"ti\">The compass of shame<\/p><p class=\"q\">Four directions shame can send you. Which one do you reach for? Tap a direction<\/p><\/div><div class=\"cross\" role=\"group\" aria-label=\"Four directions\"><button type=\"button\" class=\"dirb n\" data-i=\"0\" aria-pressed=\"true\"><span class=\"ar\" aria-hidden=\"true\">\u2191<\/span><span>withdraw<\/span><\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"dirb w\" data-i=\"1\" aria-pressed=\"false\"><span class=\"ar\" aria-hidden=\"true\">\u2190<\/span><span>attack yourself<\/span><\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"dirb e\" data-i=\"2\" aria-pressed=\"false\"><span class=\"ar\" aria-hidden=\"true\">\u2192<\/span><span>avoid<\/span><\/button><button type=\"button\" class=\"dirb s\" data-i=\"3\" aria-pressed=\"false\"><span class=\"ar\" aria-hidden=\"true\">\u2193<\/span><span>attack others<\/span><\/button><div class=\"c\" aria-hidden=\"true\">shame<\/div><\/div><div class=\"card\" id=\"sh-co-card\" aria-live=\"polite\"><dl><div><dt>What it looks like<\/dt><dd>Going quiet, canceling plans, leaving messages unanswered.<\/dd><\/div><div><dt>What it protects you from<\/dt><dd>Being seen while you feel exposed.<\/dd><\/div><div><dt>What it costs<\/dt><dd>The people who could help you feel less alone.<\/dd><\/div><div class=\"try\"><dt>One thing to try<\/dt><dd>Send one short, honest message to one person.<\/dd><\/div><\/dl><\/div><figcaption>People tend to reach for the same directions again and again, and <b>knowing yours makes it easier to catch<\/b>.<\/figcaption><\/figure><script>(function(){var D=[[\"Going quiet, canceling plans, leaving messages unanswered.\",\"Being seen while you feel exposed.\",\"The people who could help you feel less alone.\",\"Send one short, honest message to one person.\"],[\"Putting yourself down before anyone else can: \u201cI\u2019m so stupid.\u201d\",\"The sting of someone else criticizing you first.\",\"It feeds the belief that something is wrong with you.\",\"Say what you did, not what you are.\"],[\"Joking it off, staying busy, a drink, acting as if nothing happened.\",\"Having to feel the shame at all.\",\"The problem stays, and so does the feeling, just further down.\",\"Name it, even quietly: \u201cThis is shame.\u201d\"],[\"Snapping, blaming, pointing out what someone else did wrong.\",\"Feeling small, by making someone else smaller.\",\"Your relationships. When shame turns into blame, that\u2019s where most of the damage comes from.\",\"Take a long, slow breath out before you answer.\"]];var f=document.getElementById(\"sh-co\");if(!f)return;var dd=document.getElementById(\"sh-co-card\").querySelectorAll(\"dd\");var bs=f.querySelectorAll(\".dirb\");for(var i=0;i<bs.length;i++){bs[i].addEventListener(\"click\",function(){var n=+this.getAttribute(\"data-i\");for(var j=0;j<bs.length;j++){bs[j].setAttribute(\"aria-pressed\",j===n?\"true\":\"false\");}for(var k=0;k<dd.length;k++){dd[k].textContent=D[n][k];}});}})();\/*>*\/<\/script><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"when-shame-turns-into-blame\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">When shame turns into blame<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Your partner gently points out that you forgot to pay the bill, and before you know it you&#8217;re snapping at them about something they forgot last month.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">People who are prone to shame are more likely to feel angry, resentful and suspicious, and to blame others. Guilt, once you separate it from shame, goes the other way. When researchers looked more closely, shame on its own wasn&#8217;t linked with aggression. The link ran through blame.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">A study of several hundred people leaving jail showed the same thing. Shame only went with reoffending when it turned into blaming others. So if you find yourself snapping when you feel ashamed, you&#8217;re not a monster, and <strong class=\"eqb\">the damage mostly comes when shame turns into blame<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"numbing-it\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Numbing it<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">You drank more than you meant to last weekend, you feel awful about it, and so you have a drink to stop feeling awful about it. People who are prone to shame are more likely to drink to cope with anxiety and low mood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">In one small study, people who had recently stopped drinking talked about their last drink, and researchers watched their body language. Those who looked the most ashamed were more likely to start drinking again in the months that followed. That&#8217;s one small study, not a prediction about you. If you&#8217;ve gone back to drinking after a break, it&#8217;s a reason for more support, not more shame.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">The bigger picture is more mixed. Across dozens of studies, shame had no clear link with how much people drank or used drugs, and only a small link with how many problems it caused them. So <strong class=\"eqb\">these studies don&#8217;t back the old idea that feeling ashamed of using is what helps people stop<\/strong>. A habit like this is often doing a job for you, like quieting a feeling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"putting-it-off\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Putting it off<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">You have an assignment due, so you put it off. Then you feel ashamed about putting it off, so you avoid thinking about it, which means putting it off some more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Putting things off goes with shame more than with guilt, partly because shame keeps you feeling bad and going over it in your head. One study makes the practical point well: students who forgave themselves for procrastinating before their first exam procrastinated less before the next one.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Forgiving yourself for putting something off can make it easier to start the next time.<\/strong> If starting is the hard part, try giving it just ten minutes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"keeping-it-secret\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Keeping it secret<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">You stop opening the banking app because you&#8217;re ashamed of what&#8217;s in there, and so you miss the bill, which gives you something new to be ashamed of.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Studies of thousands of secrets found that the hardest part of keeping one isn&#8217;t hiding it in conversation. It&#8217;s how often your mind wanders back to it all on its own. And <strong class=\"eqb\">the secrets people feel ashamed of are the ones their minds wander back to most<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">This may be how a small moment turns into months of avoiding something. Therapists have described this kind of loop for decades, and it&#8217;s often called a shame spiral: you feel ashamed, then ashamed of feeling ashamed, then hide from the whole thing. Nobody has measured it as one single process, but several pieces of it fit what the studies above found.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<style>.eqp .eq-kp{display:grid;grid-template-columns:auto minmax(0,1fr);gap:4px 16px;align-items:start;background:#eef3f8;border:0;border-left:4px solid #2f4a66;border-radius:4px 18px 18px 4px;padding:20px 26px;margin:6px 0 34px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:1\/3;width:40px;height:40px;border-radius:50%;background:#fff;color:#2f4a66;display:flex;align-items:center;justify-content:center}.eqp .eq-kp .mk svg{width:21px;height:21px}.eqp .eq-kp .k{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.16em;text-transform:uppercase;color:#2f4a66;margin:2px 0 4px}.eqp .eq-kp .t{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:clamp(15px,calc(10.6px + .72vw),19px);font-weight:500;line-height:1.55;color:#2a2622;margin:0}@media(max-width:560px){.eqp .eq-kp{grid-template-columns:minmax(0,1fr);padding:18px 20px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:auto;width:34px;height:34px}}<\/style><aside class=\"eq-kp\"><span class=\"mk\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"><path d=\"M6.5 3.5h11a1 1 0 0 1 1 1v15.6a.5.5 0 0 1-.78.42L12 16.4l-5.72 4.12a.5.5 0 0 1-.78-.42V4.5a1 1 0 0 1 1-1z\"\/><\/svg><\/span><p class=\"k\">Be mindful<\/p><p class=\"t\">Withdrawing, attacking yourself, avoiding and attacking others can all protect you from shame for a moment. The clearest harm in the research comes when shame turns into blaming others.<\/p><\/aside>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:92px;margin-bottom:34px\"><div class=\"sh-ph\"><div class=\"tile\"><svg viewBox=\"12 3 40 60\" fill=\"none\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><path d=\"M19 60.5h26\" stroke=\"#eedcb9\" stroke-width=\"2\"\/><path d=\"M24.7 24.5C22.3 24 29.3 18 29.2 22C28.4 19.9 32 29.5 29.4 28C26.9 29.6 21.5 27 24.7 26.4C20.5 30.5 31.6 18.2 27.2 21.8C24.3 21 34.3 25.6 33.8 24\" stroke=\"#c44862\" stroke-width=\".9\"\/><path d=\"M28.5 30.2C29.8 30.8 22.9 27.8 22.8 27.5C20.2 28.3 25.7 29 29 26.7C26.2 28.5 28.5 30.3 26 31.4C29.3 30.2 23.2 24.7 24.3 25.4\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\".7\" opacity=\".75\"\/><path d=\"M31 40L28.5 50.5L27.5 59.5\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"4.2\"\/><path d=\"M32.5 40L34 50L35.5 59.5\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"4.2\"\/><path d=\"M25.5 60h4.5M34 60h4.5\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"2.2\"\/><path d=\"M31.6 41Q29 29.3 33.5 23\" stroke=\"#2f4a66\" stroke-width=\"8.5\"\/><path d=\"M33.5 23L36 31.3L36.5 39\" stroke=\"#22384f\" stroke-width=\"3.2\"\/><circle cx=\"36\" cy=\"17.8\" r=\"5.8\" fill=\"#fff\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"1.5\"\/><path d=\"M30.8 15.2L27.7 14.2M32.1 13.5L29.8 10.7M34.2 12.3L34.7 9.3\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"1\"\/><circle cx=\"38.1\" cy=\"17.8\" r=\".85\" fill=\"#2a2622\"\/><path d=\"M36.5 20.6q1.4 0.4 2.8 0\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"1\"\/><path d=\"M36.2 20l1.3-1.6M37.8 20.2l1.3-1.6\" stroke=\"#c44862\" stroke-width=\"1.1\" opacity=\"0.3\"\/><\/svg><\/div><p class=\"lb\">Part five of seven<\/p><h2 id=\"part-5\">Shame and your mental health<\/h2><p class=\"sb\">Where shame shows up, and what isn&#8217;t known yet<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"what-shame-travels-with\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">What shame travels with<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">You feel low, and then you feel ashamed of feeling low, because other people have it so much worse. If that&#8217;s familiar, you know how quickly one feeling can pile on top of another.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Across more than a hundred studies, <strong class=\"eqb\">shame was more strongly linked with depression than guilt was<\/strong>. It&#8217;s also linked with anxiety, with the lasting effects of trauma, and with eating problems, most of all shame about your body and shame about eating. Worrying about how others see you, more than judging yourself, is the kind of shame most tied to social anxiety.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">None of this means shame is behind all of these problems. It means that when someone is struggling, shame is often somewhere in the picture.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"linked-isnt-the-same-as-caused\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Linked isn&#8217;t the same as caused<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Most of these studies are snapshots, measuring shame and symptoms at the same time. One long study that followed teenagers suggests shame can come first: those who were more prone to shame were more depressed two years later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Most likely, shame and these problems feed each other.<\/strong> But nobody can yet say how much shame causes them and how much they cause shame.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Guilt isn&#8217;t automatically the healthy one.<\/strong> Guilt about things you couldn&#8217;t control, or guilt that hangs around with nothing in particular attached to it, was linked with depression just as strongly as shame. Feeling guilty after saying no to someone is a good example of guilt that doesn&#8217;t fit the facts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"the-part-you-dont-say-out-loud\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">The part you don&#8217;t say out loud<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Shame makes people hide things from exactly the people who could help. In one study of people being treated for depression, about half had kept a symptom or an experience from their therapist, and shame was the most common reason. Hiding it went with feeling more depressed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">So if there&#8217;s something you haven&#8217;t said in therapy, or to your doctor, because it feels too shameful, that&#8217;s very common. <strong class=\"eqb\">The thing that feels too shameful to say is often exactly the thing worth bringing!<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Shame is also linked with hurting yourself. <strong class=\"eqb\">If the feeling of being wrong ever gets so big that you think about hurting yourself or ending your life, please tell someone today.<\/strong> If you feel you might act on those thoughts, call your local emergency number or go to the nearest emergency room now. Our article on <a href=\"\/suicidal-thoughts\/\" style=\"color:#a3384f;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1.5px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">suicidal thoughts<\/a> has more on what helps and who you can contact. <a href=\"\/crisis-helplines\/\" style=\"color:#a3384f;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1.5px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">Our helplines page<\/a> has the crisis lines and emergency numbers for your country.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<style>.eqp .eq-kp{display:grid;grid-template-columns:auto minmax(0,1fr);gap:4px 16px;align-items:start;background:#eef3f8;border:0;border-left:4px solid #2f4a66;border-radius:4px 18px 18px 4px;padding:20px 26px;margin:6px 0 34px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:1\/3;width:40px;height:40px;border-radius:50%;background:#fff;color:#2f4a66;display:flex;align-items:center;justify-content:center}.eqp .eq-kp .mk svg{width:21px;height:21px}.eqp .eq-kp .k{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.16em;text-transform:uppercase;color:#2f4a66;margin:2px 0 4px}.eqp .eq-kp .t{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:clamp(15px,calc(10.6px + .72vw),19px);font-weight:500;line-height:1.55;color:#2a2622;margin:0}@media(max-width:560px){.eqp .eq-kp{grid-template-columns:minmax(0,1fr);padding:18px 20px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:auto;width:34px;height:34px}}<\/style><aside class=\"eq-kp\"><span class=\"mk\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"><path d=\"M6.5 3.5h11a1 1 0 0 1 1 1v15.6a.5.5 0 0 1-.78.42L12 16.4l-5.72 4.12a.5.5 0 0 1-.78-.42V4.5a1 1 0 0 1 1-1z\"\/><\/svg><\/span><p class=\"k\">Worth remembering<\/p><p class=\"t\">Shame and problems like depression, anxiety, trauma and eating difficulties often go together, and they most likely feed each other. That doesn\u2019t mean shame is behind all of them, only that when someone is struggling, it\u2019s often somewhere in the picture.<\/p><\/aside>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:92px;margin-bottom:34px\"><div class=\"sh-ph\"><div class=\"tile\"><svg viewBox=\"12 3 40 60\" fill=\"none\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><path d=\"M19 60.5h26\" stroke=\"#eedcb9\" stroke-width=\"2\"\/><path d=\"M26.4 23.8C24.6 23.4 29.9 18.9 29.9 21.9C29.3 20.3 32 27.6 30 26.5C28.1 27.7 24.1 25.7 26.5 25.2C23.3 28.3 31.7 19 28.3 21.7\" stroke=\"#c44862\" stroke-width=\".9\"\/><path d=\"M29 29.1C29.9 29.5 24.8 27.2 24.7 27C22.7 27.6 26.8 28.2 29.3 26.4C27.3 27.8 29 29.2 27.1 30\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\".7\" opacity=\".75\"\/><path d=\"M31 40L28.5 50.5L27.5 59.5\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"4.2\"\/><path d=\"M32.5 40L34 50L35.5 59.5\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"4.2\"\/><path d=\"M25.5 60h4.5M34 60h4.5\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"2.2\"\/><path d=\"M31.6 41Q30 29.7 32.5 22.3\" stroke=\"#2f4a66\" stroke-width=\"8.5\"\/><path d=\"M32.5 22.3L34.8 30.9L35.3 38.8\" stroke=\"#22384f\" stroke-width=\"3.2\"\/><circle cx=\"34.3\" cy=\"15.4\" r=\"5.8\" fill=\"#fff\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"1.5\"\/><path d=\"M29.3 12.3L26.4 11M30.8 10.7L28.8 7.7M33.1 9.7L33.8 6.8\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"1\"\/><circle cx=\"36.3\" cy=\"15.1\" r=\".85\" fill=\"#2a2622\"\/><path d=\"M34.6 18q1.4 0.8 2.8 0\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"1\"\/><path d=\"M34.5 17.6l1.3-1.6M36.1 17.8l1.3-1.6\" stroke=\"#c44862\" stroke-width=\"1.1\" opacity=\"0.2\"\/><\/svg><\/div><p class=\"lb\">Part six of seven<\/p><h2 id=\"part-6\">Where shame is learned<\/h2><p class=\"sb\">Families, praise and culture<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"what-children-learn-from-how-we-react\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">What children learn from how we react<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">&#8220;What is wrong with you?&#8221; can slip out of any tired parent after the third spilled drink of the day. A child who hides the broken plate instead of telling you is usually a child who expects something worse than a broken plate.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Children who grow up with harsh, rejecting parenting are more likely to become prone to shame. Guilt, on the other hand, seems to point children the right way. Toddlers who showed more guilt when they thought they&#8217;d broken something went on to break fewer rules later (don&#8217;t worry, the researchers rigged the toys to break. No real heirlooms were harmed). And in a study that followed several hundred children into early adulthood, those who were more prone to guilt took fewer serious risks, while those more prone to shame took more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">The practical lesson for parents is a kind one: <strong class=\"eqb\">talking about what a child did, rather than who they are, is more likely to teach the kind of guilt they can do something about<\/strong>, instead of shame they have to hide. The same goes for praise. Our article on <a href=\"\/praising-effort\/\" style=\"color:#a3384f;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1.5px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">praising effort<\/a> explains how praising a child for being clever can make them feel more ashamed when they fail, especially children who already feel bad about themselves. <a href=\"\/letting-kids-make-decisions\/\" style=\"color:#a3384f;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1.5px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">Letting a child make some of their own decisions<\/a> can teach the same thing: a wrong call is something you can repair, not something to hide.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"when-your-childs-meltdown-makes-you-ashamed\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">When your child&#8217;s meltdown makes you ashamed<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Your child throws themselves on the floor in the supermarket, people turn to look, and your face goes hot. It&#8217;s not only children who feel shame in moments like this. Parents who felt ashamed about their child&#8217;s behavior, mostly because others were watching, were more likely to react in ways that didn&#8217;t help. Parents who felt guilty instead were more likely to react in ways that did.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">So a meltdown in public is hard partly because you feel judged too. <strong class=\"eqb\">Noticing that can be enough to change what you say next.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-background has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-bd3116f4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"background-color:#fbecef;border-radius:18px;margin-top:4px;margin-bottom:30px;padding:24px 28px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#6e2236;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:12.5px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">A FEW THINGS THAT HELP IN THE MOMENT<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.568), 19px);line-height:1.7\">\n<li>Name the behavior, not the child: &#8220;You threw the cup&#8221;, not &#8220;You&#8217;re so naughty&#8221;.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Make repair easy: &#8220;Let&#8217;s clean it up together.&#8221;<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Notice your own face going hot, and take a breath before you answer.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"culture-sets-the-alarm-it-doesnt-invent-it\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Culture sets the alarm, it doesn&#8217;t invent it<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Lots of people grow up with &#8220;What will people think?&#8221; behind every decision. Others move countries and find that something normal at home is embarrassing in the new one, or the other way around.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">The shame alarm itself looks much the same in every culture where it&#8217;s been tested. What differs is what sets it off, how openly it&#8217;s shown, and whether it&#8217;s seen as a failing or as a sign that you care about other people. In Japan, for example, students saw shame as a more common and more acceptable feeling than students in the United States did. Among salespeople, shame led Filipino workers to put more into their relationships with customers, and Dutch workers to pull back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">One explanation is about how easy it is to make new relationships. Where it&#8217;s hard to find new friends or start again somewhere else, losing the people you have costs more, and the shame alarm goes off more easily. <strong class=\"eqb\">Everyone has the shame alarm. Culture decides what sets it off, and what you&#8217;re supposed to do with it.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<style>.eqp .eq-kp{display:grid;grid-template-columns:auto minmax(0,1fr);gap:4px 16px;align-items:start;background:#eef3f8;border:0;border-left:4px solid #2f4a66;border-radius:4px 18px 18px 4px;padding:20px 26px;margin:6px 0 34px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:1\/3;width:40px;height:40px;border-radius:50%;background:#fff;color:#2f4a66;display:flex;align-items:center;justify-content:center}.eqp .eq-kp .mk svg{width:21px;height:21px}.eqp .eq-kp .k{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.16em;text-transform:uppercase;color:#2f4a66;margin:2px 0 4px}.eqp .eq-kp .t{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:clamp(15px,calc(10.6px + .72vw),19px);font-weight:500;line-height:1.55;color:#2a2622;margin:0}@media(max-width:560px){.eqp .eq-kp{grid-template-columns:minmax(0,1fr);padding:18px 20px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:auto;width:34px;height:34px}}<\/style><aside class=\"eq-kp\"><span class=\"mk\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"><path d=\"M6.5 3.5h11a1 1 0 0 1 1 1v15.6a.5.5 0 0 1-.78.42L12 16.4l-5.72 4.12a.5.5 0 0 1-.78-.42V4.5a1 1 0 0 1 1-1z\"\/><\/svg><\/span><p class=\"k\">Worth noting<\/p><p class=\"t\">Talk about what a child did, not who they are. It\u2019s more likely to teach guilt they can act on, instead of shame they have to hide.<\/p><\/aside>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:92px;margin-bottom:34px\"><div class=\"sh-ph\"><div class=\"tile\"><svg viewBox=\"12 3 40 60\" fill=\"none\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><path d=\"M19 60.5h26\" stroke=\"#eedcb9\" stroke-width=\"2\"\/><path d=\"M31 40L28.5 50.5L27.5 59.5\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"4.2\"\/><path d=\"M32.5 40L34 50L35.5 59.5\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"4.2\"\/><path d=\"M25.5 60h4.5M34 60h4.5\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"2.2\"\/><path d=\"M31.6 41Q31 30 31.5 21.5\" stroke=\"#2f4a66\" stroke-width=\"8.5\"\/><path d=\"M31.5 21.5L33.5 30.5L34 38.5\" stroke=\"#22384f\" stroke-width=\"3.2\"\/><circle cx=\"32.5\" cy=\"13\" r=\"5.8\" fill=\"#fff\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"1.5\"\/><path d=\"M27.9 9.4L25.1 7.8M29.5 8L27.9 4.8M31.9 7.2L32.9 4.4\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"1\"\/><circle cx=\"34.5\" cy=\"12.4\" r=\".85\" fill=\"#2a2622\"\/><path d=\"M32.7 15.4q1.4 1.1 2.8 0\" stroke=\"#2a2622\" stroke-width=\"1\"\/><\/svg><\/div><p class=\"lb\">Part seven of seven<\/p><h2 id=\"part-7\">What actually helps<\/h2><p class=\"sb\">Small, practical ways to loosen shame&#8217;s grip<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"name-it\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Name it<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">The simplest step is also one of the most useful. <strong class=\"eqb\">Saying &#8220;I feel ashamed&#8221;, even just to yourself, puts a little distance between you and the feeling.<\/strong> Putting feelings into words seems to calm the parts of the brain that react to threat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Nobody has tested this for shame specifically. But just saying &#8220;this is shame&#8221; can help, and it also makes it easier to see what the feeling is trying to get you to do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"separate-what-you-did-from-who-you-are\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Separate what you did from who you are<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">When you catch yourself thinking &#8220;I&#8217;m such an idiot&#8221;, try turning it into &#8220;I made a mistake, and here&#8217;s what I can do about it&#8221;.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">There&#8217;s no study that tests only this one change. But almost everything in this article points the same way. Guilt about a specific thing tends to lead to repair, and shame about your whole self tends to lead to hiding. <strong class=\"eqb\">The more you can shrink it from &#8220;I am&#8221; to &#8220;I did&#8221;, the more there is to actually do.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"ask-whether-it-can-be-repaired\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Ask whether it can be repaired<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">If it can, repair it. <strong class=\"eqb\">Apologize for the thing you did, not for existing.<\/strong> Our article on <a href=\"\/how-to-apologize\/\" style=\"color:#a3384f;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1.5px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">apologizing<\/a> explains what makes a genuine apology work, and it&#8217;s a lot less about groveling than you might think.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">If it can&#8217;t be repaired, ask what you&#8217;d want to do differently next time. That&#8217;s still something you can do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">And a word on forgiving yourself. Real self-forgiveness includes owning what happened. It isn&#8217;t the same as pretending it didn&#8217;t matter. People who forgive themselves tend to have better health and well-being, although those studies can&#8217;t show which comes first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"tell-one-safe-person\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Tell one safe person<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Shame loves secrets. It tells you that if anyone knew, they&#8217;d think less of you. Telling one person you trust is often how that story loses its grip.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">People who had confided a secret to someone felt more able to cope with it and thought about it less. That doesn&#8217;t mean telling everyone. You get to choose who hears what, and <strong class=\"eqb\">one safe person is enough!<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">And if someone tells you something they&#8217;re ashamed of, the most helpful response is often the simplest one: &#8220;Thank you for telling me.&#8221;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"talk-to-yourself-the-way-youd-talk-to-a-friend\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Talk to yourself the way you&#8217;d talk to a friend<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">If a friend told you they&#8217;d forgotten their best friend&#8217;s birthday, you probably wouldn&#8217;t call them a terrible person. You&#8217;d say it happens, and ask whether they&#8217;d like to call her now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">In a small study, people who wrote kindly to themselves about a shameful memory felt less ashamed than people who only wrote about how they felt, and two weeks later they were less prone to shame and less low. <strong class=\"eqb\">Speaking to yourself the way you&#8217;d speak to a friend is a promising thing to try.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-background has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-bd3116f4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"background-color:#fbecef;border-radius:18px;margin-top:4px;margin-bottom:30px;padding:24px 28px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#6e2236;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:12.5px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">WHEN SHAME HITS<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.568), 19px);line-height:1.7\">\n<li>Name it: &#8220;This is shame.&#8221;<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Take a long, slow breath out before you do anything else.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Ask yourself: &#8220;Did I do something, or am I something?&#8221;<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>If it can be fixed, choose the smallest next step and do only that.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>If it can&#8217;t, ask what a kind friend would say to you, and say it to yourself.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">If you&#8217;d like to plan ahead, our article on <a href=\"\/if-then-plans\/\" style=\"color:#a3384f;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1.5px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">if-then plans<\/a> shows how to decide in advance what you&#8217;ll do in the moment: if I notice I&#8217;m hiding, then I&#8217;ll send one line.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"when-someone-keeps-making-you-feel-small\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">When someone keeps making you feel small<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Sometimes the shame isn&#8217;t only coming from the voice in your head. It&#8217;s coming from a real person: a partner who mocks you in front of friends, a boss who picks apart your work in every meeting, or a parent who still asks &#8220;What is wrong with you?&#8221; when you&#8217;re forty.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">That kind of shame deserves to be taken seriously. Worrying about how other people see you is the kind of shame most strongly linked with feeling low, and when someone keeps putting you down, that worry has something real to feed on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Being shamed by someone else tells you how they&#8217;re treating you, not who you are.<\/strong> It can help to name it to yourself (&#8220;This is them making me feel small&#8221;), to spend less time around them where you can, and to tell someone you trust what&#8217;s been happening. If you feel afraid of this person, or they control who you see, where you go or what you spend, that&#8217;s more than shame, and it&#8217;s worth talking to a professional or a support service about it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">When the person you&#8217;re afraid of watches your phone, your money or where you go, reaching out can feel unsafe, and sometimes it is. It&#8217;s fine to plan how you do it: use a phone or computer they can&#8217;t see if you can, and know that many domestic abuse helplines will talk it through in confidence. You can find one where you live on <a href=\"\/crisis-helplines\/\" style=\"color:#a3384f;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1.5px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">our helplines page<\/a>, and if you&#8217;re in immediate danger, call your local emergency number.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"when-its-worth-getting-help\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">When it&#8217;s worth getting help<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Sometimes shame is too big or too old to shift on your own. You might have carried something for years that you&#8217;ve never told anyone, or notice that shame decides what you do most days.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Several kinds of therapy work directly with shame. Compassion-focused therapy was designed for people with a lot of shame and self-criticism, especially people who find being kind to themselves difficult, or even frightening. Acceptance and commitment therapy and some forms of cognitive behavioral therapy have also reduced shame in trials. The trials are promising, but most are small. <strong class=\"eqb\">If shame is shaping your days, it&#8217;s worth bringing to a therapist.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<style>.eqp .eq-kp{display:grid;grid-template-columns:auto minmax(0,1fr);gap:4px 16px;align-items:start;background:#eef3f8;border:0;border-left:4px solid #2f4a66;border-radius:4px 18px 18px 4px;padding:20px 26px;margin:6px 0 34px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:1\/3;width:40px;height:40px;border-radius:50%;background:#fff;color:#2f4a66;display:flex;align-items:center;justify-content:center}.eqp .eq-kp .mk svg{width:21px;height:21px}.eqp .eq-kp .k{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.16em;text-transform:uppercase;color:#2f4a66;margin:2px 0 4px}.eqp .eq-kp .t{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:clamp(15px,calc(10.6px + .72vw),19px);font-weight:500;line-height:1.55;color:#2a2622;margin:0}@media(max-width:560px){.eqp .eq-kp{grid-template-columns:minmax(0,1fr);padding:18px 20px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:auto;width:34px;height:34px}}<\/style><aside class=\"eq-kp\"><span class=\"mk\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"><path d=\"M6.5 3.5h11a1 1 0 0 1 1 1v15.6a.5.5 0 0 1-.78.42L12 16.4l-5.72 4.12a.5.5 0 0 1-.78-.42V4.5a1 1 0 0 1 1-1z\"\/><\/svg><\/span><p class=\"k\">Worth remembering<\/p><p class=\"t\">Name it, separate what you did from who you are, repair what can be repaired, and tell one safe person. People who confide in someone they trust tend to cope better and think about it less.<\/p><\/aside>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"it-wasnt-built-to-decide-who-you-are\" style=\"color:#2f4a66;margin-top:72px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">It wasn&#8217;t built to decide who you are<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Shame is one of the most human feelings there is. It seems to exist because we care what the people around us think, and most of the time that&#8217;s a good thing. It keeps us connected, and it can nudge us to put things right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">It just wasn&#8217;t built to decide who you are. When it starts doing that, <strong class=\"eqb\">the kindest and most useful thing you can do is notice it, name it, and bring it somewhere safe<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-background has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-f86ed65e wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"background-color:#f1f5f9;border-color:#d6e0ea;border-width:1.5px;border-style:solid;border-radius:20px;margin-top:46px;margin-bottom:46px;padding:34px 38px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#22384f;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:12px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">WHAT THE RESEARCH SUPPORTS<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Three findings in this article are the most consistent. Shame is about who you are and guilt is about what you did, and guilt is the one that more often leads to putting things right. Shame closely follows how much other people would think less of us, in every culture where that&#8217;s been tested. And shame is more strongly linked than guilt with depression and anxiety, and it often shows up alongside trauma and eating problems.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-background has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-7c590e6f wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"background-color:#fbecef;border-color:#f2c3cd;border-width:1.5px;border-style:solid;border-radius:20px;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:46px;padding:34px 38px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#6e2236;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:12px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">WORTH BEING CLEAR ABOUT<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Most of the research on shame measures it and something else at the same moment, so it shows links rather than causes. Many of the most striking studies are small, and the treatments that target shame look promising but have mostly been tested in small trials. Some popular ideas about shame, including the shame spiral, describe how shame can feel rather than something that has been measured.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-background has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-50ae14a5 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"background-color:#faf8f3;border-color:#e8e1d5;border-width:1.5px;border-style:solid;border-radius:18px;margin-top:34px;margin-bottom:44px;padding:30px 34px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#6b6259;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:14px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">REFERENCES<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" style=\"color:#524a42;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.17), 15.5px);line-height:1.7\">\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1037\/0021-9010.88.2.219\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">Bagozzi, R. 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The true trigger of shame: Social devaluation is sufficient, wrongdoing is unnecessary. <em>Evolution and Human Behavior, 39<\/em>(5), 566-573.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1111\/j.1475-6811.2009.01219.x\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">Scarnier, M., Schmader, T., &amp; Lickel, B. (2009). Parental shame and guilt: Distinguishing emotional responses to a child&#8217;s wrongdoings. <em>Personal Relationships, 16<\/em>(2), 205-220.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1016\/j.cpr.2019.101779\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">Sheehy, K., Noureen, A., Khaliq, A., Dhingra, K., Husain, N., Pontin, E. E., Cawley, R., &amp; Taylor, P. J. (2019). An examination of the relationship between shame, guilt and self-harm: A systematic review and meta-analysis. <em>Clinical Psychology Review, 73<\/em>, Article 101779.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1037\/pspa0000085\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">Slepian, M. L., Chun, J. S., &amp; Mason, M. F. (2017). The experience of secrecy. <em>Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113<\/em>(1), 1-33.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1037\/emo0000542\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">Slepian, M. L., Kirby, J. N., &amp; Kalokerinos, E. K. (2020). Shame, guilt, and secrets on the mind. <em>Emotion, 20<\/em>(2), 323-328.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1177\/1948550618765069\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">Slepian, M. L., &amp; Moulton-Tetlock, E. (2019). Confiding secrets and well-being. <em>Social Psychological and Personality Science, 10<\/em>(4), 472-484.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1016\/j.paid.2006.11.012\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">Stoeber, J., Harris, R. A., &amp; Moon, P. S. (2007). Perfectionism and the experience of pride, shame, and guilt: Comparing healthy perfectionists, unhealthy perfectionists, and non-perfectionists. <em>Personality and Individual Differences, 43<\/em>(1), 131-141.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1177\/1077559505279308\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">Stuewig, J., &amp; McCloskey, L. A. (2005). The relation of child maltreatment to shame and guilt among adolescents: Psychological routes to depression and delinquency. <em>Child Maltreatment, 10<\/em>(4), 324-336.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1016\/j.jrp.2009.12.005\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">Stuewig, J., Tangney, J. P., Heigel, C., Harty, L., &amp; McCloskey, L. (2010). Shaming, blaming, and maiming: Functional links among the moral emotions, externalization of blame, and aggression. <em>Journal of Research in Personality, 44<\/em>(1), 91-102.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1007\/s10578-014-0467-1\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">Stuewig, J., Tangney, J. P., Kendall, S., Folk, J. B., Meyer, C. R., &amp; Dearing, R. L. (2015). Children&#8217;s proneness to shame and guilt predict risky and illegal behaviors in young adulthood. <em>Child Psychiatry &amp; Human Development, 46<\/em>(2), 217-227.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1177\/147470491201000213\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">Sznycer, D., Takemura, K., Delton, A. W., Sato, K., Robertson, T., Cosmides, L., &amp; Tooby, J. (2012). Cross-cultural differences and similarities in proneness to shame: An adaptationist and ecological approach. <em>Evolutionary Psychology, 10<\/em>(2), 352-370.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1073\/pnas.1514699113\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">Sznycer, D., Tooby, J., Cosmides, L., Porat, R., Shalvi, S., &amp; Halperin, E. (2016). Shame closely tracks the threat of devaluation by others, even across cultures. <em>Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 113<\/em>(10), 2625-2630.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1073\/pnas.1805016115\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">Sznycer, D., Xygalatas, D., Agey, E., Alami, S., An, X.-F., Ananyeva, K. I., Atkinson, Q. D., Broitman, B. R., Conte, T. J., Flores, C., Fukushima, S., Hitokoto, H., Kharitonov, A. N., Onyishi, C. N., Onyishi, I. E., Romero, P. P., Schrock, J. M., Snodgrass, J. J., Sugiyama, L. S., . . . Tooby, J. (2018). Cross-cultural invariances in the architecture of shame. <em>Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 115<\/em>(39), 9702-9707.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1037\/0022-3514.70.6.1256\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">Tangney, J. P., Miller, R. S., Flicker, L., &amp; Barlow, D. H. (1996). Are shame, guilt, and embarrassment distinct emotions? <em>Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70<\/em>(6), 1256-1269.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1177\/0956797613508790\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">Tangney, J. P., Stuewig, J., &amp; Martinez, A. G. (2014). Two faces of shame: The roles of shame and guilt in predicting recidivism. <em>Psychological Science, 25<\/em>(3), 799-805.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1146\/annurev.psych.56.091103.070145\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">Tangney, J. P., Stuewig, J., &amp; Mashek, D. J. (2007). Moral emotions and moral behavior. <em>Annual Review of Psychology, 58<\/em>(1), 345-372.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1037\/0022-3514.62.4.669\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">Tangney, J. P., Wagner, P., Fletcher, C., &amp; Gramzow, R. (1992). Shamed into anger? The relation of shame and guilt to anger and self-reported aggression. <em>Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 62<\/em>(4), 669-675.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1177\/1754073917742706\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">Torre, J. B., &amp; Lieberman, M. D. (2018). Putting feelings into words: Affect labeling as implicit emotion regulation. <em>Emotion Review, 10<\/em>(2), 116-124.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1073\/pnas.0802686105\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">Tracy, J. L., &amp; Matsumoto, D. (2008). The spontaneous expression of pride and shame: Evidence for biologically innate nonverbal displays. <em>Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 105<\/em>(33), 11655-11660.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1016\/j.paid.2012.05.011\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">Treeby, M., &amp; Bruno, R. (2012). Shame and guilt-proneness: Divergent implications for problematic alcohol use and drinking to cope with anxiety and depression symptomatology. <em>Personality and Individual Differences, 53<\/em>(5), 613-617.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.2196\/50535\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">Wen, X., Gou, M., Chen, H., Kishimoto, T., Qian, M., Margraf, J., &amp; Berger, T. (2024). The efficacy of web-based cognitive behavioral therapy with a shame-specific intervention for social anxiety disorder: Randomized controlled trial. <em>JMIR Mental Health, 11<\/em>, Article e50535.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1016\/j.paid.2010.01.029\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">Wohl, M. J. A., Pychyl, T. A., &amp; Bennett, S. H. (2010). I forgive myself, now I can study: How self-forgiveness for procrastinating can reduce future procrastination. <em>Personality and Individual Differences, 48<\/em>(7), 803-808.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1037\/a0027349\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">Zoccola, P. M., Dickerson, S. S., &amp; Lam, S. (2012). Eliciting and maintaining ruminative thought: The role of social-evaluative threat. <em>Emotion, 12<\/em>(4), 673-677.<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#6b6259;margin-top:30px;margin-bottom:14px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">BOOKS FROM OUR SHELF<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" style=\"color:#524a42;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.17), 15.5px);line-height:1.7\">\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/openlibrary.org\/works\/OL8986535W\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">Brown, B. (2007). <em>I thought it was just me (but it isn\u2019t): Making the journey from \u201cwhat will people think?\u201d to \u201cI am enough\u201d<\/em>. Avery.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/openlibrary.org\/works\/OL24499855W\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#f2c3cd\">Gilbert, P. (2009). <em>The compassionate mind: A new approach to life\u2019s challenges<\/em>. Constable.<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"eq-lastrev\" style=\"margin:34px 0 0;font-family:&quot;Work Sans&quot;,sans-serif;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.15em;text-transform:uppercase;line-height:1.5;color:#6b6259\">Last reviewed October 2026<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<style>.eqp{--rc-accent:#ac3750;--rc-band:#f8eaed;--rc-hover:#f3dae0;--rc-bg:#faf8f3}.eqp .eq-rc-btn{display:none}.eqp .eq-rc{position:relative}.eqp .eq-rc li[hidden]{display:block;margin:0;padding:0;height:0;line-height:0;font-size:0}.eqp .eq-rc li.rc-off{display:none}.eqp .eq-rc.is-collapsed::after{content:\"\";position:absolute;left:0;right:0;bottom:0;height:76px;background:linear-gradient(to bottom,transparent,var(--rc-bg) 94%);pointer-events:none}.eqp .eq-rc ~ .eq-rc-btn{display:inline-flex;align-items:center;justify-content:center;gap:8px;box-sizing:border-box;min-width:260px;min-height:48px;margin:22px 0 0;padding:12px 26px;background:var(--rc-band);color:var(--rc-accent);border:1.5px solid var(--rc-accent);border-radius:9px;font-family:\"Work Sans\",system-ui,sans-serif;font-size:15px;font-weight:600;line-height:1.3;letter-spacing:normal;text-transform:none;text-decoration:none;text-align:center;box-shadow:none;cursor:pointer;-webkit-appearance:none;appearance:none;-webkit-tap-highlight-color:transparent}.eqp .eq-rc ~ .eq-rc-btn:hover{background:var(--rc-hover);color:var(--rc-accent)}.eqp .eq-rc ~ .eq-rc-btn:focus-visible{outline:3px solid var(--rc-accent);outline-offset:3px}.eqp .eq-rc-chev{flex:0 0 auto;width:8px;height:8px;margin-top:-4px;border-right:2px solid currentColor;border-bottom:2px solid currentColor;transform:rotate(45deg);transition:transform .2s ease}.eqp .eq-rc-btn[aria-expanded=\"true\"] .eq-rc-chev{margin-top:4px;transform:rotate(-135deg)}@media (max-width:640px){.eqp .eq-rc ~ .eq-rc-btn{display:flex;width:100%;min-width:0;margin:18px 0 0;padding:12px 10px}}@media (prefers-reduced-motion:reduce){.eqp .eq-rc-chev{transition:none}}@media print{.eqp 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a=e.target;\nwhile(a){\nif(a.tagName===\"A\"){break;}\na=a.parentNode;\n}\nif(!a){return;}\nif(!a.getAttribute){return;}\nvar h=a.getAttribute(\"href\");\nif(!h){return;}\nif(h.charAt(0)!==\"#\"){return;}\nreveal(targetOf(h));\n},true);\nwindow.addEventListener(\"hashchange\",fromHash);\nwindow.addEventListener(\"load\",fromHash);\nrun();\nif(document.readyState===\"loading\"){\ndocument.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",run);\n}\n})();\/*>*\/<\/script>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-32086477 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"border-left-color:#c44862;border-left-width:4px;border-left-style:solid;border-radius:0px;margin-top:8px;margin-bottom:56px;padding:4px 0px 4px 28px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#6b6259;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.227), 16px);line-height:1.7\"><strong style=\"color:#a3384f\">This article is general information, not medical advice.<\/strong> It describes what research has found about shame, and nothing in it can tell you what is right for you. If shame, low mood or anxiety are affecting your life, that deserves proper support rather than an article. Psychological support is intended to work alongside appropriate medical care, never to replace it.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:44px\"><a class=\"ra-next\" href=\"\/name-it-to-tame-it\/\"><span class=\"eyb\">Read next<\/span><span class=\"ti\">Name It to Tame It<\/span><span class=\"wy\">Why putting a feeling into words helps it settle, and how to tell embarrassment, shame and guilt apart when they all arrive at once.<\/span><\/a><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"2560\" height=\"1708\" src=\"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/mid-shot-woman-therapist-taking-notes-clipboard-scaled.jpg\" alt=\"A therapist taking notes on a clipboard during a session\" class=\"wp-image-230\" style=\"width:100%;height:340px;object-fit:cover;object-position:center 40%;border-radius:22px 22px 0 0;display:block\" srcset=\"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/mid-shot-woman-therapist-taking-notes-clipboard-scaled.jpg 2560w, https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/mid-shot-woman-therapist-taking-notes-clipboard-300x200.jpg 300w, https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/mid-shot-woman-therapist-taking-notes-clipboard-1024x683.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/mid-shot-woman-therapist-taking-notes-clipboard-768x512.jpg 768w, https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/mid-shot-woman-therapist-taking-notes-clipboard-1536x1025.jpg 1536w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 2560px) 100vw, 2560px\" \/><\/div>\n<div hidden data-eq-related=\"3144,2368,3860\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-background eq-ondark has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-f761ea3b wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"background-color:#2f4a66;border-radius:0px 0px 22px 22px;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:80px;padding:52px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#c5d3e2;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:14px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">WORKING WITH THIS<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"when-shame-is-running-the-show\" style=\"color:#ffffff;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">When shame is running the show<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#ffffff;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:30px;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.455), 18px);line-height:1.7\">Shame is hard to talk about, which is exactly why it helps to have somewhere safe to do it. In therapy we can look at where yours comes from and what it\u2019s been asking of you, as slowly as you need.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-buttons is-layout-flex wp-block-buttons-is-layout-flex\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-button\"><a class=\"wp-block-button__link has-text-color has-background has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-element-button\" href=\"\/individual-session\/\" style=\"border-radius:9px;color:#2a2622;background-color:#faf8f3;padding:15px 30px;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.284), 16.5px);font-weight:700\">Book a session<\/a><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-button footer_b\"><a class=\"wp-block-button__link has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-element-button\" href=\"\/contact\/\" style=\"border-color:#c5d3e2;border-width:1.5px;border-style:solid;border-radius:9px;color:#ffffff;padding:15px 30px;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.284), 16.5px);font-weight:600\">Get in touch<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>What shame is and how it differs from guilt, why it makes us want to hide, why it can push us to fix ourselves and when that goes too far, why it sometimes leads us to do exactly what we don&#8217;t want to do, what it has to do with our mental health, where we learn it, and what actually helps<\/p>","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":4732,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"iawp_total_views":316,"footnotes":""},"categories":[15,16,10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3289","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-body-and-mind","category-deep-dive","category-relationship"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3289","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3289"}],"version-history":[{"count":20,"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3289\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4785,"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3289\/revisions\/4785"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4732"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3289"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3289"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3289"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}