{"id":2380,"date":"2024-12-03T10:00:00","date_gmt":"2024-12-03T09:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/?p=2380"},"modified":"2026-11-02T15:42:25","modified_gmt":"2026-11-02T14:42:25","slug":"attachment-styles","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/attachment-styles\/","title":{"rendered":"Understanding Attachment Styles"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<style>.att-sit{background:#fff;border:1.5px solid #e6e1e8;border-radius:18px;padding:28px 30px}.att-sit .note{font-size:14.5px;line-height:1.55;color:#6d6675;margin:0 0 20px;padding:10px 14px;background:#faf7fb;border-radius:10px}.att-sit .grid{display:grid;grid-template-columns:minmax(0,1fr) 300px;gap:30px;align-items:start}.att-sit label{display:block;margin:0 0 6px}.att-sit .q{display:block;font-size:17px;font-weight:600;line-height:1.4;color:#1e1a24;margin:0 0 4px}.att-sit .ends{display:flex;justify-content:space-between;font-size:13px;color:#6d6675}.att-sit input[type=range]{width:100%;margin:2px 0 22px;accent-color:#4c3d6b;min-height:32px}.att-sit .out{font-size:17px;line-height:1.6;color:#1e1a24;margin:0;padding:16px 18px;background:#faf7fb;border-radius:12px;min-height:5.2em}.att-sit .fld{position:relative;display:grid;grid-template-columns:1fr 1fr;grid-template-rows:1fr 1fr;gap:4px;aspect-ratio:1;border-radius:14px;overflow:visible;margin:0 0 24px 22px}.att-sit .fld>div{border-radius:10px;display:flex;align-items:flex-start;justify-content:flex-start;padding:10px 12px}.att-sit .fld span{font-size:13.5px;font-weight:700;color:#1e1a24}.att-sit .fld .xl{position:absolute;left:0;right:0;bottom:-24px;text-align:center;font-size:12.5px;font-weight:600;color:#6d6675}.att-sit .fld .yl{position:absolute;left:-24px;top:50%;transform:translate(-50%,-50%) rotate(-90deg);white-space:nowrap;font-size:12.5px;font-weight:600;color:#6d6675}.att-sit .dot{position:absolute;width:22px;height:22px;margin:-11px 0 0 -11px;border-radius:50%;background:#4c3d6b;border:3px solid #fff;box-shadow:0 1px 6px rgba(30,26,36,.35);transition:left .15s ease,top .15s ease}@media(max-width:760px){.att-sit .grid{grid-template-columns:1fr}.att-sit .fld{max-width:300px;margin:6px auto 26px 22px}.att-sit{padding:22px 20px}}@media(prefers-reduced-motion:reduce){.att-sit .dot{transition:none}}.att-card .hd h3{margin-bottom:6px}\n\/* eq-phone-fixes-13oct:start (per post; same rules as the site-wide sweep fixes)\n   Three fixes for every post, from the 12 Oct sweeps.\n   1. 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The harness cannot show this: it renders\n   the CSS you wrote, not the CSS the theme adds. *\/\n.att-part h2{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif!important;font-size:clamp(21px,2.6vw,27px);font-weight:700;\n  line-height:1.22;color:#1e1a24;margin:0}\n.att-part .sb{font-size:16px;line-height:1.55;color:#6d6675;margin:9px 0 0}\n\n\/* ---- read next ----\n   A link that is a whole card, so the target is the card rather than four\n   words inside a sentence at the end of a panel nobody reads twice. *\/\n.att-next{display:block;text-decoration:none;background:#fff;border:1.5px solid #e6e1e8;\n  border-left:5px solid #4c3d6b;border-radius:18px;padding:26px 30px;\n  transition:border-color .2s ease,transform .2s ease}\n.att-next:hover{border-color:#d8d1e4;transform:translateY(-2px)}\n.att-next .eyb{display:block;color:#6d6675;margin:0 0 10px}\n.att-next .ti{display:block;font-size:clamp(21px,2.4vw,25px);font-weight:700;line-height:1.25;\n  color:#4c3d6b;margin:0 0 9px;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:4px;\n  text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:#cfc6e0}\n.att-next .wy{display:block;font-size:17px;line-height:1.6;color:#6d6675}\n.att-next:focus-visible{outline:2px solid #4c3d6b;outline-offset:3px}\n\n\/* ---- the style card ----\n   Four of these, one per style, so each has to survive four repetitions. White\n   ground and a hairline, with the style's colour doing exactly two jobs: the\n   spine down the left, and the ground under the worked example. *\/\n.att-card{background:#fff;border:1.5px solid #e6e1e8;border-left-width:5px;border-radius:20px;\n  padding:32px 34px 0;overflow:hidden}\n.att-card .hd{display:flex;align-items:baseline;flex-wrap:wrap;gap:6px 16px;\n  padding-bottom:20px;border-bottom:1px solid #e6e1e8}\n.att-card h3{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif!important;\n  \/* Capped at 23px, not 27px. A card sits inside a section which sits inside a\n     part, so it is the third level and must set below both: the part head caps\n     at 27px and a section is 25px. At 27px the four card names were the same\n     size as the part titles containing them and the hierarchy read flat. *\/\n  font-size:clamp(21px,2.4vw,23px);font-weight:700;line-height:1.15;margin:0}\n.att-card .sub{font-size:16px;font-weight:400;color:#6d6675}\n.att-card .pc{margin-left:auto;text-align:right;font-size:15px;color:#6d6675;line-height:1.35;\n  font-variant-numeric:tabular-nums}\n.att-card .pc b{display:block;font-size:19px;font-weight:700;color:#1e1a24}\n\/* the axis line: the one thing on the card the prose never says *\/\n.att-card .ax{flex-basis:100%;font-size:13.5px;font-weight:600;letter-spacing:.03em;color:#6d6675;margin:0}\n.att-card .cols{display:grid;grid-template-columns:1fr 1fr;gap:30px 40px;padding:26px 0 4px}\n.att-card .cols .eyb{color:#6d6675}\n.att-card ul{margin:0;padding-left:20px}\n.att-card li{font-size:17px;line-height:1.6;margin:0 0 11px;color:#1e1a24}\n.att-card li:last-child{margin-bottom:0}\n.att-card .ex{margin:26px -34px 0;padding:24px 34px 26px}\n\/* This band was capped to the measure and it was wrong. A capped line inside a\n   full bleed tinted band does not read as careful typography, it reads as a\n   hole down the right hand side, which is exactly what the author saw. The\n   band is a device with its own edges, not running body text, so the line\n   fills it. 18.5px rather than 17.5px brings the count back to about eighty\n   and gives the example the weight it deserves: it is the part of each card a\n   reader actually remembers. *\/\n.att-card .ex p{font-size:18.5px;line-height:1.6;margin:0;color:#1e1a24}\n.att-card .ex b{font-weight:700}\n\/* The research finding for this style. It was in content.js as st.stat from the\n   first build and this component never rendered it, so four sentences of the\n   author's - one per card - were on no page, and the four works they cite were\n   left sitting in a References box the article no longer cited anywhere.\n   Quieter than the example band: this is evidence, not a person. *\/\n.att-card .rs{border-top:1px solid #e6e1e8;margin:0 -34px;padding:20px 34px 22px}\n.att-card .rs p{font-size:16px;line-height:1.55;margin:0;color:#6d6675}\n.att-card .rs .src{display:block;margin-top:7px;font-size:13px;letter-spacing:.02em}\n\n\/* ---- the matrix ----\n   Two axes, four positions. A grid rather than a picture, so the labels are\n   real text and the whole thing reflows. *\/\n.att-mx{display:grid;grid-template-columns:auto 1fr 1fr;gap:10px}\n.att-mx .cnr{grid-column:1;grid-row:1}\n.att-mx .colhd{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.13em;text-transform:uppercase;\n  color:#6d6675;text-align:center;padding-bottom:2px}\n.att-mx .rowhd{display:flex;align-items:center;justify-content:flex-end;text-align:right;\n  font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.13em;text-transform:uppercase;color:#6d6675;\n  max-width:112px;line-height:1.35;padding-right:4px}\n.att-mx .cell{border-radius:16px;padding:26px 22px;min-height:126px;\n  display:flex;flex-direction:column;justify-content:center}\n.att-mx .cell .nm{font-size:clamp(19px,2.2vw,23px);font-weight:700;line-height:1.15;margin:0;color:#1e1a24}\n.att-mx .cell .sb{font-size:14px;line-height:1.4;margin:5px 0 0;color:#3d3157}\n\n\/* ---- the two-dimension grid arriving as its own argument ----\n   Scoped under [data-eqp] so nothing moves in a context where the runtime did\n   not flag the document - a feed reader, or the block editor. Labels fade in\n   place, cells lift: the labels are the questions and the cells are the answer,\n   so only the answer travels. *\/\n[data-eqp] .att-mx[data-eq-anim] .cnr,\n[data-eqp] .att-mx[data-eq-anim] .colhd,\n[data-eqp] .att-mx[data-eq-anim] .rowhd{opacity:0;\n  transition:opacity .42s ease;transition-delay:calc(var(--i,0) * 110ms)}\n[data-eqp] .att-mx[data-eq-anim] .cell{opacity:0;transform:translateY(10px) scale(.985);\n  transition:opacity .44s ease,transform .48s cubic-bezier(.22,.61,.36,1);\n  transition-delay:calc(var(--i,0) * 110ms)}\n[data-eqp] .att-mx[data-eq-anim].eq-on .cnr,\n[data-eqp] .att-mx[data-eq-anim].eq-on .colhd,\n[data-eqp] .att-mx[data-eq-anim].eq-on .rowhd{opacity:1}\n[data-eqp] .att-mx[data-eq-anim].eq-on .cell{opacity:1;transform:none}\n@media(max-width:620px){\n  \/* --j counts only the elements that survive the breakpoint. *\/\n  [data-eqp] .att-mx[data-eq-anim] .colhd,\n  [data-eqp] .att-mx[data-eq-anim] .rowhd,\n  [data-eqp] .att-mx[data-eq-anim] .cell{transition-delay:calc(var(--j,0) * 110ms)}\n}\n\/* Both of these force the FINAL state, and the transition:none is load bearing\n   rather than tidiness: applying a stylesheet changes properties, which starts\n   transitions, which paint the start value - an invisible grid on paper. *\/\n@media(prefers-reduced-motion:reduce){\n  [data-eqp] .att-mx[data-eq-anim] .cnr,\n  [data-eqp] .att-mx[data-eq-anim] .colhd,\n  [data-eqp] .att-mx[data-eq-anim] .rowhd,\n  [data-eqp] .att-mx[data-eq-anim] .cell{transition:none!important;\n    opacity:1!important;transform:none!important}\n}\n@media print{\n  [data-eqp] .att-mx[data-eq-anim] .cnr,\n  [data-eqp] .att-mx[data-eq-anim] .colhd,\n  [data-eqp] .att-mx[data-eq-anim] .rowhd,\n  [data-eqp] .att-mx[data-eq-anim] .cell{transition:none!important;\n    opacity:1!important;transform:none!important}\n}\n\n\/* ---- beyond romance ----\n   Three rows, each labelled with the style it belongs to in that style's own\n   mark colour, so a reader can find their own row instead of reading all of\n   them. Deliberately lighter than the four style cards above it: no border, no\n   ground, no radius, just the name and a hairline between rows. It is an aside\n   in the middle of a part, and if it carried the same furniture as the cards it\n   would read as a fifth card.\n\n   On a phone the two columns become one, because at 390px a nowrap label plus a\n   line of prose leaves the prose about 200px, which sets four words to a line. *\/\n.att-beyond{display:grid;grid-template-columns:auto 1fr;gap:14px 18px;align-items:baseline}\n.att-beyond .nm{font-size:15px;font-weight:700;line-height:1.4;white-space:nowrap;letter-spacing:.02em}\n.att-beyond .tx{font-size:17px;line-height:1.62;margin:0;color:#1e1a24}\n.att-beyond .rl{grid-column:1 \/ -1;height:1px;background:#e6e1e8;margin:2px 0}\n@media(max-width:560px){\n  .att-beyond{grid-template-columns:1fr;gap:0}\n  .att-beyond .nm{margin-top:14px}\n  .att-beyond .rl{margin:14px 0 0}\n}\n\n\/* ---- a named thing, set in the article accent ----\n   The house default is bold in the accent and italics in ink, because\n   colouring both leaves neither meaning anything. This is the one exception\n   the author has asked for on two posts now: \"Strange Situation\" is the name\n   of an experiment rather than a stressed phrase, and the colour says \"this\n   is a thing with a name\". v2-emph.js decides which italics get the class,\n   and the list there is one entry long on purpose. *\/\n.eqp .eqi{color:#4c3d6b}\n\n\/* ---- the prevalence chart ----\n   Four bars on one scale. The numbers are text, so nothing depends on the bar. *\/\n.att-prev{display:grid;grid-template-columns:auto 1fr auto;gap:14px 16px;align-items:center}\n.att-prev .nm{font-size:16.5px;font-weight:700;line-height:1.3;white-space:nowrap}\n.att-prev .track{background:#e6e1e8;border-radius:999px;height:14px;width:100%;\n  overflow:hidden;position:relative}\n.att-prev .fill{height:100%;border-radius:999px}\n\/* The halfway tick. It sits ABOVE the fill, because the only bar that crosses\n   it is secure and that is exactly the bar the reader needs to place. Muted\n   ink at low opacity reads on the empty track and on all four fills. *\/\n.att-prev .track::after{content:\"\";position:absolute;left:50%;top:0;bottom:0;width:1px;\n  background:#1e1a24;opacity:.28;z-index:2}\n\/* The scale, stated. Without it a bar is a shape rather than a quantity. *\/\n.att-prev .axr{grid-column:2 \/ 3;display:flex;justify-content:space-between;\n  font-size:12px;color:#6d6675;font-variant-numeric:tabular-nums;margin-top:-6px}\n.att-prev .val{font-size:16px;font-variant-numeric:tabular-nums;color:#1e1a24;white-space:nowrap}\n.att-prev .src{grid-column:1 \/ -1;font-size:13.5px;color:#6d6675;margin:0;padding-left:2px}\n\n\/* ---- a worked example standing on its own (Maya) ---- *\/\n.att-vig{border-left:4px solid #4c3d6b;padding:2px 0 2px 26px}\n.att-vig .who{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.14em;text-transform:uppercase;\n  color:#6d6675;margin:0 0 9px}\n.att-vig p.tx{font-size:18.5px;line-height:1.62;color:#1e1a24;margin:0}\n\n@media(max-width:860px){\n  .att-card .cols{grid-template-columns:1fr;gap:22px}\n}\n@media(max-width:620px){\n  .att-mx{grid-template-columns:1fr 1fr}\n  .att-mx .cnr{display:none}\n  .att-mx .rowhd{grid-column:1 \/ -1;max-width:none;justify-content:flex-start;text-align:left;\n    padding:6px 0 0}\n  .att-mx .colhd{grid-column:auto}\n}\n@media(max-width:620px){\n@media(max-width:520px){\n  .att-card{padding:24px 22px 0;border-radius:16px}\n  .att-card .ex{margin:22px -22px 0;padding:20px 22px 22px}\n  .att-card .pc{margin-left:0;text-align:left}\n  .att-mx .cell{padding:20px 16px;min-height:104px}\n  .att-part{gap:16px}\n  .att-prev{grid-template-columns:1fr auto}\n  .att-prev .axr{grid-column:1 \/ -1}\n  .att-prev .track{grid-column:1 \/ -1}\n}\n\n}<\/style><style>\n\/* ---- house glossary card (one standard, every article) ----\n   Trigger: a dotted underline in the article accent, quiet enough to ignore\n   and different enough from a link to never be mistaken for one.\n   Card: warm ground, a full height accent rule down the left edge, and the\n   term name on a faint band of the article own hue. That tint is the accent\n   hue held at 94.5% lightness, not a percentage mix into the ground, because\n   mixing a dark colour into near white greys it instead of tinting it.\n   Colours ship as constants: the accent varies by article and each tint has\n   to be checked for contrast, so it is solved once rather than at runtime. *\/\n.eqp .eq-term{position:relative;display:inline;border-bottom:1.5px dotted #4c3d6b;cursor:help;outline:none}\n.eqp .eq-term:focus-visible{outline:2px solid #4c3d6b;outline-offset:3px;border-radius:3px}\n.eqp .eq-def{position:absolute;left:50%;bottom:calc(100% + 12px);z-index:40;width:min(320px,78vw);box-sizing:border-box;transform:translateX(-50%) translateY(4px);margin-left:var(--sx,0px);opacity:0;visibility:hidden;pointer-events:none;background:#fffdfb;border:1.5px solid #dde1e1;border-left:3px solid #4c3d6b;border-radius:8px;overflow:hidden;padding:13px 16px 14px;box-shadow:0 10px 30px rgba(20,30,40,.13);font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:14.5px;line-height:1.55;font-style:normal;font-weight:400;color:#26302f;text-align:left;transition:opacity .16s ease,transform .16s ease}\n\/* The band is the b element pulled out to the padding edge, so no wrapper is\n   needed around the definition text and the markup stays exactly as it was. *\/\n.eqp .eq-def b{display:block;font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:11px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.13em;text-transform:uppercase;color:#4c3d6b;margin:-13px -16px 12px;padding:10px 16px 9px;background:#f0edf5;border-bottom:1px solid #dde1e1}\n.eqp .eq-def b .dt{font-style:normal;font-weight:400;opacity:.72}\n.eqp .eq-def b .dt::before{content:\"\\00B7\";margin:0 .5em;opacity:.65}\n.eqp .eq-term:hover .eq-def,.eqp .eq-term:focus .eq-def,.eqp .eq-term:focus-within .eq-def{opacity:1;visibility:visible;pointer-events:auto;transform:translateX(-50%) translateY(0)}\n\/* On a phone the card pins to the bottom edge, the one position that cannot\n   be pushed off screen, so the nudge script is not needed there. *\/\n@media(max-width:600px){.eqp .eq-def{position:fixed;left:12px;right:12px;bottom:14px;top:auto;width:auto;max-width:none;margin-left:0;transform:translateY(10px);font-size:15.5px}\n.eqp .eq-term:hover .eq-def,.eqp .eq-term:focus .eq-def,.eqp .eq-term:focus-within .eq-def{transform:translateY(0)}}\n@media(prefers-reduced-motion:reduce){.eqp .eq-def{transition:none;transform:translateX(calc(-50% + var(--sx,0px)))}}\n@media print{.eqp .eq-def{display:none}.eqp .eq-term{border-bottom:0}}\n<\/style><style>\n\/* ---- glossary popups ---- *\/\n\n\/* THE PAGE MUST NOT SCROLL SIDEWAYS BECAUSE OF A CARD NOBODY CAN SEE. A hidden\n   absolutely positioned box still extends the scrollable width, and a card\n   centred on a word near the right edge hangs off it until the script nudges it\n   back. The script does that on load, but \"on load\" is a moving target: web\n   fonts reflow the line after it, and the sleep article was still scrolling\n   41px sideways at 720px on some loads and not others.\n\n   overflow-x:clip settles it without depending on timing at all. Not hidden:\n   clip does not make this a scroll container, so anything sticky inside keeps\n   sticking and overflow-y stays visible. The clip edge is the page box, and a\n   320px card centred on a word inside the measure column has a couple of\n   hundred pixels of slack before it can reach that edge, so on a desktop it\n   never clips anything; on a narrow screen the clip edge is the viewport, which\n   is where the script is putting the card anyway. *\/\n.eqp{overflow-x:clip}\n\/* A popup means nothing on paper, and nothing is lost: every glossed term keeps\n   the author's own sentence around it. *\/\n\n<\/style><script>\n(function(){\n  \/* The sheet is the first block on the page, so at parse time not one .gl\n     exists yet and binding straight away binds to nothing. It did, silently:\n     the cards still opened, because opening is pure CSS, and only the nudge was\n     missing. Wait for the document instead. *\/\n  function bind(){\n    var gl=document.querySelectorAll('.eqp .eq-term');\n    if(!gl.length){return;}\n    \/* MEASURE THE TERM, NOT THE CARD. 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aria-hidden=\"true\"><i><\/i><\/div><nav id=\"eqp-parts\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><a href=\"#part-1\" data-i=\"1\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"dot\"><\/span><span class=\"lbl\">Where the idea comes from<\/span><\/a><a href=\"#part-2\" data-i=\"2\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"dot\"><\/span><span class=\"lbl\">The four styles<\/span><\/a><a href=\"#part-3\" data-i=\"3\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"dot\"><\/span><span class=\"lbl\">How it shows up in adult life<\/span><\/a><a href=\"#part-4\" data-i=\"4\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"dot\"><\/span><span class=\"lbl\">None of this is fixed<\/span><\/a><\/nav><button id=\"eqp-top\" type=\"button\" aria-label=\"Back to the top of the article\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 12 12\" aria-hidden=\"true\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M6 10.5V2M2 5.5 6 1.5l4 4\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" 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if(blocked(b)){off=true;}\n}\nb.classList.toggle(OFF,off);\n}\nfunction ask(){\nif(busy){return;}\nbusy=true;\nif(window.requestAnimationFrame){window.requestAnimationFrame(sync);}\nelse{window.setTimeout(sync,50);}\n}\nwindow.addEventListener(\"scroll\",ask,{passive:true});\nwindow.addEventListener(\"resize\",ask);\nwindow.addEventListener(\"orientationchange\",ask);\nwindow.addEventListener(\"load\",ask);\ndocument.addEventListener(\"focusin\",function(e){typing=field(e.target);ask();});\ndocument.addEventListener(\"focusout\",function(){typing=false;ask();});\nif(MQ){\nif(MQ.addEventListener){MQ.addEventListener(\"change\",ask);}\nelse if(MQ.addListener){MQ.addListener(ask);}\n}\nask();\n})();<\/script>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group alignfull eqp has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-69fa9525 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;padding:0px 22px\">\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n<div style=\"color:#6d6675;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.455), 18px);font-style:normal;font-weight:400;margin-top:54px;margin-bottom:0\" class=\"has-link-color wp-elements-1 wp-block-post-date has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\"><time datetime=\"2024-12-03T10:00:00+01:00\">3 prosinca, 2024<\/time><\/div>\n\n<div style=\"color:#6d6675;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.455), 18px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;text-transform:uppercase;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0\" class=\"taxonomy-category has-link-color wp-elements-2 wp-block-post-terms has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\"><a href=\"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/category\/relationship\/\" rel=\"tag\">Relationships<\/a><\/div>\n\n\n<h1 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-playfair-display-font-family\" id=\"top\" style=\"color:#2a2622;margin-top:12px;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(24.034px, 1.502rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 1.814), 40px);font-style:normal;font-weight:800;line-height:1.15\">Understanding Attachment Styles<\/h1>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#57506a;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:22px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.55\">Where attachment theory comes from, what the four adult styles feel like from the inside, how they show up with partners, friends and at work, and why none of them is fixed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"eq-credit\" style=\"--eq-credit-ac:#4c3d6b\">Written by <a href=\"\/our-team-ivana\/\" rel=\"author\">Ivana<\/a>, psychologist and psychotherapist<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#6d6675;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.114), 15px);line-height:1.5\"><strong style=\"color:#4c3d6b\">13 minute read<\/strong> &nbsp;&middot;&nbsp; 2,907 words &nbsp;&middot;&nbsp; four styles<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<!-- eq-post-top -->\n<div class=\"pt-on\" hidden data-src=\"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/10\/attachment-styles-post-top.jpg\" data-w=\"470\" data-aspect=\"0.415\" data-side=\"left\" data-bleed=\"LB\"><\/div>\n<script>\n\/* Post tops: turns the post's masthead group into the cream band and adds the\n   drawing beside the words. 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Another hears the beginning of the end. A third feels a flicker of relief that\u2019s a little hard to admit. If you\u2019ve ever wondered why the same words land so differently, part of the answer may lie in <strong class=\"eqb\">attachment theory, the idea that our earliest relationships teach us what to expect from closeness<\/strong>, and that those expectations follow us into the relationships we have now.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-background has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-dffd5825 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"border-color:#e6e1e8;border-width:1.5px;border-style:solid;border-radius:22px;background-color:#faf7fb;margin-top:56px;margin-bottom:20px;padding:40px 44px 34px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#6d6675;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:22px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">WHAT THIS ARTICLE COVERS &middot; FOUR PARTS<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-rank-math-toc-block\">\n<div class=\"eq-toc\"><details><summary><svg class=\"chev\" viewBox=\"0 0 12 12\" aria-hidden=\"true\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M4 2l4 4-4 4\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"\/><\/svg><span class=\"num\">PART 1<\/span><span class=\"ttl\">Where the idea comes from<\/span><span class=\"cnt\"><span class=\"sec\">1 section<\/span><span class=\"sep\"> &middot; <\/span>1 min<\/span><\/summary><ul><li><a href=\"#bowlby-ainsworth-and-the-strange-situation\">Bowlby, Ainsworth, and the Strange Situation<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/details><details><summary><svg class=\"chev\" viewBox=\"0 0 12 12\" aria-hidden=\"true\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M4 2l4 4-4 4\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"\/><\/svg><span class=\"num\">PART 2<\/span><span class=\"ttl\">The four styles<\/span><span class=\"cnt\"><span class=\"sec\">7 sections<\/span><span class=\"sep\"> &middot; <\/span>5 min<\/span><\/summary><ul><li><a href=\"#two-dimensions-rather-than-four-boxes\">Two dimensions rather than four boxes<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#what-it-looks-like-on-an-ordinary-evening\">What it looks like on an ordinary evening<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#secure-attachment\">Secure<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#anxious-attachment\">Anxious (preoccupied)<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#avoidant-attachment\">Avoidant (dismissing)<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#fearful-attachment\">Fearful&#45;avoidant<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#where-do-you-sit\">Where do you sit?<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/details><details><summary><svg class=\"chev\" viewBox=\"0 0 12 12\" aria-hidden=\"true\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M4 2l4 4-4 4\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"\/><\/svg><span class=\"num\">PART 3<\/span><span class=\"ttl\">How it shows up in adult life<\/span><span class=\"cnt\"><span class=\"sec\">3 sections<\/span><span class=\"sep\"> &middot; <\/span>3 min<\/span><\/summary><ul><li><a href=\"#how-attachment-styles-affect-adult-relationships\">How attachment styles affect adult relationships<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#when-one-of-you-reaches-and-the-other-retreats\">When one of you reaches and the other retreats<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#can-you-have-more-than-one-attachment-style\">Can you have more than one attachment style?<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/details><details><summary><svg class=\"chev\" viewBox=\"0 0 12 12\" aria-hidden=\"true\" focusable=\"false\"><path d=\"M4 2l4 4-4 4\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"\/><\/svg><span class=\"num\">PART 4<\/span><span class=\"ttl\">None of this is fixed<\/span><span class=\"cnt\"><span class=\"sec\">4 sections<\/span><span class=\"sep\"> &middot; <\/span>2 min<\/span><\/summary><ul><li><a href=\"#can-your-attachment-style-change\">Can your attachment style change?<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#if-you-lean-one-way\">If you lean one way<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#earned-security\">Earned security<\/a><\/li><li><a href=\"#where-therapy-fits\">Where therapy fits<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/details><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:92px;margin-bottom:34px\"><div class=\"att att-part tab\"><div class=\"no\">01<\/div><div class=\"tx\"><p class=\"lb\">Part one of four<\/p><h2 id=\"part-1\">Where the idea comes from<\/h2><p class=\"sb\">Bowlby, Ainsworth, and the experiment that turned a theory into something you could watch<\/p><\/div><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"bowlby-ainsworth-and-the-strange-situation\" style=\"color:#2a2433;margin-top:80px;margin-bottom:20px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Bowlby, Ainsworth, and the Strange Situation<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Attachment theory began with the British psychiatrist <span class=\"eq-term\" tabindex=\"0\" aria-describedby=\"gd-1\">John Bowlby<span class=\"eq-def\" role=\"tooltip\" id=\"gd-1\"><b>John Bowlby <i class=\"dt\">1907 to 1990<\/i><\/b>British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst. Much of his early work was with children separated from their families, and a 1951 report he wrote for the World Health Organization argued that young children need a warm, continuous relationship with a caregiver.<\/span><\/span> in the middle of the twentieth century. His big idea was that we\u2019re born needing closeness, the same way we\u2019re born needing food. He noticed that how babies were cared for seemed to shape how they coped with being apart, and later how they handled relationships of their own.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Later, <span class=\"eq-term\" tabindex=\"0\" aria-describedby=\"gd-2\">Mary Ainsworth<span class=\"eq-def\" role=\"tooltip\" id=\"gd-2\"><b>Mary Ainsworth <i class=\"dt\">1913 to 1999<\/i><\/b>Developmental psychologist, born in the United States and raised in Canada. Before the Strange Situation, she spent months watching mothers and babies at home, first in Uganda and later in Baltimore.<\/span><\/span>, a developmental psychologist, put Bowlby\u2019s ideas to the test with a short observation called the <em class=\"eqi\">Strange Situation<\/em>. A baby and parent spend a few minutes in an unfamiliar playroom, the parent slips out briefly and then comes back, and researchers watch what the baby does at the reunion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Ainsworth described three patterns: secure, avoidant and anxious&#45;ambivalent. In the 1980s, Mary Main and Judith Solomon added a fourth, disorganized, for babies whose reactions didn\u2019t fit any of the three. It was only years later that researchers started asking whether adults show something similar in their closest relationships. <strong class=\"eqb\">The patterns were first seen in babies, and only later traced into adult love.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Here\u2019s what the Strange Situation looks like in practice. Keep an eye on what the baby does when the parent comes back, because that reunion is the moment researchers watch most closely.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-embed is-type-video is-provider-youtube wp-block-embed-youtube wp-embed-aspect-4-3 wp-has-aspect-ratio\" style=\"margin-top:0;margin-bottom:46px\"><div class=\"wp-block-embed__wrapper\">\n<iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"The Strange Situation - Mary Ainsworth\" width=\"500\" height=\"375\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/QTsewNrHUHU?feature=oembed\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share\" referrerpolicy=\"strict-origin-when-cross-origin\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe>\n<\/div><\/figure>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<style>.eqp .eq-kp{display:grid;grid-template-columns:auto minmax(0,1fr);gap:4px 16px;align-items:start;background:#f3f0f7;border:0;border-left:4px solid #4c3d6b;border-radius:4px 18px 18px 4px;padding:20px 26px;margin:6px 0 34px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:1\/3;width:40px;height:40px;border-radius:50%;background:#fff;color:#4c3d6b;display:flex;align-items:center;justify-content:center}.eqp .eq-kp .mk svg{width:21px;height:21px}.eqp .eq-kp .k{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.16em;text-transform:uppercase;color:#4c3d6b;margin:2px 0 4px}.eqp .eq-kp .t{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:clamp(15px,calc(10.6px + .72vw),19px);font-weight:500;line-height:1.55;color:#1e1a24;margin:0}@media(max-width:560px){.eqp .eq-kp{grid-template-columns:minmax(0,1fr);padding:18px 20px}.eqp .eq-kp .mk{grid-row:auto;width:34px;height:34px}}<\/style><aside class=\"eq-kp\"><span class=\"mk\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"><path d=\"M6.5 3.5h11a1 1 0 0 1 1 1v15.6a.5.5 0 0 1-.78.42L12 16.4l-5.72 4.12a.5.5 0 0 1-.78-.42V4.5a1 1 0 0 1 1-1z\"\/><\/svg><\/span><p class=\"k\">Worth remembering<\/p><p class=\"t\">Ainsworth saw three patterns in babies. The four adult styles you\u2019ll read about next came decades later, from research on adults.<\/p><\/aside>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:92px;margin-bottom:34px\"><div class=\"att att-part tab\"><div class=\"no\">02<\/div><div class=\"tx\"><p class=\"lb\">Part two of four<\/p><h2 id=\"part-2\">The four styles<\/h2><p class=\"sb\">Where you sit on two sliding scales, and what each corner feels like from the inside<\/p><\/div><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"two-dimensions-rather-than-four-boxes\" style=\"color:#2a2433;margin-top:80px;margin-bottom:20px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Two dimensions rather than four boxes<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">The four adult styles are usually presented as a list. They\u2019re better read as a field with two dimensions: <strong class=\"eqb\">how much you worry about closeness, and how much you avoid it.<\/strong> Even Ainsworth\u2019s baby patterns, it turns out, sort along two very similar lines.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div class=\"eq-rev\" style=\"margin-top:54px;margin-bottom:54px\"><figure class=\"att\" style=\"margin:0\"><div class=\"att-mx\" data-eq-anim><div class=\"cnr\" style=\"--i:0\"><\/div><div class=\"colhd\" style=\"--i:1;--j:0\">Low anxiety<\/div><div class=\"colhd\" style=\"--i:2;--j:1\">High anxiety<\/div><div class=\"rowhd\" style=\"--i:3;--j:2\">Low avoidance<\/div><div class=\"cell\" style=\"background:#dcf0f2;--i:4;--j:3\"><p class=\"nm\">Secure<\/p><\/div><div class=\"cell\" style=\"background:#f6ead8;--i:5;--j:4\"><p class=\"nm\">Anxious<\/p><p class=\"sb\">Preoccupied<\/p><\/div><div class=\"rowhd\" style=\"--i:6;--j:5\">High avoidance<\/div><div class=\"cell\" style=\"background:#e3eaf3;--i:7;--j:6\"><p class=\"nm\">Avoidant<\/p><p class=\"sb\">Dismissive<\/p><\/div><div class=\"cell\" style=\"background:#f4e2ea;--i:8;--j:7\"><p class=\"nm\">Fearful&#45;avoidant<\/p><\/div><\/div><figcaption class=\"cap\">Secure sits low on both scales. Fearful sits high on both, which is why it reads as a mix of the other two. The axes are continuous, so <strong class=\"eqb\">most people sit somewhere on the field rather than squarely in a corner<\/strong>, which Part 3 comes back to.<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">In most studies, somewhere between half and three in five adults have a mostly secure attachment style, and secure is the most common style in most of the countries that have been studied. How everyone else divides up depends a lot on who\u2019s asked and how, which is one more reason to think of these as sliding scales rather than four boxes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"what-it-looks-like-on-an-ordinary-evening\" style=\"color:#2a2433;margin-top:80px;margin-bottom:20px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">What it looks like on an ordinary evening<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">You send a message that matters to you, and the reply doesn\u2019t come. One person puts the phone down and gets on with the evening. Another checks it every few minutes and starts rereading what they wrote, looking for the mistake. A third is a little relieved by the quiet, and then takes a day to answer the next message. It\u2019s the same silence, and it makes three very different nights.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">That\u2019s your attachment style in everyday life. It shows up less in big dramatic moments and more in small, automatic reactions whenever someone you care about feels close, or far away. When you lean anxious, your system tends to turn the volume up: you notice every sign of distance and reach harder for reassurance. When you lean avoidant, it tends to turn the volume down: you play down what you need and reach for space. <strong class=\"eqb\">Neither reaction is a flaw. Each one is a way you learned to stay safe with the people you needed.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"eq-rev\" style=\"margin-top:40px;margin-bottom:40px\"><div class=\"att att-card\" style=\"border-left-color:#238093\"><div class=\"hd\"><h3 id=\"secure-attachment\" style=\"color:#238093\">Secure<\/h3><p class=\"ax\">low anxiety &nbsp;&middot;&nbsp; low avoidance<\/p><\/div><div class=\"cols\"><div><p class=\"eyb\">In relationships<\/p><ul><li>People with a secure attachment style are comfortable with closeness, trust the people they love, and keep healthy boundaries.<\/li><li>They can be close to someone without constantly fearing they\u2019ll be left, and without leaning on them for everything.<\/li><\/ul><\/div><div><p class=\"eyb\">Where it comes from<\/p><ul><li>Children whose caregivers are, most of the time, warm and responsive are more likely to become secure.<\/li><li>That care gives them comfort and a sense of safety, so they can explore the world with confidence, knowing there\u2019s a reliable base to come back to.<\/li><\/ul><\/div><\/div><div class=\"ex\" style=\"background:#dcf0f2\"><p><b>Emma<\/b> is in a long&#45;term relationship. When her partner needs space to focus on work, she doesn\u2019t feel threatened. <strong class=\"eqb\">She knows the connection doesn\u2019t disappear just because they\u2019re apart for a while.<\/strong> She\u2019s open about how she feels, and she trusts her partner to be open too.<\/p><\/div><div class=\"rs\"><p>People who are more secure tend to have happier, steadier relationships, and to find the stress in them easier to handle.<\/p><\/div><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"eq-rev\" style=\"margin-top:40px;margin-bottom:40px\"><div class=\"att att-card\" style=\"border-left-color:#a86412\"><div class=\"hd\"><h3 id=\"anxious-attachment\" style=\"color:#a86412\">Anxious <span class=\"sub\">(preoccupied)<\/span><\/h3><p class=\"ax\">high anxiety &nbsp;&middot;&nbsp; low avoidance<\/p><\/div><div class=\"cols\"><div><p class=\"eyb\">In relationships<\/p><ul><li>People with an anxious attachment style often long for closeness but worry about whether their partner really cares, or will stay.<\/li><li>They may look for a lot of reassurance, and a small sign of distance can feel much bigger than it is.<\/li><\/ul><\/div><div><p class=\"eyb\">Where it comes from<\/p><ul><li>This style is more common in people whose early care felt unpredictable: loving at some moments and hard to reach at others.<\/li><li>Early care is only part of the story, though. Later relationships and friendships leave their mark too, and twin studies suggest genes play some part.<\/li><\/ul><\/div><\/div><div class=\"ex\" style=\"background:#f6ead8\"><p><b>Nina<\/b> tends to overthink every little thing her partner does. If they don\u2019t text back quickly, she fears they\u2019re losing interest or pulling away (read receipts have a lot to answer for). <strong class=\"eqb\">No amount of comfort seems to fully ease her fears.<\/strong><\/p><\/div><div class=\"rs\"><p>People who lean anxious tend to feel more stress in their relationships, and they\u2019re more prone to <span class=\"eq-term\" tabindex=\"0\" aria-describedby=\"gd-3\"><em>rumination<\/em><span class=\"eq-def\" role=\"tooltip\" id=\"gd-3\"><b>rumination<\/b>Turning the same worry over and over without arriving anywhere. It differs from thinking a problem through in that it does not resolve, and tends to keep distress going.<\/span><\/span> and emotional highs and lows.<\/p><\/div><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"eq-rev\" style=\"margin-top:40px;margin-bottom:40px\"><div class=\"att att-card\" style=\"border-left-color:#3f6591\"><div class=\"hd\"><h3 id=\"avoidant-attachment\" style=\"color:#3f6591\">Avoidant <span class=\"sub\">(dismissing)<\/span><\/h3><p class=\"ax\">low anxiety &nbsp;&middot;&nbsp; high avoidance<\/p><\/div><div class=\"cols\"><div><p class=\"eyb\">In relationships<\/p><ul><li>People with an avoidant attachment style value their independence so much that closeness can start to feel like pressure.<\/li><li>They often keep their feelings to themselves and prefer to handle hard things alone.<\/li><\/ul><\/div><div><p class=\"eyb\">Where it comes from<\/p><ul><li>This style is more common in people whose feelings were often met with distance or discouragement, so leaning on themselves felt safer than leaning on someone else.<\/li><li>Like every style, it can also be shaped by what happens later in life.<\/li><\/ul><\/div><\/div><div class=\"ex\" style=\"background:#e3eaf3\"><p><b>Jake<\/b> enjoys dating, but as soon as someone starts getting close, he pulls back. <strong class=\"eqb\">The moment a relationship starts to feel serious, he finds a reason to step away<\/strong>, sometimes by going quiet altogether.<\/p><\/div><div class=\"rs\"><p>People who lean avoidant tend to feel less satisfied and less connected in their relationships, often because keeping some distance feels safer.<\/p><\/div><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"eq-rev\" style=\"margin-top:40px;margin-bottom:40px\"><div class=\"att att-card\" style=\"border-left-color:#9b3f6e\"><div class=\"hd\"><h3 id=\"fearful-attachment\" style=\"color:#9b3f6e\">Fearful&#45;avoidant<\/h3><p class=\"ax\">high anxiety &nbsp;&middot;&nbsp; high avoidance<\/p><\/div><div class=\"cols\"><div><p class=\"eyb\">In relationships<\/p><ul><li>People with a fearful&#45;avoidant attachment style want closeness and are frightened of it at the same time.<\/li><li>They may swing between reaching out and pulling away, which can be confusing for them and for the people close to them.<\/li><\/ul><\/div><div><p class=\"eyb\">Where it comes from<\/p><ul><li>This style is more common in people who grew up with frightening or chaotic experiences, such as abuse, neglect or a home under heavy strain, where the person who should have been a comfort was sometimes a source of fear.<\/li><li>But it isn\u2019t proof of a hard past, and plenty of people with this style don\u2019t have one.<\/li><\/ul><\/div><\/div><div class=\"ex\" style=\"background:#f4e2ea\"><p><b>Mark<\/b> wants to feel close to his partner but is terrified of being hurt. Sometimes he showers his partner with affection, and at other times he goes quiet and distant without quite knowing why himself. <strong class=\"eqb\">His fear of being rejected keeps him from fully letting anyone in.<\/strong><\/p><\/div><div class=\"rs\"><p>This combination often goes with finding strong feelings hard to manage, and with relationships that feel stormy and uncertain. You\u2019ll sometimes see this style called \u201cdisorganized.\u201d That word really belongs to a pattern researchers see in babies, which is related but not the same thing.<\/p><\/div><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n<style>.eqp .eq-kc{display:grid;grid-template-columns:auto minmax(0,1fr);gap:4px 16px;align-items:start;background:#f4e2ea;border:0;border-left:4px solid #9b3f6e;border-radius:4px 18px 18px 4px;padding:20px 26px;margin:6px 0 34px}.eqp .eq-kc .mk{grid-row:1\/3;width:40px;height:40px;border-radius:50%;background:#fff;color:#9b3f6e;display:flex;align-items:center;justify-content:center}.eqp .eq-kc .mk svg{width:21px;height:21px}.eqp .eq-kc .k{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.16em;text-transform:uppercase;color:#9b3f6e;margin:2px 0 4px}.eqp .eq-kc .t{font-family:\"Work Sans\",sans-serif;font-size:clamp(15px,calc(10.6px + .72vw),19px);font-weight:500;line-height:1.55;color:#1e1a24;margin:0}@media(max-width:560px){.eqp .eq-kc{grid-template-columns:minmax(0,1fr);padding:18px 20px}.eqp .eq-kc .mk{grid-row:auto;width:34px;height:34px}}<\/style><aside class=\"eq-kc\"><span class=\"mk\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><svg viewBox=\"0 0 24 24\" fill=\"none\" stroke=\"currentColor\" stroke-width=\"1.7\" stroke-linecap=\"round\" stroke-linejoin=\"round\"><path d=\"M6.5 3.5h11a1 1 0 0 1 1 1v15.6a.5.5 0 0 1-.78.42L12 16.4l-5.72 4.12a.5.5 0 0 1-.78-.42V4.5a1 1 0 0 1 1-1z\"\/><\/svg><\/span><p class=\"k\">Careful<\/p><p class=\"t\">A disorganized pattern in a baby isn\u2019t proof that the child was mistreated, and a fearful style in an adult isn\u2019t proof of a traumatic past. Abuse and neglect do make both much more likely, but so does a family living under heavy, ongoing strain, and plenty of people with this style had nothing like that happen to them. <strong>If this card sounds like you, it describes a pattern, not your history.<\/strong> If your past was hard, trauma&#45;informed therapy can help. If it wasn\u2019t, the pattern is still real, and still something you can work with.<\/p><\/aside>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"where-do-you-sit\" style=\"color:#2a2433;margin-top:80px;margin-bottom:20px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Where do you sit?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Now that you\u2019ve met all four attachment styles, here\u2019s a way to think about where you usually land. Move the two sliders to where you tend to be with someone close to you, and see where that puts you on the field.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div class=\"eq-rev\" style=\"margin-top:30px;margin-bottom:50px\"><figure class=\"att att-sit\" id=\"att-sit\" style=\"margin:0\" role=\"group\" aria-label=\"Where do you sit? A reflection, not a test\"><p class=\"note\">This is a way to reflect, not a test or a diagnosis. Nothing you choose is saved or sent anywhere.<\/p><div class=\"grid\"><div class=\"ctl\"><label for=\"att-a\"><span class=\"q\">How much do you worry about closeness?<\/span><span class=\"ends\"><span>Rarely<\/span><span>A lot<\/span><\/span><\/label><input type=\"range\" id=\"att-a\" min=\"0\" max=\"100\" value=\"28\"><label for=\"att-v\"><span class=\"q\">How much do you keep people at arm\u2019s length?<\/span><span class=\"ends\"><span>Rarely<\/span><span>A lot<\/span><\/span><\/label><input type=\"range\" id=\"att-v\" min=\"0\" max=\"100\" value=\"28\"><p class=\"out\" id=\"att-out\" aria-live=\"polite\">You\u2019re leaning toward the secure corner, but not sitting in it. Most people land somewhere around here, away from the edges.<\/p><\/div><div class=\"fld\" aria-hidden=\"true\"><div class=\"q1\" style=\"background:#dcf0f2\"><span>Secure<\/span><\/div><div class=\"q2\" style=\"background:#f6ead8\"><span>Anxious<\/span><\/div><div class=\"q3\" style=\"background:#e3eaf3\"><span>Avoidant<\/span><\/div><div class=\"q4\" style=\"background:#f4e2ea\"><span>Fearful&#45;avoidant<\/span><\/div><span class=\"xl\">worry about closeness<\/span><span class=\"yl\">keeping distance<\/span><i class=\"dot\" id=\"att-dot\" style=\"left:28%;top:28%\"><\/i><\/div><\/div><figcaption class=\"cap\">Where you land can change with the person you have in mind, and over time.<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div><script>(function(){var root=document.getElementById(\"att-sit\");if(!root){return;}var a=document.getElementById(\"att-a\"),v=document.getElementById(\"att-v\"),dot=document.getElementById(\"att-dot\"),out=document.getElementById(\"att-out\");function say(x,y){var mid=x>34;if(mid){mid=x<66;}var mid2=y>34;if(mid2){mid2=y<66;}if(mid){if(mid2){return \"You\u2019re close to the middle of both scales, which is where most people are. You\u2019d probably recognize a little of every style in yourself.\";}}if(x<50){if(y<50){return \"You\u2019re leaning toward the secure corner, but not sitting in it. Most people land somewhere around here, away from the edges.\";}return \"You\u2019re leaning avoidant: fairly calm about closeness, and happier with a bit of distance. Needing space isn\u2019t a flaw. It can just help to say so out loud.\";}if(y<50){return \"You\u2019re leaning anxious: closeness matters a lot to you, and distance can feel alarming. That\u2019s not being too much. It\u2019s a signal you learned to listen to closely.\";}return \"You\u2019re leaning fearful-avoidant: wanting closeness and bracing against it at once. That can be tiring to live with, and it\u2019s very workable, especially with support.\";}function draw(){var x=+a.value,y=+v.value;dot.style.left=x+\"%\";dot.style.top=y+\"%\";out.textContent=say(x,y);}a.addEventListener(\"input\",draw);v.addEventListener(\"input\",draw);draw();})();<\/script>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:92px;margin-bottom:34px\"><div class=\"att att-part tab\"><div class=\"no\">03<\/div><div class=\"tx\"><p class=\"lb\">Part three of four<\/p><h2 id=\"part-3\">How it shows up in adult life<\/h2><p class=\"sb\">Beyond romance, the chase and retreat cycle, and why most people recognize themselves in more than one style<\/p><\/div><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"how-attachment-styles-affect-adult-relationships\" style=\"color:#2a2433;margin-top:80px;margin-bottom:20px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">How attachment styles affect adult relationships<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Most research on adult attachment asks about romantic partners, but <strong class=\"eqb\">your attachment style shows up with friends, family and at work too.<\/strong> You have a style with your mother, your father, your closest friend and your partner, and they don\u2019t always match. They\u2019re related, a bit like cousins, but the one that best predicts how a particular relationship goes is the style you have in that relationship. At work, the same patterns turn up in how people handle feedback and colleagues. For example:<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:26px;margin-bottom:34px\"><div class=\"att att-beyond\"><div class=\"nm\" style=\"color:#238093\">Secure<\/div><p class=\"tx\">Tend to handle conflict constructively, seek support when needed, and balance independence with intimacy in all types of relationships.<\/p><div class=\"rl\"><\/div><div class=\"nm\" style=\"color:#a86412\">Anxious<\/div><p class=\"tx\">May struggle with trusting friends or colleagues, fearing rejection or abandonment in both personal and professional settings.<\/p><div class=\"rl\"><\/div><div class=\"nm\" style=\"color:#3f6591\">Avoidant<\/div><p class=\"tx\">Often prefer to keep a distance, avoiding emotional entanglements, whether with friends, partners, or coworkers.<\/p><div class=\"rl\"><\/div><div class=\"nm\" style=\"color:#9b3f6e\">Fearful&#45;avoidant<\/div><p class=\"tx\">May want to be close to friends and colleagues but hold back, expecting to be let down.<\/p><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">And if you\u2019re a parent reading this and running through a checklist, take a breath. Being responsive to your child matters, but it\u2019s one ingredient among many, and no parent gets it right every time. <strong class=\"eqb\">Children need a base that\u2019s reliable enough, not a parent who\u2019s perfect.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"when-one-of-you-reaches-and-the-other-retreats\" style=\"color:#2a2433;margin-top:80px;margin-bottom:20px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">When one of you reaches and the other retreats<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Plenty of couples will recognize this one. Something feels off, and one of you wants to talk about it right now. The other needs to go quiet first. The more one reaches, the more the other pulls back, and the more the other pulls back, the harder the first one reaches. By the end of the evening, you\u2019re both hurt, and neither of you got what you needed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Couples researchers call this the demand&#45;withdraw pattern, and it\u2019s one of the best&#45;studied patterns there is. It goes with unhappier relationships, whichever partner is doing the chasing. Attachment seems to play a part. In one study of newlyweds, couples with an anxious wife and an avoidant husband got physically stressed just waiting for a difficult conversation. During it, she found it hard to see when he was upset, and he found it hard to turn to her for support.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">The cycle is the problem, not either person in it.<\/strong> Once you can both name it, even just \u201cwe\u2019re doing the thing again,\u201d you can step out of it together. The one who chases slows down. The one who retreats says when they\u2019ll come back, and then really does come back. Small moments of turning back toward each other help the rest of the time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"can-you-have-more-than-one-attachment-style\" style=\"color:#2a2433;margin-top:80px;margin-bottom:20px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Can you have more than one attachment style?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">If an online quiz has ever told you that you\u2019re \u201can avoidant,\u201d it\u2019s worth knowing how researchers actually see attachment styles. When they\u2019ve tested whether people really fall into separate types, the answer keeps coming back no. <strong class=\"eqb\">Attachment works like a sliding scale, and it can shift from one relationship to the next.<\/strong> It works more like height than like blood type: everyone sits somewhere on the two scales, and most of us sit somewhere in the middle of both.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-e05b6100 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"border-left-color:#4c3d6b;border-left-width:4px;border-left-style:solid;border-radius:0px;margin-top:30px;margin-bottom:34px;padding:2px 0px 2px 26px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#6d6675;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:9px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.14em;line-height:1.4\">Maya<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.511), 18.5px);line-height:1.62\">Maya generally feels confident and secure in her close friendships, where she\u2019s able to express her needs and trust her friends. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, she often worries about being abandoned and needs constant reassurance from her partner. This shows a mix of secure and anxious attachment tendencies.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">A style describes how you\u2019ve learned to protect yourself. It isn\u2019t a verdict on who you are, and it isn\u2019t a diagnosis. That\u2019s worth remembering when \u201cavoidant\u201d gets thrown around online like an insult. Someone who needs space isn\u2019t broken, and someone who needs reassurance isn\u2019t too much!<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Someone who felt secure growing up can become more guarded, or more anxious, after a betrayal, a loss or a painful breakup. Studies that follow people over many years find that big life events like these are often where change happens.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Recognizing that you can have more than one attachment style can be a relief. The way you are with one person doesn\u2019t decide how you\u2019ll be with the next.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div style=\"margin-top:92px;margin-bottom:34px\"><div class=\"att att-part tab\"><div class=\"no\">04<\/div><div class=\"tx\"><p class=\"lb\">Part four of four<\/p><h2 id=\"part-4\">None of this is fixed<\/h2><p class=\"sb\">What can move, what moves it, and where a therapist actually helps<\/p><\/div><\/div><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d12c95ff wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"can-your-attachment-style-change\" style=\"color:#2a2433;margin-top:80px;margin-bottom:20px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Can your attachment style change?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">Attachment styles can change.<\/strong> On average, people become a little less anxious and a little less avoidant as they get older, and being in a relationship seems to help. Relationships don\u2019t only reveal your style. Over time, they can change it. When a partner meets anxiety with steady, specific reassurance, or gives an avoidant person room while staying warm, the insecure reaction tends to calm down. Being loved well, over time, is one of the ways people become more secure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Therapy can help too. When researchers pulled together studies of people in therapy, security tended to rise and attachment anxiety tended to fall, across many kinds of therapy, CBT included. Avoidance shifted less clearly, so it\u2019s a hopeful picture rather than a finished one. For couples, emotionally focused therapy is built around attachment and has good evidence for easing relationship distress, with signs that partners feel more secure with each other afterward. Mindfulness may help as well: people who are more mindful tend to be less anxious and less avoidant in their relationships, although it isn\u2019t yet clear which comes first.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"if-you-lean-one-way\" style=\"color:#2a2433;margin-top:80px;margin-bottom:20px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">If you lean one way<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-a859433a wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"border-left-color:#4c3d6b;border-left-width:4px;border-left-style:solid;border-radius:0px;margin-top:48px;margin-bottom:14px;padding:6px 0px 6px 30px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#2a2433;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-weight:600;line-height:1.45\">Most people are only as needy as their unmet needs.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#6d6675;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:48px;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.114), 15px);line-height:1.68\">Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, <em>Attached<\/em> (2010)<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">If you lean anxious, the urge to send one more message is a feeling, not an instruction. Try naming it to yourself first, something like \u201cI\u2019m scared they\u2019re pulling away,\u201d and give it ten minutes before you act on it (the phone will still be there). It helps to tell a partner plainly what reassures you, because a clear ask is so much easier to meet than a test. And build your footing outside the relationship too. Anxiety seems to ease most when you feel surer of your own worth, so friendships, work you\u2019re proud of and time alone that feels good all count.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">One caveat: if a partner keeps letting you down, or treats you badly, the worry may be an accurate read of the relationship, and the relationship is what needs looking at.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">If you lean avoidant, notice the moment you reach for space, and try staying one minute longer. Avoidance seems to loosen through small, low&#45;stakes experiences of relying on someone and finding that it goes fine. When you do need space, say so, and say when you\u2019ll be back, so it lands as a pause rather than a door closing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\"><strong class=\"eqb\">In both cases, the aim is to widen your range, so the old reaction becomes one option rather than the only one.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"earned-security\" style=\"color:#2a2433;margin-top:80px;margin-bottom:20px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Earned security<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">Some people had a hard start and have a secure attachment style anyway. Researchers call this earned security. It means a difficult childhood doesn\u2019t have to decide how you love as an adult. Most of this research uses a long interview about childhood, not the short questionnaires behind online quizzes. The two measure related but different things, so a quiz result and an interview result won\u2019t always agree.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">There\u2019s a catch, though. When adults are asked to look back, some who describe a rough childhood turn out to have had more support than they remember. But when children have been followed from infancy, some who started out insecure really did grow into secure adults with good relationships, and whether people changed often tracked what happened to them along the way. <strong class=\"eqb\">Where you started shapes you, but it doesn\u2019t get the last word.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"where-therapy-fits\" style=\"color:#2a2433;margin-top:80px;margin-bottom:20px;font-size:clamp(16.293px, 1.018rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.989), 25px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">Where therapy fits<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">If you\u2019re curious about your own attachment style and how it might be shaping your relationships, exploring it with a therapist can be a good first step. <strong class=\"eqb\">You don\u2019t need to know your style to start. Noticing the pattern is enough.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#1e1a24;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:26px;font-size:clamp(14.082px, 0.88rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.786), 21px);line-height:1.68\">In therapy, you can look at where the pattern started, what keeps it going now, and what you\u2019d like to do differently.<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-background has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-526d54f9 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"background-color:#faf7fb;border-color:#e6e1e8;border-width:1.5px;border-style:solid;border-radius:18px;margin-top:52px;margin-bottom:44px;padding:30px 34px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#6d6675;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:14px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">REFERENCES<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" style=\"color:#524a42;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:14px;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.227), 16px);line-height:1.7\">\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.4324\/9781315802428\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., &amp; Wall, S. (2015). <em>Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation<\/em>. Psychology Press. (Original work published 1978)<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1177\/1088868317705257\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Arriaga, X. B., Kumashiro, M., Simpson, J. A., &amp; Overall, N. C. (2018). Revising working models across time: Relationship situations that enhance attachment security. <em>Personality and Social Psychology Review, 22<\/em>(1), 71-96.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1037\/0022-3514.61.2.226\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Bartholomew, K., &amp; Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four&#45;category model. <em>Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61<\/em>(2), 226-244.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1037\/a0033056\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Beck, L. A., Pietromonaco, P. R., DeBuse, C. J., Powers, S. I., &amp; Sayer, A. G. (2013). Spouses\u2019 attachment pairings predict neuroendocrine, behavioral, and psychological responses to marital conflict. <em>Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 105<\/em>(3), 388-424.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Bowlby, J. (1969). <em>Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment<\/em>. Basic Books.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1111\/jmft.12139\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Burgess Moser, M., Johnson, S. M., Dalgleish, T. L., Lafontaine, M.&#45;F., Wiebe, S. A., &amp; Tasca, G. A. (2016). Changes in relationship&#45;specific attachment in emotionally focused couple therapy. <em>Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 42<\/em>(2), 231-245.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1037\/pspp0000167\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Chopik, W. J., Edelstein, R. S., &amp; Grimm, K. J. (2019). Longitudinal changes in attachment orientation over a 59&#45;year period. <em>Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 116<\/em>(4), 598-611.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1017\/S0954579409990289\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Cyr, C., Euser, E. M., Bakermans&#45;Kranenburg, M. J., &amp; van IJzendoorn, M. H. (2010). Attachment security and disorganization in maltreating and high&#45;risk families: A series of meta&#45;analyses. <em>Development and Psychopathology, 22<\/em>(1), 87-108.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1111\/j.1467-8624.1997.tb04218.x\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">De Wolff, M. S., &amp; van IJzendoorn, M. H. (1997). Sensitivity and attachment: A meta&#45;analysis on parental antecedents of infant attachment. <em>Child Development, 68<\/em>(4), 571-591.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1177\/0146167207309199\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Donnellan, M. B., Burt, S. A., Levendosky, A. A., &amp; Klump, K. L. (2008). Genes, personality, and attachment in adults: A multivariate behavioral genetic analysis. <em>Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 34<\/em>(1), 3-16.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1037\/a0022898\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Fraley, R. C., Heffernan, M. E., Vicary, A. M., &amp; Brumbaugh, C. C. (2011). The Experiences in Close Relationships&#45;Relationship Structures Questionnaire: A method for assessing attachment orientations across relationships. <em>Psychological Assessment, 23<\/em>(3), 615-625.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1037\/pspp0000027\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Fraley, R. C., Hudson, N. W., Heffernan, M. E., &amp; Segal, N. (2015). Are adult attachment styles categorical or dimensional? A taxometric analysis of general and relationship&#45;specific attachment orientations. <em>Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 109<\/em>(2), 354-368.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1037\/a0031435\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Fraley, R. C., Roisman, G. I., Booth&#45;LaForce, C., Owen, M. T., &amp; Holland, A. S. (2013). Interpersonal and genetic origins of adult attachment styles: A longitudinal study from infancy to early adulthood. <em>Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 104<\/em>(5), 817-838.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1037\/1089-2680.4.2.132\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Fraley, R. C., &amp; Shaver, P. R. (2000). Adult romantic attachment: Theoretical developments, emerging controversies, and unanswered questions. <em>Review of General Psychology, 4<\/em>(2), 132-154.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1037\/0012-1649.39.3.387\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Fraley, R. C., &amp; Spieker, S. J. (2003). Are infant attachment patterns continuously or categorically distributed? A taxometric analysis of Strange Situation behavior. <em>Developmental Psychology, 39<\/em>(3), 387-404.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1080\/14616734.2017.1354040\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Granqvist, P., Sroufe, L. A., Dozier, M., Hesse, E., Steele, M., van IJzendoorn, M., Solomon, J., Schuengel, C., Fearon, P., Bakermans&#45;Kranenburg, M., Steele, H., Cassidy, J., Carlson, E., Madigan, S., Jacobvitz, D., Foster, S., Behrens, K., Rifkin&#45;Graboi, A., Gribneau, N., . . . Duschinsky, R. (2017). Disorganized attachment in infancy: A review of the phenomenon and its implications for clinicians and policy&#45;makers. <em>Attachment &amp; Human Development, 19<\/em>(6), 534-558.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1037\/0022-3514.52.3.511\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Hazan, C., &amp; Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. <em>Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52<\/em>(3), 511-524.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1037\/0022-3514.59.2.270\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Hazan, C., &amp; Shaver, P. R. (1990). Love and work: An attachment&#45;theoretical perspective. <em>Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 59<\/em>(2), 270-280.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Levine, A., &amp; Heller, R. (2010). <em>Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find, and keep, love<\/em>. Jeremy P. Tarcher.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1002\/ejsp.1842\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Li, T., &amp; Chan, D. K.&#45;S. (2012). How anxious and avoidant attachment affect romantic relationship quality differently: A meta&#45;analytic review. <em>European Journal of Social Psychology, 42<\/em>(4), 406-419.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Main, M., &amp; Solomon, J. (1990). Procedures for identifying infants as disorganized\/disoriented during the Ainsworth Strange Situation. In M. T. Greenberg, D. Cicchetti, &amp; E. M. Cummings (Eds.), <em>Attachment in the preschool years: Theory, research, and intervention<\/em> (pp. 121-160). University of Chicago Press.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1037\/0022-3514.73.5.1092\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Mickelson, K. D., Kessler, R. C., &amp; Shaver, P. R. (1997). Adult attachment in a nationally representative sample. <em>Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73<\/em>(5), 1092-1106.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Mikulincer, M., &amp; Shaver, P. R. (2016). <em>Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change<\/em> (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1037\/0022-3514.92.4.678\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Roisman, G. I., Holland, A., Fortuna, K., Fraley, R. C., Clausell, E., &amp; Clarke, A. (2007). The Adult Attachment Interview and self&#45;reports of attachment style: An empirical rapprochement. <em>Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92<\/em>(4), 678-697.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1111\/1467-8624.00467\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Roisman, G. I., Padr\u00f3n, E., Sroufe, L. A., &amp; Egeland, B. (2002). Earned&#45;secure attachment status in retrospect and prospect. <em>Child Development, 73<\/em>(4), 1204-1219.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1177\/0022022104266105\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Schmitt, D. P., Alcalay, L., Allensworth, M., Allik, J., Ault, L., Austers, I., Bennett, K. L., Bianchi, G., Boholst, F., Borg Cunen, M. A., Braeckman, J., Brainerd, E. G., Jr., Caral, L. G. A., Caron, G., Casullo, M. M., Cunningham, M., Daibo, I., De Backer, C., De Souza, E., . . . Zupan\u010di\u010d, A. (2004). Patterns and universals of adult romantic attachment across 62 cultural regions: Are models of self and of other pancultural constructs? <em>Journal of Cross&#45;Cultural Psychology, 35<\/em>(4), 367-402.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1080\/03637751.2013.813632\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Schrodt, P., Witt, P. L., &amp; Shimkowski, J. R. (2014). A meta&#45;analytical review of the demand\/withdraw pattern of interaction and its associations with individual, relational, and communicative outcomes. <em>Communication Monographs, 81<\/em>(1), 28-58.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1037\/0022-3514.59.5.971\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Simpson, J. A. (1990). Influence of attachment styles on romantic relationships. <em>Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 59<\/em>(5), 971-980.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1177\/0963721413510933\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Simpson, J. A., &amp; Overall, N. C. (2014). Partner buffering of attachment insecurity. <em>Current Directions in Psychological Science, 23<\/em>(1), 54-59.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1037\/cfp0000233\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Spengler, P. M., Lee, N. A., Wiebe, S. A., &amp; Wittenborn, A. K. (2024). A comprehensive meta&#45;analysis on the efficacy of emotionally focused couple therapy. <em>Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 13<\/em>(2), 81-99.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1007\/s12671-017-0733-y\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Stevenson, J. C., Emerson, L.&#45;M., &amp; Millings, A. (2017). The relationship between adult attachment orientation and mindfulness: A systematic review and meta&#45;analysis. <em>Mindfulness, 8<\/em>(6), 1438-1455.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1080\/10503307.2014.886791\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Taylor, P., Rietzschel, J., Danquah, A., &amp; Berry, K. (2015). Changes in attachment representations during psychological therapy. <em>Psychotherapy Research, 25<\/em>(2), 222-238.<\/a><\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1111\/1467-8624.00176\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Waters, E., Merrick, S., Treboux, D., Crowell, J., &amp; Albersheim, L. (2000). Attachment security in infancy and early adulthood: A twenty&#45;year longitudinal study. <em>Child Development, 71<\/em>(3), 684-689.<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#6d6675;margin-top:30px;margin-bottom:14px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">BOOKS FROM OUR SHELF<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ol class=\"wp-block-list has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" style=\"color:#524a42;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:0;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.227), 16px);line-height:1.7\">\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/openlibrary.org\/works\/OL7909038W\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\" style=\"color:inherit;text-decoration:underline;text-underline-offset:3px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-color:rgba(76,61,107,.42)\">Johnson, S. M. (2008). <em>Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love<\/em>. Little, Brown.<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"eq-lastrev\" style=\"margin:34px 0 0;font-family:&quot;Work Sans&quot;,sans-serif;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.15em;text-transform:uppercase;line-height:1.5;color:#6d6675\">Last reviewed October 2026<\/p>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<style>.eqp{--rc-accent:#4c3d6b;--rc-band:#f0edf5;--rc-hover:#e4e0ed;--rc-bg:#faf7fb}.eqp .eq-rc-btn{display:none}.eqp .eq-rc{position:relative}.eqp .eq-rc li[hidden]{display:block;margin:0;padding:0;height:0;line-height:0;font-size:0}.eqp .eq-rc li.rc-off{display:none}.eqp .eq-rc.is-collapsed::after{content:\"\";position:absolute;left:0;right:0;bottom:0;height:76px;background:linear-gradient(to bottom,transparent,var(--rc-bg) 94%);pointer-events:none}.eqp .eq-rc ~ .eq-rc-btn{display:inline-flex;align-items:center;justify-content:center;gap:8px;box-sizing:border-box;min-width:260px;min-height:48px;margin:22px 0 0;padding:12px 26px;background:var(--rc-band);color:var(--rc-accent);border:1.5px 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soon(){if(!queued){queued=true;raf(paint);}}\nvar ev=[\"input\",\"change\",\"click\",\"keyup\"],k;\nfor(k=0;k< ev.length;k+=1){document.addEventListener(ev[k],soon,true);}\nwindow.addEventListener(\"load\",soon);\npaint();\n})();<\/script>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div class=\"eq-rev\" style=\"margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:44px\"><a class=\"att att-next\" href=\"\/how-to-apologize\/\"><span class=\"eyb\">Read next<\/span><span class=\"ti\">How to Apologize<\/span><span class=\"wy\">What repair actually looks like when things have gone wrong between you.<\/span><\/a><\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-d2a766d4 wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\">\n\n\n<div class=\"eq-rev\" style=\"margin-top:0px;margin-bottom:0px\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"2560\" height=\"1708\" src=\"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/mid-shot-woman-therapist-taking-notes-clipboard-scaled.jpg\" alt=\"A therapist taking notes on a clipboard during a session, with the other person&#39;s hands clasped in front of them\" class=\"wp-image-230\" style=\"width:100%;height:340px;object-fit:cover;object-position:center 40%;border-radius:22px 22px 0 0;display:block\" srcset=\"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/mid-shot-woman-therapist-taking-notes-clipboard-scaled.jpg 2560w, https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/mid-shot-woman-therapist-taking-notes-clipboard-300x200.jpg 300w, https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/mid-shot-woman-therapist-taking-notes-clipboard-1024x683.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/mid-shot-woman-therapist-taking-notes-clipboard-768x512.jpg 768w, https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/mid-shot-woman-therapist-taking-notes-clipboard-1536x1025.jpg 1536w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 2560px) 100vw, 2560px\" \/><\/div>\n<div hidden data-eq-related=\"2424,2907,2395\"><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-group has-background eq-ondark has-global-padding is-layout-constrained wp-container-core-group-is-layout-f761ea3b wp-block-group-is-layout-constrained\" style=\"background-color:#4c3d6b;border-radius:0px 0px 22px 22px;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:80px;padding:52px\">\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#cfc6e0;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:14px;font-size:12px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:0.16em;line-height:1.4\">WORKING WITH THIS<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h3 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family\" id=\"a-pattern-you-learned-is-a-pattern-you-can-work-on\" style=\"color:#ffffff;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:18px;font-size:clamp(18.434px, 1.152rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 1.201), 29px);font-style:normal;font-weight:700;line-height:1.28\">A pattern you learned is a pattern you can work on<\/h3>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-block-paragraph\" style=\"color:#ded8ea;margin-top:0;margin-bottom:30px;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.455), 18px);line-height:1.7\">If you recognize yourself in one of the four, or in more than one, that\u2019s a good place to start. Therapy is a place to look at where the pattern came from, where it still fits, and where it has stopped being the thing that keeps you safe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-buttons is-layout-flex wp-block-buttons-is-layout-flex\">\n<div class=\"wp-block-button\"><a class=\"wp-block-button__link has-text-color has-background has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-element-button\" href=\"\/individual-session\/\" style=\"border-radius:9px;color:#1e1a24;background-color:#f5e7cf;padding:15px 30px;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.284), 16.5px);font-weight:700\">Book a session<\/a><\/div>\n\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-button footer_b\"><a class=\"wp-block-button__link has-text-color has-work-sans-regular-font-family wp-element-button\" href=\"\/contact\/\" style=\"border-color:#9d92b8;border-width:1.5px;border-style:solid;border-radius:9px;color:#ffffff;padding:15px 30px;font-size:clamp(14px, 0.875rem + ((1vw - 3.2px) * 0.284), 16.5px);font-weight:600\">Get in touch<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n\n\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Where attachment theory comes from, what the four adult styles feel like from the inside, how they show up with partners, friends and at work, and why none of them is fixed.<\/p>","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":2296,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"iawp_total_views":424,"footnotes":""},"categories":[10],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2380","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-relationship"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2380","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2380"}],"version-history":[{"count":20,"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2380\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4813,"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2380\/revisions\/4813"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2296"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2380"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2380"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/equilibriumpsychotherapy.net\/hr\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2380"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}